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Issue #5. Male and Female Sexuality. Part 1.
Hello, dear readers.
Today we will discuss the importance of sexuality in the relationship between a man and a woman, namely, problems and myths that impede the expression of intimacy and building trust in a couple. To cover such a delicate issue, we will turn to the expert opinion of Igor Kon, a well-known sexologist in Russia and in the West.
In his article, "Male and Female Sexuality," he says: "Male sexuality has always been and remains a kind of a cult. And where there is the cult there are myths. And where there are myths there is fear, anxiety and worry if everything is ok with me, “Am I a real man?”
Here’s other excerpts from his article:
"A boy knows from his childhood that he must be strong. But the best way to appear strong is to hide one’s weaknesses or something that seems to be a weakness. A man's lifestyle at all ages is highly competitive in nature; the fear to appear weak forces boys to pretend to be more daring and arrogant than they are. Partly, the pressure helps create a man’s character, but at the same time it distorts it, depriving a man of warmth and tenderness.
According to psychological tests, men of all ages are inferior to women in the ability to self-disclosure and to empathy. One of the most common problems of teenage and adolescence is shyness. However, feeling shy is much more painful for youths than for girls, because it is not considered a male quality. And the more one has to hide, the harder it is to live. In boys’ companies, the manifestation of tenderness is strictly prohibited. Later, this is often carried over to their relationships with women. (...)
With all the cross-cultural differences, a man's lifestyle seems to be more objective-instrumental, while a woman embodies the emotional and the expressive beginnings. A man is evaluated mainly according to the results of his work and social activities, as a warrior, a getter, an organizer; a woman is valued more by tenderness, affection, and emotional qualities that help overcome and resolve conflicts. These criteria define men’s and women’s self-esteems, including the area of sexuality.
Because of the instrumental-ness and competitiveness of their lifestyles, many men do not trust their own experiences and need objective confirmation of his sexual “performance.”
A man gets the most weighty confirmation of his masculinity from a woman. That is why the first sexual experience is so important for a boy. And men change wives and practice casual relationships not only and not as much because of the sexual needs and the thirst for variety, but for the sake of self-affirmation: “I am no worse than others, I'm not old, I can ...”
But a man who seeks to prove his strength by all means unwittingly turns intimacy into a kind of a test. And often he “fails” in this test precisely because he does not feel quite free and relaxed. One of the most common male sexual disorders is the so-called "performing anxiety,” a man’s doubt in his sexual skills. In recent decades, the syndrome that is similar to the difficulties experienced sometimes by actors has occurred much more frequently. (...)
In the next part of the issue, we will continue to discuss aspects of female sexuality.
Read the post “The Five Languages of Love” in Lubov Latypova’s blog, “Happy Life With Russian Wife.”
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