"And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into
action immediately: They rent out my room."

"How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans."

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's
the government."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it
through not dying."

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed
teachers."

"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile
woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a
Gentile woman on a Saturday night."

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in
my name at a Swiss bank."

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

"I've never been an intellectual but I have this look."


"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have
any fun at all."

"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you
get between the right man and the right woman."


"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but
not in those words."


"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet."