http://lenall.livejournal.com/

I <3 my romashka & my bubble baths, & I'm fine.

So much shit to do tom. gotta meet up w. Asya & then shopping...

Can't wait till Fri. Imma sleep, sleep, SLEEP! Then watch KVN & sleep some more...
On Sat. I'll do my laundry & then convince my mom to buy me a new bed hehehe
On Sun. I think I'm gonna....get some more SLEEP.

This diary entry is really boring b.c. I'm sure nobody cares what ''fun'' things I'm planning to do over the weekend.

ughh I wanna feel better already! :(
I hate the cold, & I want it to be my birthday!

Guess I should go get some sleep gotta be up early tom.

About at least ten of them happened to me. With this weather you can't even go out of your fckng house. & I don't even know why my ass is still up at this late hr because I have to be up & ready to go by ten in the morning tomorrow. Not considering the time it will take to dry my hair, potomu4to sei4as ya eto ne v sostayanie delat'...

ugh I wish I would find a placebo for a broken heart. Preferably not the one I used in my past & nothing that would be considered a recipe for destroyment of self.


I'm in pain, physical pain. Emotional pain adds to it though. :]

Hopefully tomorrow ya ulomayu Igorya to go to TWO museums instead of 1, to finally finish my stupid report for A.H. What's fascinating is that I hate art, I hate history, but them combined is actually better than them separted.)))

Im sucha conniving little snake...& I'm enjoying EVERY minute of it.
so...who's next in line BITCHES? ;)

Dinner...

Oleg:vot dibil
Mama:net, Lena, eto nazivaetsa afftar vipei yadu i ubei sebya ap stenku.

!ROFL!

Oleg:ti 4to hodish na padonok.com?

*my mom & I start a discussion*

Mama:net ne hoju. prosto Lena vsyakuyu X**nyu delaet poetomu govoryu afftar vipei yadu!
Oleg:oi!Ira, tol'ko mojno ne zdes' i ne sei4as.

*every1 dies laughin*

*my mom & I leave the kitchen*
Oleg:vot tak to lu4she...

Mama:ti zneash ne ego meste ya bi davno bi pomenyala adress, telefon, mesto jitel'stvo 4tobi nikogda na svete ne nashla.
LMAO

...

Later on that same evening...

Mama:a 4to eto za den'gi na stole lejat?
Oleg:a eto Nikita otkup za Lenu prinosil...
ROFL.




Later on that night...


My mom & Oleg argue over where to hang the painting & how a toy duck ended up in our house...

Me:people why are you so weird?
Mom:s toboi sorevnuemsya =)






I get my comebacks from my mama =)

my obsessing is the hobby I need to QUIT.


all I need for in a bf is for him to be a sweet talker, a bit creative, & a pinch of romantic... & a tad of very go0d poetry. yeah, yeah I think that'll make it.



I bet if Asya was here she'd say ''bang your head against the wall.'' Which is what I'm about to do. As soon as I'm done typing this. But yeah, that blog made my CRY for a go0d 15 minutes... I've never read anything so brutally honest, down to earth, from the heart, touching, so sad but sweet GOOD.



See, this is me. I'm gullible & I love depending on what I hear. ex: if a person tells me he loves me & I might not believe him but I won't care, just for the fact that HE SAID IT. I can be with someone who does nothing for me, but, if he can TALK, I mean really creative love poetry writing songs talking I'll be with him, & I hate that about myself, words blind my sense of reality.


In conclusion,Imma wrap this up!

В колонках играет - ''Pictures of You.''- The Last Goodnight.
Настроение сейчас - fckd

I think I've found the answer to everyone's ''why does Lena date clowns?'' question...


I JUST realized that even though outgoing-''center of attention'' people may be be a bit fake, they're definitely more stable, more opinionated, yet, their ''open mindedness'' or w.e. you wish to call it makes them easy going & friendly.


Though, it may not seem this way, but I am never too quick to judge. I just really hate people that aren't able to say something face to face, yet once they go online they start acting out. I wonder if those rejects realize that by doing that, they're just making THEMSELVES look stupid & sad...

В колонках играет - ''Angeli''- CJ Omen (Rsdio Edit.).
Настроение сейчас - confused!!!

Wish everything wasn't so confusing, perhaps I am overcomplicating things. I'm not jealous of her, or anyone... I just keep thinking that if we both interest him, then what makes him be with me & not her? We both might have similar qualities that he looks for, with the only difference that I am ready to be with him & she's not. & sadly, this might be why he chose me over her, not because of anything else. I mean, I'm sure a lot more factors contribute to ''us being together'', but if that one is one of them I'm not the type to follow through with it. & I'm honestly not allright with it, because there's no difference between using a person, & being with them simply because they agree to be with you. I really don't give a fck who he speaks to, as long as I know that there's a reason why he's with me & not someone else...as long as I know I matter a little more to him than any other, you'd think I'm not asking for much, then why aren't we working out?


I guess as us being ''friends'' I don't notice it anymore. Because he doesn't really get anything from me & by that he shows me that he truly cares, & I want to go back but going back means not being afraid...anymore. & I know he won't cheat or anything like that, but having feelings for two people at a time is considered more than cheating, in my understanding...


''If I have to stop being a jealous bitch, & stop driving him crazy in order to be with him. Then that is what I'll do.''





I don't mind them talking, I mind him having feelings for her while he is with me, he can love her all he wants but then he's going to have to stay away from me. I'm not a fckng doll, so I won't even try pretending to be one.



I guess this way I just don't feel used so it's easier for me & I'm not always a nervous wreck. It's all very psychological, & just the fact that he might like her more only for the fact that she rejected him & I didn't & I guess in his eyes that makes her look more w.e., more ''hard to get'', more desirable. & the problem isn't me being heartbroken, I'm not gonna ''not survive'' w.o. him, the problem is me ''replacing someone.'' I'd rather be alone than be a fake replacement for something that could've been real. With time I just got really used to the fact that if people aren't working out together, that doesn't necessarily mean that one of them is ''bad'' or not ''good enough'' it just means that they are looking for someone different. Plenty of examples of that from my personal life, Dima who's all ''drugs, sex & rock & roll'' OBVIOUSLY wasn't for me & my Dima Bilan ringtones, so he found a girl that actually LIVES his lifestyle, she's not better than me, she's not really more attractive than me, were just different. Same here like what are you gonna do kill yourself over it? Theres 3 more million guys in this world so what are the chances of you falling in love 53 more times?


Then again all of this could just be my imagination, but facts are facts, & people always want something they can't have, & guys always respect girls who can say ''no'' to them. What are you gonna do bout that? nothin. live with it or not, my choice, what I decide...I don't know.

Wish everything wasn't so confusing, perhaps I am overcomplicating things. I'm not jealous of her, or anyone... I just keep thinking that if we both interest him, then what makes him be with me & not her? We both might have similar qualities that he looks for, with the only difference that I am ready to be with him & she's not. & sadly, this might be why he chose me over her, not because of anything else. I mean, I'm sure a lot more factors contribute to ''us being together'', but if that one is one of them I'm not the type to follow through with it. & I'm honestly not allright with it, because there's no difference between using a person, & being with them simply because they agree to be with you. I really don't give a fck who he speaks to, as long as I know that there's a reason why he's with me & not someone else...as long as I know I matter a little more to him than any other, you'd think I'm not asking for much, then why aren't we working out?

A couple of days ago, actually like Monday, I had a very...interesting encounter. For some strange reason it kinda made my day. So whatever, I wake up, as usual I know I'll be late... I get to the ts & there's this guy & he looks SO FAMILIAR- it's not even funny. Yet, at the same time he's the opposite of what I remember him to be. & then it hits me, it's one of the guys from the NY team of KVN. Point of this was, that it made me realize how different & random & unique people can be. I mean I KNEW that this guy probably has a life of his own outside of what he does but I just didn't know what it was... & it made me understand that people should be like that, they should be DIFFERENT depending on the situation, they should act, dress, behave differently. I mean, here is this ''funny'' guy ''playing'' guitar, & doing comedies on stage & the next morning he gets up puts on his black suit/black tie, takes his briefcase & he's ready to do business, how bizarre is that? (in a go0d sense) & his long hair wasn't messy as I remember it, it was gelled & put back into a ponytail. Later on I realized he's probably over 20, since his cell wallpaper was a picture of an adorable baby... But despite everything, his ''Saturday concert smile'' was gone, & his face showed a mixture of seriousness & concentration...


THURSDAY: Randomly met Irina at the ts in the morning, talked about colleges... she's in Hunter now & seems as though she doesn't regret it for now. Lunch w. Tanya was the shit, reading SEVENfckngTEEN magazine. So the question remains unanswered, why WOULD anyone do an ad for acne medication, & FOR FREE? I mean, WE don't care if you embarrass yourself, but seems like you don't either.
Damn, I'm shocked this year I actually LIKE my math class, the teacher isn't boring (which is unusual) & the work is easy, mad easy. Gov. is a nightmare, & I want to so0n wake up from it with an 85% in my hands. =) Graphics...not bad- but stressful.
P.S. Micky D's w. Kristy, Jesse, & ppl after school, was a bad choice. Then pizza with mom, an even worse choice. junkfo0d combined w. junkfo0d= A HORRIBLE CHOICE.

Настроение сейчас - anger, surprisingly...

She feels what I feel, or I feel what she feels, whats the difference? Why does this always happen? I mean, it's really easy for me to tell, since I know how I felt when I wrote something, & I'm not so bad in analyzing someone else's words, either. We weren't ''unhappy'' we were just in need of a dramatic change, just not sure what we wanted that change to be. ''we''...hmm...wow. & we don't miss them, we missed the little nuisances, the little things to be done for us, the ''idea'' of a person, & of course the memories. Of course, I'm sure there's more than two girls in this world that feel like this, but this is just weird. Got me really pissed for some reason, too. lol.

В колонках играет - ''I Don't Give A Damn.''- Avril Lavigne.
Настроение сейчас - careless . . .

will I stop listening to Avril Lavigne & dancing & singing that their walls are shaking? no. =)

but despite that, thank God.


I guess she was right, we needed time to understand each other & what we wanted. What makes it so much easier is that by now we're so used to each other's good & especially bad sides. & unfortunately you can only know it's love after you've compared & contrasted, that's the way life works. She told me if it's yours it'll come to you, if not then it's not. & no matter how much patience it took, & under what circumstances good or bad, it still came to me. Sometimes you need for something bad to happen in order for something good to occur as a result, God works in mysterious ways.

ahhh tom. I'm getting it w. Misha & Edik. wow, okay I respect ppl like that. Technically Edik didn't have to go through all of SI to help me do this, & actually rem. & commit to it, considering we chilled like once.
props<3
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=126121430
btw this isn't bad, not my style but I approve. =]


*now I can actually put my lyrics into songs, & I mean some of my poems are bangin'

Albisha had the best idea...we decided to have a girls night in lol. Me, Albina, Asya, Nastya, Yana, Jenya, & Kitty & Alla who were missing, bet you Kitty probably got lost again, but no this time it was better, she just disappeared. Of course as always me & Yana made some other plans for the ''after-party'' so me, her, her bf Nikita/Vanya lol & Roman went for a ride. Of course as always there's the hour that we take to decide where to go so this time I'm like I don't care were going to SG's, two days in a row btw lol. So I guess the hookah really got to me this time, that we were walking back talking about birthday's for some reason. I brought up Lenny's & Yana's like ''do you think he'll invite you?'' okay now, it was like fucking 0 degrees lol, I was wearing flip-flops & a tank top while those 3 smart asses were wearing winter jackets, so yeah plus the hookah really must've damaged my brain: ''you think he'll invite me after I fucked...& I stop I'm like wait what's that word after fucked...fucked'' They're like okay you said fckd three times we get it now LMAO, 5 minutes pass I'm like Ooh! OVER, that's it. They were making fun of me for the rest of the way we had to walk to get to Roman's car which was like 50 blocks away, thanks to lack of parking spots. LMAO not to mention that was just hookah not weed, lol.

Then I ended up sleeping over @ Roman's place w. Nikita, if Yana finds out I gave Nikita a massage she'll flip lol. Then I gave Roman one in return that he'll give me one also. He's MAD good, I mean seriously masseuse status. lol I've never slept this peacefully, like how we fell asleep the same way we woke up. amazing. & this idiot wakes me up in the middle of the night...morning...whatever asking if he can bite me I'm like yo dude do you sleep? fckng 5 am lol. So then it gets freakin freezing & this one's like what are you talking about I'm boiling, I'm like boiling, beautiful I'm taking your blanket if you're boiling. lmao 8 am I hear ''sos'' Rihanna under my pillow it took me like 7 min.s to get ready & dressed & everything, out of fear of mom, lol. Then we went to Mirage, lucky guys, they're morning people lol, so we're sitting there & he's telling Nikita about bottle opener, he's like ''takoi prikol'ni pacan'', I'm like yeah whatever I agree with you. I'm like ''da, Nikita jalko ti ego ne zastal, you would've liked him too.'' No it's just ironic that Roman is saying that, but it's cool I kinda like that when people aren't like negative...
P.S. Roman is lucky I ain't picky like Yana with the color of the boxers lmao, I matched though, if I match I sleep peacefully)))
& I was home by like 9:30. mom's not mad anymore lol. but all this is on the dl lol, on the internet, but still dl.

В колонках играет - ''Vavilon.''-Kipelov.
Настроение сейчас - weak

That's it, from now on I'm gonna listen when my family tells me something. I feel like an idiot right now, cuz I can't even come up to anyone & admit that they were right & I should have listened...I just don't want to hear ''I told you so.'' & I don't want them to think I'm not smart enough to be able to make independent decisions, smart decisions...ponyatnoe delo 4to na oshibkah u4utsa, but still. I know that it's better to come crying to ppl who love you than ostaca v durakah, all by yourself. a kstati, I wouldn't be in this position if I didn't act like a ''know-it-all''& didn't take their advice so offensively. That's the part of my personality that self-destructs me so many times... I can't look at a situation from a different angle, I either see the good, or the bad, & apparently I couldn't see that they wanted what's best for me.

V just called invited me to a party. I'm like I can't go, he's like okay are you sick? I'm like no, he's like are you crying? & I realized that ''something got in my eye'' won't work this time...

Настроение сейчас - pretty satisfied.

Just came home from a pretty fun night. Me, Yana, Yana, Roman, Karina, Karina, Vlad, Asya, Kitty, Murat, Alla, Zhenya, Yana, Garry, Valera, Dima, & many more to name went to PI2, I didn't really like it, maybe cuz the DJ sucked. The music sucked, & the way he mixed it sucked even more, lol. But me, Yana, her bf Nikita, & Roman left right @ the right moment, when the cops came. That's another reason why I don't like PI, Coney Island...you got the point. I mean 4to oni tuda hodyat pod 4ernogo bumera tancevat'? Seriously...so we left to San Giovanni's, EVERYBODY'S favorite place. Then all 4 of us kinda fell asleep after the hookah lol. Yana's bf Nik's like pointing @ sleeping Roman like you single? I'm like yeah, but no. lol He's like got it, too crazy? I'm like no a part of me is still broken so I wouldn't even try anything now. He's like gottcha. I'm like besides, Kitty... he's like he's so over that. But then Roman dropped Yana off, & then dropped me off, he's actually really nice despite what people say. I remember he even gave me some advice on bottle opener ;) lol I <3 guys...as friends. from now on, & for now that's where I stand.

fucking weather, ya v4era Vladu skazala it would rain cuz my knee hurt, in return he called me a babushka wtf lol.

Me & Zhenya has a pretty good talk before we got to PI. Only me & him have id to get beer, we decided to use mine but I'm like I'm not going alone so he went with me & I used that time to my benefit.

& what Yana's retarded ex is doing is fucked up, ya ego poslala. cuz you know on kak Fima, ot menya 4ego-to jdet pri4em pri etom mne vret i daje ne skrivaet. wtf you know, mne s nim net nadobnosti obsh'atsa, vot pust' teper' i dumaet. dibil. But I appreciate the fact that he apologized for almost getting me & Yana into a fight, & breaking up me & Nik. He's like sama vinovata to 4to vse Yane rasskazala, ya ei i ne dumal ni4ego govorit' I was gonna break up with her if you said yes to me, prishles' tebya podstavit'. I'm like iight w.e. it's cool. Kinda like what Tolik did to cover his ass, but we're okay too. Voobshem te kto hotyat peredomnoi izvenitsa...vsegda pojalusta, net, pust' eto budet na vashei sovesti.

pretty satisfied with today/tonight.

В колонках играет - ''Superman.''- Del'ta.
Настроение сейчас - still excited lol.



nikogda ne verila v ego ''lyubov'', i teper' vse moi somnenie sami podtverdilis'. ya sama sebe vrala i sama za eto teper' raspla4ivayus'. ya rada 4to takoi 4elovek kak on nikogda ne znal menya, po nastoyash'emu, takaya kakaya ya est' on menya nikogda ne uznaet. i s4ital on menya krasivoi tol'ko po principu ''beauty is only skin deep.'' ya nikoga ne byla s nim otkravenna, ni v 4em, potomu4to on v svoe vremya ne dal mne po4uvstvovat' 4to emu mojno doveryat, i kak vsegda moya intuicia menya ne podvela. ya ne otrecayu 4to on mojet byt' ne plohoi 4elovek, no daje s takimi vspil4ivimi lyudmi nujno byt' po okuratnei, potomu4to esli popastca im pod gorya4iyu ruku all hell will break loose on you. vprincipi 4to on i sdelal. polu4aetsa zamknutiy krug ya emu ne doveryala potomu4to ojidala vsego etogo, no neznayu 4to bylo bi esli bi ya vela sebya podrugomu, neudivitel'no esli bylo bi toje samoe. mojet prosto ya v nem probujdayu samie ego hudshie ka4estva. perhaps. ya prosto ponimayu 4to ya to4no takaya j kak i on, sei4as v porive gneva mogla bi sdelat' takoe o 4em bi potom o4en' sil'o pojelala. bili predlojeniya no vsyo produmav ya ot nih otkazalas...nu i 4to iz etogo horoshego budet...on prav potom sama plakat' budu...hotya eto bi pomoglo, potomu4to ya viju po horoshemu on ne ponimayet, ili u nego uje netu sil ponyat' 4to libo. pust' on poka vo vseh vidit vragov, vo mne v pervuyu o4ered' no mojet proidet vremya, ili poyavica um, 4to menee veroyatno, i on poimet 4to tol'ko potomu4to ya ni4ego ne predprinila v svyazi s ego umeneem pro menya vsem interesnie istorrii rasskazivat' ne zna4it 4to ya ob etom neznayu, i sovsem ne zna4it to 4to menya eto ne zadivaet, prosto zna4it to 4to v otli4ii ot nego ya imeyu kakoe to uvajenie k 4eloveku na kotorogo ya potratila 10 mesyacev moei jizni. vot i vse.


''ostin', podumay, posmotri na vse ina4e, i uvid' 4to TY sdelal ne pravilno.''- Molodie i Zlye.

В колонках играет - ''Protest.''- NAIV.
Настроение сейчас - excited.


yeah sometimes it just gets to me...I don't wanna deny the fact that I'm human, & I have feelings just like everyone else. I hate when ppl put their guard up & na4inayut pered vsemi opravdavatsa like their in court I swear. ve4no ne uverenie v sebe postoyano vidyut nadobnost' vsem i vse dakazat'. eto is serii ''NU VOT MNE NAPRIMER VSE RAVNO 4TO PRO MENYA LYUDI DUMAYUT'' da, tak vse ravno 4to ti vidish nadobnost' dokazat' svoyu ''pravatu'' vsemu facebooku. kak v detskom sadike ''eto ona pervaya na4ila''...a ti sebya sprashival komu eto interesno? toje samoe esli ya sei4as pozvonyu Sashe i na4nu ego pereubejdat' 4to eto okazivaetsa ne ya vinovata A ON. interesno 4to bi Sasha ob etom podumal. A Ane, TO4NO TAKJE vse ravno kak i Sashe. Prosto DAJE Ane stala smeshno to 4to on moim sledam hodit. where I comment, he comments. where I write a note, he writes a note. uspakoisya uje prava nikto tebya ne trogaet uje kak 2 nedeli.
vot ona prishla vesna, kak PARANOIA...

Neznayu gde na4at', ya derju sebya v rukah, ne budu j ya vikidovat' concert na ves' Brighton. Hotya kozalos' bi nado...
Prosto esli esh'e raz uslishu kakie-to plohie sluhi v moi adress komu-to o4en' sil'no ne pozdarovitsa. Ya za napisonoe mnoi otve4ayu.
S drugoi storoni ya sama uje doljna ponimat' komu verit' i komu net, neznayu 3 protiv 1. Ya 4elovek naivniy (vse znayut) i inogda pravda veryu v to 4to vsyo eto glupie spletni, a poroi dumayu 4to voobshe dura 4to mogu hot' na sekundu poverit' v to 4to vse takie horoshie i dobrie, a za spinoi takoe tvoryat...

1.)Never, ever put anyone in a position where you know they can't say ''no'' to you, even though they might want to. Don't lie to yourself, or you're gonna fck yourself over, literally.

2.)Never call your babushka in Kazakhstan to advise you on your relationship in NEW YORK. I mean she might be magical & all that, but you know if you're stupid she ain't gonna help you.

3.)If one of your friends tells you that your bf is probably with his ex right now, chances are, they had a boring day & they wanna see your reaction & have a good laugh. very evil laugh, not out loud of course...but they'll laugh, trust me.

4.)Don't protect your friend from your girlfriend, especially if her comebacks are like a muha compared to a slon, besides you KNOW your friend can out-talk both of you, & by far. =]

5.)When passing in the neighborhood of your ex bfs house, DON'T spontaneously decide that you NEED to buy a hamster because you're feeling lonely...cuz I mean a hamster is worse than a boyfriend, you're gonna have to feed him, clean after him, & he's not gonna do shit except exercise in that lil round thing some people call a wheel. Then again, at least he exercises.)

6.)Don't be exited about passing night school, when you know you could have just done good in day school. But you know I guess those are the people who love school so much that they wanna stay three extra hours after school is out for normal people.

7.)Don't trip & fall at your own prom, expecially if you're nmot wearing heels...this might cause people to think that they've drank too much, when in reality it's most likely that you drank too much.

8.)Don't get a bf w.o. a job. (self explanatory)

9.)Don't act like a nympho & then pretend to be surprised that your bf is neglecting you. I mean damn, too much is just too much

10.)Don't do rock concerts if you can't do rock concerts.

11.)Don't come on an audition for Fabrika & tell the judges ''oh, I didn't come here for Farbika, I was just passing by, you know went out to the deli to get some milk, decided to stop by, see what's up.'' Cuz chances are, they ain't taking you.

12.)Don't accept an offer all the way in Tver' to play guitar after you just got your nails done, not smart, don't be blonde, like me.

13.)Don't abuse your bf/destroy his house, I think your mom has more interesting stuff to do than to get angry phone calls from his mom & then pay for medical bills & shit.

14.)Don't play ''sand in a sock'' on a Sat. night on Brighton Beach when all the babushka's are walking their dogs.

15.)Don't be an isterik/isterichka.

16.)Don't talk shit about ppl in BK thinking it won't get to them, because it will & they probably ain't gonna appreciate it. Unless they love attention, to vi im delaete horoshiy piar, pri4em for free.]

17.)This is for all you SP fans: You & your friend go to the beach to tan, she asks you if she's tanning the right way. Don't answer ''TiMMy!'' (One, that leaves her clueless, two, that makes you look stupid.)

18.)Don't get drunk if you have a photoshoot the next morning. A photoshoot consisting of headshoots...ahem.

19.)Don't untie by bathing suit, refuse to tie it, & then try to teach me to play ''Bespe4niy Angel'' on the beach...in the pouring rain, kak vi sebe eto predstavlayete?

20.)Don't stay up until 5 am w. your step sis. discussing bubbling experiences, then get up in the morning & read articles in cosmo about it. That's basically why people wonder ''why the day is so short?'' Try getting outta bed sometimes.

21.)Don't play ''ya nikoga net'' after a few Martinis. (even though I rock at that game ;)

22.)Don't procrastinate, you'll regret it.

23.)Don't regret.

24.)When you call your ex, try to ask how they're doing, not WHO they were dong last night. Even though we all know you want to.

25.)Don't think too much, but think enough to be two steps ahead.

26.)Don't od on valeryanka.

27.)DON'T stalk your ex under his building and call him from a pay phone saying you don't got your damn metrocard. Either he won't give a fck, & you're gonna have to stand there the whole night or admit that you lied. Your choice. My advice? Both ways you're kinda fckd.

28.)Don't lie if you know you have the memory of a babushka.

29.)Don't go throwing bottles & burning paper on Brighton Beach...I hope YOU're not the reason the ''Tatyana'' burned down...tsk tsk.

30.)If you see a big pink box that says ''Clothing & Shoe Drop'' Don't take a picture with it & then post it everywhere on the internet, because if you didn't know...it's a garbage can, except for clothes & it's pink but that won't make people think you're anymore sane than if you took one near a recycling bin.

© -L.L. 9.12.07.

I feel like I'm going back to the place I don't want to return to. I realized the more you dream, the harder you fall. & now I'll be honest, I find myself at a place where I don't see myself being stable, nor secure, or confident. Even though I had the support of people close to me, had plans, & now I'm not even sure if they will be turned into reality not just a stupid thing I thought of, but failed to accomplish. I'm tired of that happening, I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want at least one thing in my life to take place, I want Baruch, & I will get it. I'm not a stupid girl, I know I can do this if I just try harder. I just feel like I let everyone down...this lady who's like a family friend first time she saw me she went straight to her friend who's a well known guitar teacher from Tver'. She's like you gotta see this girl, long hair, long fingers she's made for it, she fits perfectly. He agreed said it'll take two months. Then me & her thought about it & decided that would be a good & original idea for Fabrika. Besides, not forgetting the fact that I could've asked him to write the music for my lyrics, & recorded it in Tver' which is MUCH cheaper than doing the same thing in Moscow. That was basically done. It was planned for this summer but didn't work out, so we moved it a little farther away. Then as I was setting my goals for MGU, she told me she had an acquaintance there that could help me with half of the stuff I need help on...& you know all of that I just fckd it up for myself. Everything I ever truly wanted. & @ this point I honestly feel like giving up, but then I realize I can't let myself further self-destruct.
The only people who know about my ''new found problem'' are Asya & Igor, because I know with them it won't get around all of Brooklyn.
(P.S. If I'm wrong, I won't deny it.)
I just realized that the reason why nothing is happening for me is not because ''I'm not skinny enough'', not because of ''karma''. But just the simple fact that I don't try hard enough. My parents aren't rich, poetomu ojidat' 4to na menya 4to-to s nebo svalitsa vsyu jizn' nel'zya. I don't recognize myself sometimes, when I got drunk the night before the photoshoot this summer, voobshe kak ya mogla eto sdelat'? Plus I let down EVERYONE cuz it was an ACTUAL photoshoot. Then, guitar, okay she told me about the nails fine, they were gone like the next day. She's like don't expect it to be easy though, she was like I remember it hurt like a bitch I still practiced. (Well okay that I can give myself credit for cuz I still decided to go through w. it.) But in general I understand that I need to put my motivation & ambition towards ACTUALLY doing something, & starting SOMEWHERE.
My family, I don't even want to go there. it's hard to talk about no ya sama eto perejivu, I don't want nor need random people from the internet reading it.
my health is a whole different story, I've talked to my grandmother about it this summer. & I know she's right I need to go get my heart check out, & the thing with constant headaches...I'm just honestly afraid, cuz I remember I had mad problems with it in the past, that just drove me to tears, it just scares me that I don't know what's wrong w. me. i kak ne zlo that day everyone, one by one decides to come over to ask me to go chill. I'm like tell them I'm not here because I am not one of those people who enjoys people feeling bad for her. I didn't want anyone to know about this, it took me an hr to get myself together, put a smile on my face & walk out. Of course before hand I took like an hr long walk by myself, I felt it was necessary.
Right now I feel stress, & nothing but. & even though I know everything will pass, & I'll look back & smile, right now it's just hard. I came home & Igor calls me, then Vanya calls me, I just turned off my phone crawled into bed with my bear & fell asleep @ least for half an hr to get away from my (unfortunately) reality.

I know I might be fckd up in the head, with a fckd up life but I know one thing. I'm real, more real than ANY OF YOU. Nobody can tell me otherwise because no matter what music I listen to, or what color my hair is, or even what clothes I choose to wear...ya ne vistavlayu ni4ego na pokaz, kak mnogie iz vas uspeshno delaut.

Okay, so I wrote this poem towards the end of the summer (I don't really rem. the date so I just randomly put the 25th), I swear I wasn't on crack or anything when I wrote it lol, even though it seems like it. & I realize it doesn't rhyme but I was feeling mad emotional at the time so perhaps that is why.
It was one of the days when ''ya ushla v sebya'' on the day after the night when me & petuh got drunk. (self explanatory)

''But I keep on walking
& the melancholic voices in my head, they keep on talking
& the red Jags keep stopping
I'm so sick of sitting on this black polished table, drinking my life away w.o. being able to tell anyone,
Just smoking my pain away.
I'm so sick of the lies, & the tries, being used...
It's far more than abuse.
I'll just walk away,
You don't care?
I don't care, who was there, & who saw, & who joked, & who talked
The sun will dry my tears,
One step forward & two steps back running away from my tears painted black.
Our words overlapped, without understanding the meaning they lacked.
As on broken glass we dance, falling into a trance of hate & pain as I take a stance.''

В колонках играет - PLEASE no more music head hurts, otherwise I'd listen to ''Se La Vi.''- NAIV.
Настроение сейчас - sleepy.

Just came back from work. I'm so tipsy (from four fckng shots like what the hell), & sleepy, & everything else. So apparently I'm not working tomorrow, but they're gonna let me know on Mon. when my next shift is. So whatever, guess tom. I can chill, or go to Danny's party, we'll see.
Blin bout the whole thing, I already forgot about it, prosto nepriyatno like that same day, by accident I find that stupid ''certificate of death''...& yeah I take it personally, I take if offensively. I'm like dude, okay how do you want me to react to that? How do you expect me to react?? I let it go & didn't let it get to me.
Other than that I'm pretty much getting used to the job, used to the people that come there, & I can say that I enjoy it more than JCH, or my medical office job...
I already put an eye on two drills, won't mention their names for obvious reasons...but it's hilarious when the question gets to my age they're like ready to faint. One of them I think just broke up w. his gf in front of my own eyes, I'm like wow I feel so ugh, like if my ex broke up w. me & then went flirting w. another girl like mne bylo bi O4EN' bol'no, but w.e. it's not like I'm doing anything, ya ne na 4to ne pretenduyu. I told him what days I'm working, not that it matter cuz he chills there everyday, & he's like if you'll be working here a lot of guys are gonna hit on you...I'm like oh really, I mean he would know...lol. j.k.
Me & Igor on our catering jobs I swear, texting eachother back & forth, I got home before him I'm like ha! I beat you to it, teper' the drunkie is going to sleep, he's like nu ti molodec. lol
Whatever the job brings up my mood, vse ohueno. ya poshla spat. mwa kids<3

First off...I think everyone will agree that ''planetaleto'' SUCKED not only w. the tittle but also w. their singing, kinda of like the 3 chicks who sung like they got ready in a week. lol The best was Tanya B.- ''K Tebe'' it actually looks like she put 100% into it, The chick who did the whole Latin dance, those were some nice bg dancers but her singing was ugh. Evgenia Vlasova was okay. But if I had to pick, I'd pick Tanya right away. ha watch Aksuta pick someone who's gonna suck, just cuz he can't judge for shit. (Personal experience)Thank God Drobish is there, ugh just why couldn't he be there when I auditioned for Fabrika? Why the hell did Drobish leave the project AT ALL? I love him, & he writes some go0d songs, Meladze too. Dolina, nah there are some go0d ones, who can actually judge based on singing, not on w.e. Aksuta & all those idiots like Kirkorov judge on. Anyway, I have a feeling everything after Tanya B's ''K Tebe'' will seem boring so I'm off to sleep.
P.S. Good luck to all those who didn't go yet.

В колонках играет - ''Fake.''- Sergei Lazarev.
Настроение сейчас - danceable

I'm happy, but I'm tired. Even since I got back I've been either chilling, or busy getting ready for school, or in the never ending search for a job. Now that I am settled w. everything I can relax a lil. But then I realize I'm gonna need to face SATs & college app.s if not for Asya & my mom who remind me of things like this I'd be fucked.lol. I have a feeling this year will be very very good for me.
haha I only now realize what the guys told me about catering was true. It's not really that funny anymore, but so far I manage, it's pretty go0d money, & we got go0d music in Miami, tak 4to- survivable. My 1st day I came early, spoke to Eugene (the manager) who turned up to be pretty chill except he hates lateness, but I doubt that'll be a problem for me. I live like 15 minutes away. After he's like finally somebody who can speak English, I'm taking you lol, then after like an hr or so he offered me a job @ the bar I got mad exited, I'm like a mojno? He's like the question is do you want to? So when the owner comes back she's supposed to teach me some bar tending skills.)))
What I ALSO realized is that I have no more time for shit I used to do, like drama & ''chilling'', & all that. Ahhh I swear, this one goes out to Asya & everyone else: YOU PPL BETTER COME VISIT...& LEAVE BIG TIPS...BIG, BIG TIPS. lol The only thing I don't like is that Miami doesn't have a dancefloor, if it did that would be PERFECT. Not that I have time for that anyway, but still it's boring w.o. it.
I'll never forget the Sun. when we all went to Adams: Asya, Alla, Zhenya, Yana, Dima, Me, & Alex who left right away. Oni vse seli, JLo ''From The Block'' came on, & Asya's like I like that song, I'm like great I grab her & DRAG her to the dance floor. That's empty. lol We honestly didn't give a fuck kto na nas smotrit, some drills out the window, we gave em a free show ;) & Alla & Yana & Zhenya & Dimitri are just sitting there like WOW. I'm like I wanna dance, I'm gonna dance, Asya bi ne poshla, ya bi 1 poshla. Then something unbelievable, Dima joins us, & I should mention he DIDN'T drink anything that night. Esli bi ne ya vse bi tak i sideli. So I'm like w.e.

Tol'ko 4to prishla s raboti. blyat' u menya prosto net slov on how some people act. I just realized one simple thing, to get over someone completely all that is needed is for them to do something that would piss you off. I think that has finally been done. Even though I had a good laugh, people close to me, people who actually know me, know, ya skoree ubyu kogo nibudt' 4em sebya. That I'm a good actress, we all know that, that I do crazy shit to get what I want, we all know that too. But going throughout BK telling people my ex girlfriend is suicidal because I'm over her is 1st of all a lie, 2nd of all pretty fucking low. nu da ladno k nemu eto esh'e vernetsa, I never did that to him though, I always stood up for him hotya emu na eto naplevat'. Even if he said that to one of his friends I'd ignore it, but to say it to someone NEITHER of us are friends with is just DOWNRIGHT STUPID. on dumaet ya hot' na sekundu poverila 4to on takoi angel, please, ya s samogo na4ala znala 4to on hitriy i u nego vse pradumano na 2 shaga vpered. komu eto nado? kakaya lyubov'? I'm not naive, not THAT naive. He's one of those people who think they're in love the next minute they're like ''oh, what was her name again?'' blyat on prosto malo togo 4to kozel tak on esh'e i idiot. slov...NET. chtob on sdoh I swear to God. vse I'm done. I already told Asya the whole story she was surprised, I wasn't. She's like it's your 1st day @ work DON'T CRY on your 1st day @ work. I'm like you crazy? Ya ne obijena prosto neponimayu o 4em ya dumala koga s nim ''vstre4alas'''? I actually smoked @ work today wow I thought I quit, it's okay I'll just keep lying to myself. lol Ahh... & no more chilling on weekends.(((
Goals for this year:
Manage w. work & school.
Baruch/MGU
SATs

I had patience, & understanding. But I don't like when people cross the line...how is he going to tell my best friend how I'm stupid & immature? I'm not angry, or ''evil'', I'm not mad either. I just think that you shouldn't judge unless you're perfect yourself. Which he, I think people can agree with me here, isn't. Besides, I changed for myself, not for him. & I'm happy with the way I am now. Sam zagonayet sebya v ugol, i ya esh'e i v etom vinovata. No. Yes, I care about him, a lot, but I'm not gonna let anyone walk all over me.

''Fire Of Eternity (3:04:34 PM): just wanted to tell you that if you think I blame myself for everything that happened, I dont Im not stupid not to realize that if you ever loved me it wouldnt happen
Fire Of Eternity (3:06:11 PM): & Im not making you feel bad, or blaming you, Im just letting you know that by putting yourself in a position as if youre the victim youre not gaining anything.
Fire Of Eternity (3:09:55 PM): yet you say Im stupid, but do you know if i was stupid I wouldnt even bother, & I would right away blame you for everything & take all of the responsibility off of myself, but yet somehow I never did that. I can admit to my mistakes, & yes that makes me feel better, I guess you dont see your fault in anything.
Fire Of Eternity (3:18:40 PM): if I was what you think I am I would be sitting being angry at the whole world drinking my life away, yet Im not mad at anyone, I just dont feel anything except that I feel bad for you, that youre not able to make the right decisions, & no I don't mean getting back with me, I mean connecting with people that once meant something in your life...or didnt mean shit.
Fire Of Eternity (3:29:22 PM): I honestly think youre the one acting stupid & immature but w.e. despite that I care about you just bc you are you. eto ne obsuzhdaetsa. thats why I ignored the things you said similar to ''im doing you a favor by talking to you'', if i said that to you you would make a scene? sporim? thats where were different.
Fire Of Eternity (3:32:01 PM): if I had ''no feelings'' I would never admit to what Ive written above. yet, you cant admit 2 how you feel. then again ya ne znayu, maybe you really dont feel anything. even if its like that, it doesnt change a thing, & it didnt change my mind, meaning, if you ever need anything Im always here for you/
Bratok 2003 went idle at 3:32:56 PM.
Bratok 2003 returned at 3:41:17 PM.
Bratok 2003 signed off at 3:42:04 PM.''

XXLuLuXX1029: wow
Fire Of Eternity (7:17:58 PM): wow bad or wow good?lol
XXLuLuXX1029: wow I dont noe
Fire Of Eternity (7:19:16 PM): cuz i ddnt wanna be 2 mean & ddnt wanna be 2 nice
Fire Of Eternity (7:19:27 PM): so i let him knw hes wrong 2 but im not mad at him
XXLuLuXX1029: he is wrong though
Fire Of Eternity (7:22:20 PM): wow...why do YOU think hes wrong?
XXLuLuXX1029: i think ur both wrong lol
Fire Of Eternity (7:24:55 PM): well yeah
Fire Of Eternity (7:25:02 PM): thts wht i told him both not one of us

INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(19:56): you knw wht I realized 4 myslf, tht I really do sincerely care about him, & if hes asking 4 this space thn Ill give it 2 him somehow I have a feeling hell need me & Ill be there 4 him whn he needs it, you knw nasilno mil ne budesh.
AsyachkaPotOFGold<3 ‎(19:57): yea exactly
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(19:57): yep
AsyachkaPotOFGold<3 ‎(19:57): u have my mentality now
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(19:57): amazin LOL
AsyachkaPotOFGold<3 ‎(19:57): yea...well thats wut im thinkin i cnt force alik u noe to do somethin but obviously he has something left for me or like some desire to talk to me if he came to see me
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(19:58):
yeah i mean okay you & I are both gonna be busy w. school & jobs, & dancing w. your other single best frnd on a fri nite isnt THAT BAD...so i think well manage ;)
AsyachkaPotOFGold<3 ‎(19:59): lol
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:00): like wht made me write tht whole thing 2 him is tht he said kak i ozhidalos ona ne povvzraslela i ne poumnela im like im tired of taking shit from him every time i try 2 be nice so i let it out
AsyachkaPotOFGold<3 ‎(20:04): thats smart
AsyachkaPotOFGold<3 ‎(20:05): yea not me, brb

INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:00): my love is here lol
V ‎(20:01): Asya?
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:01): Lenka =[ vse ya na tebya obidelas'
V ‎(20:01): privet
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:01): uhuh
V ‎(20:01): s kakih por ya tvoi love? chto takoe?
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:02): dd you miss me?)lol
V ‎(20:02): isn't Nikita ur love?
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:03): ya ho4u emu dat' vremya, ya ego pravda o4en' lyublyu, no nasil'no mil ne budesh...
V ‎(20:03): uuu kakie slova!
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:03): I mean them
V ‎(20:04): noh
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:04): ?
V ‎(20:04): ya imeyu v vidu krasivie slova, ne to chto u don't mean them
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:04): oh..prosto ya uje previkla 4to mne nikto ne verit u menya srazu idet zashitnaya reakciya
V ‎(20:05): ???
V(20:06): a...
INSURED by Mafia :-) ‎(20:07):
on govorit ''kak i ojidalos' ona ne poumnela i ne povzraslela'' ..I thought bout it & wrote him a long ass letter tht he read but ddnt reply 2 i uspakoilas'
V (20:08): UUU

Later on after I read my horoscope...& I was surprised. I actually did what it said, w.o. reading it beforehand. (Notice how it says intellect-97%) Guess I didn't pick such a bad day to do this, in any case it had to be done :-) The fact that I'm a Leo explains why I act in such ways ;)

Leo,
It's up to you to decide; if you let circumstances decide for you, you lose control. Reach out and express yourself in a manner that will clearly convey your wants and needs. Avoid worrying about why things around you are happening. Focus instead on what is within your control.


Leo Horoscope for September 3 2007

Leo, It seems that whatever you try to do goes nowhere, or gets lost in a haze of misunderstanding. This is not a good time to try to toot your own horn or attempt to get personal recognition for your efforts. Taking time off, working quietly, or doing something primarily for the benefit of others without concern for personal gain, is favored at this time.

Wellness:

39%
Intellect:

97%
Love:

48%
Emotions:

54%
Intuition:

4%
Creativity:

40%
Work:

85%
Money:

40%

Power Numbers: 8, 5, 44, 31, 38, 4

В колонках играет - ''Moi Brat.''- Dominiq Joker & Timati.
Настроение сейчас - ambitious

continued...

''To you I'm like a cat that has nine lives,
Killing each one of them after she dies
She's always looking after you, through heartbreak & pain
Walking alone at night, in the streets of pouring rain
She's trying so hard to be his best friend
While he spends time hoping her nine lives would soon end.
She'd give away her every life, for him to be happy without her green eyes
There's nothing special about him, but every one of her tries
Shows how selfish he can be in her own eyes
She asks for nothing in return, as he rejects her once again & hopes her love for him would burn
Why does she want to give him so much, without getting nothing in return?
Maybe it's because she loves him in such a way, to you not known.''

& everytime we say ''it hurts like never before'',
It's cuz we forget the past, what it was like when we closed all doors.

We always say how we ''loved this one truly''
Until the next one comes along & all the love is gone.

It's not like we're able to love, we're just jealous.

We say we need someone by our side when life gives us shit, but in a dark room we see only our reflection, when all the lights are lit.

We say we love forever, because forever is a pretty word,
But you can't love one forever, with so many others in this world.

We regret, recalling that it was exactly what we wanted.

We compare people, without really knowing,
After breaking hearts, we start looking for motives.

We find ourselves lost & feeling weak
Coming back from where we started after every cheap trick.

After we're left we think we can't live
Then we look in the mirror knowing that if we're strong, we'll forgive.

We want others to be happy, but not at our expense
If somebody crosses our path we pay back with revenge.

We say we wish they'd find true love,
But when they do, we close the door, saying ''that's enough.''
A few good friends, they weren't us.

A few ''good'' lies, just caused distrust
Sometimes I wish we wouldn't consider friendship- a must.

''In my sleep I heard the raindrops fall upon my rooftop
Thinking of you & her, those images in my head they won't stop
I'm sure the ''love'' you gave to her will loose its charm
But why did you choose this way to cause me so much harm?
For me you are now dead,
Whatever fate has written for me, to this it always lead.
I won't pick up, if you ever call
The only enemy is shadows of you & her, & the mirror on my wall
I wish I could block out the sunshine, that's been in my window all day,
To fall asleep forever, knowing you won't stand in my way
Even if you wanted to, what would you possibly say?
That you have no more feelings for me,
While silently in bed I lay...''

''But don't you worry, don't you cry, just remember it was you that spent your whole life hoping that this love would die.''

В колонках играет - ''Veter''- DDT.
Настроение сейчас - :-(

Today was allright, I went pj shopping w. Yana, then we met up with Anna to give her back the money. Misha was like telling me where I should go & who to meet ^ w. lol it was funny... Then me & Yana went out for sushi, I'm sure you people aren't even surprised anymore when you read this haha.

FINALLY, Asya's back, we were on the phone & I told her everything cuz I've been feeling shitty the whole day. She was like well, you got two choices call him & you'll feel better or don't. & w.o. even realizing it I said no, ''I would rather him feel better than me feel good & him bad.'' She was like ''is this Lena I'm talking to?'' LOL sucha bitch. But she was like, that sounds so unselfish coming from you, I wish you'd say ''I wish I was sick instead of Asya.'' I'm like ''NOW, that you don't count on.'' haha

so maybe... THAT'S love.

This was cool. LOL. We get there, her roommate is sleeping & I'm listening to Anna thinking damn why can't I be sleeping. Eventually both of us just fall asleep & 2 hours later Anna's waking me up...because her dear bf called & she's off to see him just leaving me alone in her house. Not that I cared @ that time, I just went back to sleep. lol I wake up around 12, had to call her like 50 times to get her to come back. So after she gets back, she calls, AGAIN. Puts him on speaker, he's like ''btw tell Lena I said hi cuz I know she can hear me right now.'' Smo0th move, Anna. She's like ya predstavlayu ona navernoe ahhuela kogda ti ei vse rasskazala... LMAO, I'm like ''well.......'' Then we were laughing at was saying: he's like ''Anna, u menya bilo stressovoe utro, ya tebya pozvonyu potom, u menya stress. Anya uspakoisya, idi vipey chai, ne pridumay sebe nichego.'' I'm like NOW WHY DOES THAT SOUND LIKE NIK?

Anyhow, after we had nothing to do so we went to go stalk my ex. First off, WE ALMOST GOT LOST. Second, HE WASN'T THERE, actually NOBODY WAS THERE. So I'm wearing like everything pink with a pink hat... I'm like ''Anna, do you think he'll notice me if I wear the hat.'' (stupid question) I mean I'm not invisible, unfortunately.. Eventually, we gave up, she's like ''I bet they were hiding in the bushes'', I'm like ''oh yes, definitely they all knew LENA WAS COMING, i vse v kusti.'' She's like ''yeah & Katya too'' I'm like nu esli ona v kust pomestitsa togda u nih vse idet po planu ;)'' I know, write about not you're gonna say ''OOOOHHH'' I know, I know, comebacks :) The best one I heard tho was from him, when I asked him to ''go down'' so I can write the card on his back...yeaaah. cute.

The day felt so0o long, I went to go chill with Igor at the movies after. Told his everything, hmm funny.

omg, 5 am I don't know why I'm doing this but Anna's about to be here because her bf won't bubble with her & somehow I'm involved in this... Not that I was sleeping, but I was ABOUT TO...until. yeah. anyway I shall tell you how that goes later, after I come back & GET SOME SLEEP.

I don't even feel like writing anything lately...
Asya's leaving to freakin Pocanos for four fuckin days! lol
In the past two days (even though it seemed like much longer) I've been ''enoying my summer''...

On Mon. I went out for sushi with Igor... turns out all you need to get back in the mood is a friend, a candle (or two), an energy drink, some sushi, & SWINGS!

On Tuesday Asya & I were ''reunited''...half way lol. I was, she wasn't. Me, her, Kostya, & Vitalik made a bonfire on the ''beach'' (if you must call it that), @ the abandoned park. Stupid fire took like half an hr to lit...& Kostya with his ''$200 lunch receipts'' Asya's like...''IT'S PAPER, does it matter how much?'' I swear all he knows how to do is show off, well okay I'll give it to him & make bonfires with his ''$500 receipts'' LOL & it kept dying so all of us went to go get some dry wood or whatever you can find there...
Only after I realized I should've followed him all the way through those stupid rocks, cuz he went like mad far while Asya & Vitalik watched over the fire. But whatever he chooses to be an ass, so why should I even bother to try??? Then he came back & we we're on opposite sides with the fire in the middle (so romantic, if only Vitalik & Asya went PO0F!) but yeah, I pick my head up & see he was looking @ me, mad awkward...
After that, Anna picked me up & we went for sushi, AGAIN. I swear I'm like a sushi freak. (Nik would knw...) But anyway, we're walking back through the park & I'm like ''something just dropped on my head'' & then it starts POURING like not even drops just like a waterfall! & I see lightning I RUN, this is like my second marathon this week I swear LMAO. & there's a garbage man hitting on me I'm like wtf lol...it's funny Anna's scared of the garbage man & I'm scarted of lightning, yet I'm running & she's standing there like an idiot. lol Yeah I can really tell Anna's not a runner, you know, neither was I until 2 days ago haha...
I rem. she two days ago she ims she's like ''So, who won the marathon?'' I'm like ''lol not me..'' Callin me frickin crazy, I'm like I'm not crazy, exercise is good for you, makes your heart healthy, gets your blo0d pumpin, but I would prefer not to do it in the 90 degree heat anymore =]

Yest. I spent the WHOLE day writing & drawing, posts of that comin so0n!

Леха (3:00 AM):
дурочки:-)

INSURED by Mafia :-) (3:01 AM):
lol...I dnt knw whose worse
I dnt knw why Im tlln you this...arnt you & her like really go0d frnds? :-X

Леха (3:02 AM):
я не сплетник

Леха (3:03 AM):
то что я ее друг не означает что я пойду завтра ей на чай рассказывать все
если захочешь чтоб она знала, встретитесь и поговарите)

INSURED by Mafia :-) (3:04 AM):
lol nadeyus 4to net,mne eto sovsem ne nado )

INSURED by Mafia :-) (3:06 AM):
da ona zdes' voobshe ne pri4em, we broke ^ bc of me not her..

Леха (3:08 AM):
ор бекоусе оф хим)

Надо жить

Am E
Надо жить, мне сказала вчера
A Dm
При свечах, кинув карты, цыганка
Dm Am
И в осеннюю полночь ушла
F E
Спрятав слезы под шелк полушалка
Dm
Надо жить, только как и зачем
E Am
Если знаю, что все ты забудешь
Dm Am
Если в бликах венчальных свечей
F E
Не со мною стоять завтра будешь


Припев
Dm E
Обманом глаз прекрасных бредить
Am
Не каясь досыта грешить
Dm E
И для тебя одной на свете
Am
Лишь для тебя на свете жить
Dm E
И для тебя одной на свете
Dm E Am
Лишь для тебя на свете жить


Надо жить и терпеть эту боль,
Что попутчицей следует всюду
Надо жить и играть эту роль
Не хочу, не умею, не буду!
Надо жить и встречаясь с тобой
Каждый раз губ фальшиво касаться
И просить, и молить: Боже мой
Как с тобою любимой расстаться


Надо жить и всегда надо знать
И на миг ты моей быть не можешь
Но любить, и ходить, и искать
Тебя в лицах случайных прохожих
Эй, цыганка постой, погоди!
Что ж в ночи ты так быстро пропала
Черным веером жизнь отведи
Ту, которую ты нагадала

LeNnY15200 (12:20:19 AM): wats up...
Fire Of Eternity (12:20:02 AM): nothing.
Fire Of Eternity (12:20:12 AM): youre so desprate 2 find me, Im invis.
LeNnY15200 (12:21:05 AM): i knew u were invisible...
Fire Of Eternity (12:20:31 AM): hmmm..
LeNnY15200 (12:21:14 AM): i see that u and nik got back together
Fire Of Eternity (12:20:46 AM): why am I not surprised?
Fire Of Eternity (12:20:53 AM): so if you see why are you imin me?
LeNnY15200 (12:21:50 AM): w.e.
LeNnY15200 (12:21:50 AM): bye
Fire Of Eternity (12:21:15 AM): bye.



There was so no point in that. I do not intend on talking to someone who thought he was only right & never wrong, & who was giving me ''advice'' he KNEW was UNNECESSARY. point blank.


In any case, I feel what I feel, & I feel BAD. Sometimes all you think about is what you want, & to get what you want. But now that I got it I think of how he must feel, I didn't give him much of a choice between ''yes'' & ''no'' :-(
So I took everything back, but he refuses to change his mind. It's bad for both of us if he just feels guilty or bad, but I created this problem myself by not really giving him a choice to begin with. Thinking ''I'll get what I want even if it means stepping over heads'', never works! Because then come the complications like a guilty conscience, & we all know that is more than enough to bother oneself. Though I will admit, that was my ''worst case scenario plan'' from the beginning, I never thought that actually it working would even bother me. I mean even I would feel better if I knew he CHOSE to be with me out of love, not because of my stupid fool-proof tactics! =(
I really hope he goes to the prom with me, there's no sense in going there without an actual date, & I don't consider going with a guy friend- an actual date. Problem is I already got my pretty red dress, & gold heels...but I don't know how he's gonna get the money before the 15th- which is the ACTUAL prom. :-(


A lil off topic...but I was watching the stories of famous parents' kids. It's so ironic how their parent would do anything for their kids NOT to go into show business, yet they continue doing it themselves...while talking about drugs, fakes, & lies.

В колонках играет - ''Puh I Perya.''- Bratya Grim.
Настроение сейчас - la la la

I love my baby, & he's only mine to love.



*A mne pravda ''tak interesnei, love U''. I can't not get myself into shit & then start fixing it, where's the fun in that? =]

В колонках играет - ''Veter Znoi.''- Bratya Grim.
Настроение сейчас - THOUGHTFUL...in every sense...

I was watching Lolita & she explains everything that I feel that even I can't explain. It's true only when you're afraid to loose someone do you realize exactly how much you need/or don't need them in your life. Nothing to do with love, just need.



Sad, but true... Going into another relationship while you are not over the previous one is the worst choice you can make. (for yourself.) Pain, anger, revenge, history, memories, & forgiveness, all of that will result in how you're going to act in your next relationship. For the most part, most people don't change & usually make the same mistakes as done previously. Unfortunately, sometimes, I think I belong to that majority of people.

I mean you can't get over someone when you REFUSE to get over them. Even if you feel that you can, first you have to ACCEPT that that is what you have to do, for yourself.

To go into something new, you have to completely let go, forgive, forget, but most importantly forgive. Otherwise you will mistakingly be taking out revenge on the next person you'll be going out with. You won't trust anyone, & will never be able to love if you don't completely deal with the past. & so this cycle goes on & on, unless you choose to do something about it. For some reason I thought I was the only one with these issues, turns out I am, by far, not. Question is...how do you deal?



I think *ko svemu nujno podhodit' s umom*


Asya said...''nujno zdorovo zadet''
mda, zadeli, tol'ko ne ya, a menya... =[

В колонках играет - ''Mne Trudno Govorit'- REFLEX & ''Polusa''-Smislovie Gallucinacii
Настроение сейчас - like I said...0PTIMISIC.

I guess it's kind of like when my step sister told me- ''You'll be thankful in the future that he rejected you that day.'' That was about the end of the summer, few last days. We were on the train going somewhere, & all I could think about was why did my ''let me drink, & smoke some more, & then leave god knows where with Dima'' plan didn't work...
What I didn't know is that today I am more than thankful that it didn't Can you imagine if it was me & not Nastya that he left with. I wouldn't get over him in a good two years, & probably regret for a good five. What Dasha told me was a very optimistic point of view, he remembered what happened last time, & he knew that if he hooked up (I mean all the way ''hooked up'') with me he'd feel bad because he himself knows he fucks people over, but Nastya, he knew she wouldn't care much. So in a way, she told me to think of it as that he respects you, & didn't want to hurt you, as opposed to rejection.



So now, IF ANYTHING, I know that whatever happened with whoever shouldn't hurt me (it does, but shouldn't, you know...) Yes I guess I don't admit it now, but I do feel in a few months I will be VERY thankful that either God, or he himself, or just consequences didn't let me lower myself to that level where I would let myself be cheated...(literally- unfortunately.) Always felt so strong about myself leaving ''as soon as something'', but this time I knew I would be stupid & stay, YES EVEN IF something didn't happen, I don't even mean as much physically, as emotionally. So yes I am thankful for that one little thing that still makes me respect myself, & that didn't let me go below my principles.



A pessimist would call this rejection. I would call this a favor.
One thing that I do know is that I'm ahead of the game, yes a loser, but a loser who's still ahead of the game. & she might win, but she'll never gain what I gained. You have to give some to get some. So you have have to loose some to have room to take something else in. So I guess this time I lost to someone, but what I gained was not making the most regretful mistake of my life, to forgive what can't be forgiven, & to close my eyes on something a self respecting person wouldn't.


Now, only one question, since when am I, this optimistic?

So many things to realize,
But all of them were missed
To loose whatever meant more than now
Rather than to be ''forever kissed.''
I won't run away from regretful mistakes
Surrounded by four walls, thinking of you,
Thinking of HOW I'll do whatever it takes
No words can describe, no kiss can compare
To the one of yours, life without you is to live without air...
Sometimes I wanna tell you that I am only yours
But what is the point when you wish to close all doors
Why be with someone else when my heart beats for you
Your hugs & your arms are the ones I want to fall into
But I keep missing, & I keep falling
My phone rings all day, but you're not calling...
All day I'm planning, & I keep aiming,
But with every kiss, I'm only failing.
& even though I know you'll never return
I'll rip up old cards knowing that memories are much harder to burn.
L.L. 6.2.07

В колонках играет - ''UR''- by Tiesto.
Настроение сейчас - violent. =]

I love my mom, the names that she calls people sometimes shock me. Like, even I would never say that to her. She's the coolest mom you'll ever meet, she's the coolest mom I ever met. lol She's like ''skaji emu eto, skaji ei to, skaji im 4to oni''...oh that's me skipping lots of curse words in the middle lol =] No wonder I have sucha bad, but sucha good habit of sending people straight to hell. I swear, I don't have time, or the ENERGY for bullshit, I did when I was 14. I had nothing better to do, but bitch & threaten back & forth with some stupid bitches on aim & whimit. Now, I honestly would be very, very, very SATISFIED with punching some idiot in the face. =)zaebali everyone, I haven't been in a fight since...this summer, even though that was more of me running away from three guys than fighting but still lol. Sometimes me & Asya wanna get together &...(no not get drunk)..& rip some hair out. =]


Tomorrow, actually that would already be today, is Friday! This means Lenochka is going out. Me, Yana, & Asya are thinking somewhere along the lines of the boardwalk & Carlo's pizzeria, not for pizza, obviously, for tequila ;]

В колонках играет - 6 am ... ?
Настроение сейчас - hyper.

Amazing, I actually went to sleep @ exactly 9:30 yesterday! Now it's 6 am & I feel fine, perhaps if I went to sleep like this all the time I wouldn't be late every single day. lol

You know what scares me...How is it that when you actually try, nothing goes your way, & when you give up, everything happens on its own. Which in a way proves that people really don't have that much control over their lives. I remember something like this from Greek Mythology, unfortunately I wouldn't remeber what it's called because sophomore year seems so far back now lol.
I had this interesting convo with my mom yesterday, over sushi lol. I realized that what I want from life, mostly has to do with me. I want my own apartment when I do to college, of course I mean renting, & of course with a roommate (I have a couple of ideas already on whom that might be ;) She agrees with me for the most part, we even went to like 20 years into the future lol Now, THEN I want MY OWN apartment, a successful career, that will actually be something I like to do. I don't want to get married or have kids, just live life for myself go out, meet people, & work, work, work =] I'm not saying opinions never change, but for now that's what I'm aiming for. & still I keep thinking about it I would love to be a landscape designer. Then again we all know just how many times I change my mind about my future profession...exactly.

В колонках играет - Irina Dubcova.- ''Beda.''
Настроение сейчас - ... was I ever NOT allright? =]

sometimes it scares me. When you beg & apologize, get nothing in return, when you stop caring- you get cared for. Sometimes I feel that stops me from being who I really am, loving & caring, because when I close my eyes on many things & apologize, I get ignored, or worse. & when I'm a bitch, I get everything I want. We've has SO MANY arguments that it's impossible to fix everything. It's not that I'm against him going drinking with his friends, I know it's obvious he will never cheat on me, no matter what, but just the fact that he would rather go spend time with them than me, or all of us together. I think I agree that when two people are in a relationship, clubs & lounges, & all of that are not needed, unless they go together, but you can't deny the same goes for going drinking with your friends, or whoever. I want to be appreciated to, everywhere. =[ He doesn't get it, he says that I'm nice to him, he'll return the same feelings even more, but every time I try everything becomes even worse. =/ I'm not a trusting girl, I can't be nice first becomes I'm afraid of getting hurt, & the circle never ends...all I'm saying is that if maybe he stood up to his friends who are probably saying I'm keeping him on a leash (I'm not) & said that I won't go anywhere without her, I would make sacrifices & not go out to clubs or lounges, or anywhere with my friends until he's ready to go with me. I'm afraid to do ANYTHING nice first because EVERY SINGLE TIME, like this time, when I came & apologize & begged, I didn't get him back, I didn't get anything. I just hope he'll make the first move first, he'll do something for me, AGAIN, & I'll do it back. There's no other way.
This lady from Bez Komplekosov got divorced three times, all because all three of her husbands liked to go out ONCE IN A WHILE to go drink with their friends. I see her point, why should she have to stay home alone, & worry, fortunately, they all came running back to her. It's called respect. I'm like that, if something hurts, I'll leave I won't stand like an idiot waiting for God knows what. Leaving hurts too, probably more, but I'd rather leave respected, than stay & look stupid.

Anyway, that's not even the main reason for out ''split'', I love him, & I know I'll always be there for him, even if he decides not to be here for me.
& I'm pretty much satisfied with today. Especially Oleg leaving, & him being slow enough not to notice both of us being in the house. Or we're just skilled, especially me, ya know when you've have a lot of practice ;) lol.

I don't like this, if you look back at my previous post about ''bad people- being good friends'' you'll see that it doesn't agree with my recent one, @ all. That bothers me, does it mean I can't keep my mind on the same thing for more than a day? But...bad people..can't, they can't be good friends. What ever before made me think otherwise. Liars can't be good people either, & definitely. can't be good, reliable friends.


But I was waiting, not to feel pity, not to him come crying to me, not in that sense tho. In the sense that his ''good'' friend will fuck him over, & he'll simply realize that I was there for him more than his great friend was, His ''good'' friend waited 2 weeks for him to call first becau
se his ''good'' friend had been done wrong ONCE in his lil miserable life, which he did to people more than once. He didn't call him back, UNTIL his birthday, & NONE of his friends got him bday gifts, except...m ...just one. Just in that sense. I have truly good friends, who (believe it or not) care about the person I'm with, & if I do something wrong they tell me, they stand up for the person who I choose to be my second half. & I'm okay with that, actually, I'm great with that. Too bad someone who ''loved'' me doesn't care that his friends don't give a fuck about me...or him (which he's in denial of, at least one of them, to4no.)


I love Anna, & her ''special'' ways to bring up my mood.
I got a call @ like 1 am... ''Lena! Look @ Alex's facebook status!''
''Okay, and?''
''I think he's talking about you...''
''Anna, I hardly doubt Alex thinks I'm a pedophile..''
''What's a pedophile???''
...but that's a whole different story, btw, she's 21. =]

В колонках играет - ViStancia- ''K Zvezdam.''
Настроение сейчас - nu, mojet uje i poumnela lol.

Lots of new stuff to tell my readers, if I have any, hopefully someone's actually reading this. lol I should be thankful for Asya, & her persistence to drag me out of the house. success!!! I whine & complain, & act intolerably stubborn, but at the end of the day I know I'd rather be out with my friends having fun than sit home eating marshmallows- pretending I'm doing something important. Last time Yana & Asya joined forces & got me out, which was this Sat., I met the funniest kid. It was him & two of his other friends, one which was drunk, the second one just wanted to get the hell outta there already. on takoi ''nu davai uje viberi odnu i poshli'' I'm like ''yeah, bye Asya =)'' He's like alright I'm gonna go catch up with him, prohodit chas, on vse stoit. lol Voobshem, it all started with me, I don't know, guess its my talent to get into things, things that concern me, things that don't concern me, kakaya raznica, da? lol Asya, Yana, & I were taking pics, so he offered to take it for us. Yana being on her drill hunt of course got excited. I knew he looked familiar, I'm like Asya that's the kid from the soccer game, no doubt. Of course me being the one with my over the top- beyond the border crazy ideas, Yana & Asya already decided I should ask him if he knows my ex bf to start the convo. So I come up to him like a crazy person (that I am) I'm like ''do you know Nikita?'' He's like ''yeah. cool guy'', I'm like ''nice to meet you, I'm the ''cool guy's ex gf'' In the next five minutes kid manages to get his # from me, calls him up, asks where he is, & bam. He's like he's there, doing this, with them. I'm like thanks? I didn't ask, but that would really do. I don't know why he did it, what's in it for him, but I did appreciate it. Then we just went on talking about stupid stuff. On simpoti4niy, funny, outgoing, someone Asya & I would call the ''clown'' type, THOSE are the ones I usually fall for. Rarely quiet, never shy, usually conceited, & most of the time act like assholes. A on immeno takoe vpi4etlenie i proizvel, not that it matters, I'm not really attracted to him, & it's not my role to go out with my ex's friends. Don't do that shit most girl like to. Yana already in a screwed up relationship, now wants to try it with this kid, whose name is Vlad btw. I told her, thats not going from unhealthy to a good relationship. It's not moving anywhere close to up, eta nazivaetsa stoyat' na meste. I can tell in the hr that I spoke to him that he- if not a player, but definitely not a guy who'd make his gf happy. He's hilarious to be around with, but I'd stop there if I was her. Her choice tho.


Today, my morning ''breakfast'' consisted of: one orange, two peaches, & 3 marshmallows. Then my day was a lil, walk, jog, & run. All the way from Brighton Beach, Asya, Vitaliy, & I walked to Ceaser's Bay. Met up with my OTHER EX & walked to the Verrezzano, (& back.) lol I know all the answer, to many, many questions. I can assume right now, & be 99.9% right that Kostya's acting like a 15 yr old (no offense to 15 yr olds out there) kid that is angry @ the world. He was dumped, wasn't wanted back after a couple of failed attempt, & when he talked on aim & I got what I wanted to hear, that he agreed to talk to me, & be somewhat friends, I forgot about him the next day. I like the hunt, esli mne ne interesno I find something else more interesting & time consuming, & valuable. So basically us meeting up was full of good comebacks, not insults, jokes, & comebacks, I think all my friends will agree that I'm good when it comes to comebacks. I guess me talking to my other ex bf on the phone for half of the time got to him. I was talking to HIS best friend about how to get back with my ex, & I got good advice. Hey, honestly THAT would piss me off, but I wouldn't show it & act like I'm 5 again. He payed me more attention that I expected, ''Lena nobody asked you, Lena go see your ex, just go already, Asya convince her to go.'' He's standing on the rocks asking MY best friend to join him, claiming that he can't climb back up without her... I'm like okay, two, even three lol, can play this game. I'm like ''Asya, if I go will you?'' I don't care I've climbed worse than rocks before, 4to so mnoi budet?... Kostya's like: ''Oh no, I'm coming back, it's okay I can climb back up myself.'' or ''I just wanted Asya, not you.'' Near the water: Asya's telling me to look @ the view, I'm like ''I can't see'', I'm like ''Kostya, move out the way, will ya? Your big head is blocking my view.'' On tak razozlisya, he's like ''stfu, nobody asked you.'' THE best one was when we were coming back & he met up with Alik... (i po4emuto daje Alik na menya normal'no reagiruet) Kostya's like ''Asya, Asya's like an angel, this one, lo0k at her, like oh god.'' Alik ignored that & made a comment about Kostya's ''white'' hat, which made me look his way, & notice that the whole back of that ''white'' has was no longer white... I'm like ''Kostya, are you sure your hat is white?'' I'm like ''gde ti bil???, I think you should flip it & double check if it's still white =]'' (& NO, I didn't do a thing to it.) He looks at it, & he's standing there mad embarrassed, I start laughing!!!..... To which Kostya HAD to say. ''wtf are you laughing about?'' Asya & I left, I kinda got bored, zaebal. I got home, & realized my feet needed a long shower they were all dirty, well of course, I wore flipflops. I ran in them too, so not I have like a blister, but it's not, cause I was taking a shower & I thought I saw blood, but it wasn't washing off, so it's like internal bleeding =[ my feet REALLY hurt.
...I actually thought if he tried something, which his stupid pride, & stupidity (more stupidity) didn't let, I'd bubble with him. Just because I have nothing better to do, besides there's no feelings, then I'd just leave him. I was going to do that to my other ex, the most recent one, but that was for purely revenge, not pleasure, lol. The difference is, it would hurt him to know he got used, & then dumped. Because he did let his stupid stuck up friend threaten me so I think I have a full 100% right to use him in any kind of way. But pope, its questionable, who's using who, ya know?
This is actually the first time I didn't come straight up, & say ''you're wrong, you hurt me, apologize & well work it out.'' Something made me take the other road, that I never thought about before, just pure revenge, THAT'S HOW HURT I REALLY WAS. I was a little scared, that it would just be like using myself, but if guys can do it, girls can to, & I definitely can. At times, rarely, I felt it was od, & I don't want to hurt him like that. But at other times, I felt that if he saw nothing wrong in what he did, then I'll do it. Ya ustala govorit' whats wrong & right. It's like that song by ViStancia, ''...nejeli sobstvenie promahi,ya tak ustal, zame4at' za vsemi, vse to 4to za soboi ne zame4al. So, I'm not saying I did everything right, & nothing wrong. But people that are close to me should know better not to hurt me like that. I guess it was because I didn't call right away, & didn't say right away what was wrong, actually I never said anything was wrong at all, we just didn't talk for 3 days. Ya dumala on sam poimet that because of Alex, he lost me, he would call & apologize, ya sama nehotela davat' nikkih podskazok, it was so simple, but no... So that plan just popped up, I guess to Yana's influence lol. Didn't go through with it tho, for a couple of reasons, nasil'no mil ne budesh, I went as far as my crazy side would go, but he didn't fall for it completely. I guess there's two reasons why it wasn't meant to happen this way. First off, it's enough pain for him, I shouldn't hurt him anymore, we're completely even. Second, I wouldn't be able to just leave, I'd feel used, myself, & I would probably cry & ask if he loves me, this time really cry. I'm too emotional for these kinda things, & if Yana's able to do it, I'm not. She doesn't have to go out with her ex or whoever he is to her now, or ever was. She bubbles with him, & leaves, & life is all good again. I can't.

A friend asked me why keep a diary, if no one comments?

I don't keep a diary so some losers online have something to read, & to comment. I keep a diary so that I can bitch on the internet, instead of in person, @ someone. When things are hard to explain, when you don't need more drama in your life, when you don't intend to hurt ANYONE's feelings, & when you just plain old ''don't want to talk about it'', are the reasons why I have this stupid pg, with stupid things, that stupid you will never understand.

В колонках играет - blyat, 4 am, uje davno ni4ego ne igraet
Настроение сейчас - screwed,

I'm so caught up between myself, & the person whom I'm trying to act like. People wouldn't even notice how much I bottle everything up in myself, to make someone else happy. To save the arguments & the dramas...

yeah this WILL sounds stupid, but every bf says, at least once, to his gf, that he'll take her shopping to VS. See, happened to me too, but never actually got there. Now he's all into Ricky's, talk about tacky. A bright pink juicy sweatsuit could never compare. & I won't even go into other topics, like Tiffany's, or anything else for that matter. I want something pretty, something sexy, something.. expensive. There I said it, the word all you guys are so afraid of, well not all, just MY guys, for some reason.

What's up with all those romantic movies? They all make me so upset, I was watching Coyote Ugly today & it all just seems so unrealistic. The girl in the movie overcomes her fears thanks to her bf. She has a phobia of the one thing she loves most, she love singing. The Jersey girl gets stage fright every time she overcomes her fear of facing an audience. One time, when her tape is excepted to a club, she gets her first gig. & when the music comes on, she freezes, not surprisingly the lights go off, & she realizes that it was him, he remembered that she told him she can only sing freely in the dark. So basically, in reality, that guy would have to go backstage, find the thing that provides electricity, turn it off, & actually THINK of doing all that. I know, I know, only in movies.

Or...the typical, the girl comes home & to her surprise she sees her whole ro0m filled with different roses. They everywhere, on her bed, on the floor, in vases, on the window sill, EVERYWHERE. Of course a guy must have $ for that, & again, he would actually have to think of that first.

One time I'll actually LEARN the words BEFORE the concert, not during.

You know those girls that always pick up the phone, when you decide to call up an old friend of yours. Well I am now one of those girls, tho I hated it when it was done to me.

If there is one thing in the world that I refuse to tolerate is disrespect. & if you mistakingly do it to me, God help you. Especially I hate when people do something on purpose, & pretend they never meant for that to happen, when in reality it was what they were aiming for all along. In those kind of cases I usually strike back, & it won't be pretty. I'll go to the fullest to show that person I have as much respect for them, as they have for me. Whether that means I'll tell the world that person's deepest, darkest secrets, or just make him lo0k like a fo0l in front of his friends.

& once again, guys, please, if you currently have a girlfriend. PLEASE, stop lo0king for trouble, stop offering help to people you barely know (especially those who don't give 2 shits about you.), & mind your own business. You have someone by your side, take care of THEM, the rest of the world will wait, or survive just as fine, W.O. your help, believe me- its possible.

& ladies, if you're dying from jealousy, make sure not to show it. If you suspect someone is after your love, pretend you don't know it. The more jealous you act, the more you show that the other girl MEANS competition, & the more your loved one sees that you consider her that, the more HE starts to think about her, & notice. So, in conclusion, jealousy will only push your bf/gf farther away from you, because, without realizing it, YOU'RE pushing them away from yourself.

В колонках играет - Sestra- Kasta.
Настроение сейчас - on top of the world.


& just for a second I actually thought I heard him say what I wanted to hear, & not because he knew that was what I wanted to hear, but because he meant it. Then again I fully understand, that in reality he was just testing me, & if I'll say yes to him. I don't like when people manipulate me into me decisions, by saying first one thing, then another. He tells me he wants something, & when I don't approve of it he says he won't do it, or will only do it with me. When he sees that made me less angry he tries to ask again if I would mind. I don't appreciate that.

В колонках играет - Mas Que Nada- Sergio Mendes/BEP.
Настроение сейчас - hoplessly romantic

I was watching the most romantic proposal ever. She's dating a criminal & he brought her like fruits & peaches to bed. When she opened one of them, there was a rose petal, & on it was a diamond ring. The next morning when she decided to miss work, he told her to get dressed because he was obviously expecting someone. & when the doorbell rang, two people came in which he hired for them to take pictures, music, & all that stuff, for the wedding...@ home. Can you imagine? So she comes out & she was so happy that he surprised her with all of all of that. & he wanted her to keep her last name. THAT'S LOVE. (once again, no I didn't witness this, it's all on tv, unfortunatly.)