Ent been here in a year.
Wow.
Shows how quick I  get bored of these, eh?
Although none of you wanted to know about my boring old life, and I'm not naive enough to think you did. :)

In life there are 2 kinds of people:
The people who give up, and the people who keep trying.

Personally, for now, I'm going to put myself in the "people who keep trying" category.
Because I'll make things work :)
I'll make life work ^^

And when I'm done sorting out mine, watch out everybody cause I'll be coming to take care of all your problems ;)

Anyways, with this I give you my likely last post.
This was all quite short-lived.

Much love,
Kit

ну теперь, в конце всего, я сижу и ищу букву "ц" на клавиатуре... интереное окончяние всему... а может и нет. Может, не конец? я не знаю... это, всё таки всего на всего мои гадание. Интересно, как легко я влюьляюсь... наверно возраст. И всё кажется новое, каждое чувство оригинальное - прям ТОЧНО до тебя никто так не чувствувал... так подожди... это видь не так... хоть и хочется...

Сижу тут, думаю... и думаю... и думаю... какая то чеконутая, правда?

надо жи ДЕЛАТЬ!

пора спать... ухожу... даже не знаю зачем во первых припёрлась :P:P

And all I've really ever wanted was to see you again..

My cold dead lips sigh/

As my bleeding heart quiets/

You took a part of me with you/

When you left/

When I realized/

You would never be with me/

And as I remember you/

My hearts bleeds/

And cracks a little/

And a little more/

Quiet sadness/

Penetrates my being/

And I'm sure you know/

You demolished a critical part of me/

When you said those words/

Yea.. well.. my cousin was visiting from Russia for the summer... very jerk-ish. and constantly horny-ish. So yea, maybe he wasn't the MOST easy person to deal with, but then again, neither am I really.. And now he's leaving tomorrow, and surprise surprise, I'm actually kind of sad :( He is my cousin after all.. Still though, he can be a real jerk. But I'm still going to miss him.. shocking... yes... for me as well

Slightly numbed now, the feeling doesn't go away... if I'm lucky it won't become sharp for a long time. I feel... desperate, needy, lonely, and very very sleepy.. very strange... not usually sleepy at this hour. Maybe it'll only be at night? When I'm at my most vulnerable... frankly, I'm surprised that I'm still a virgin, knowing the way I get sometimes...yes, that was a VERY private thought.. I'm just too tired to care who may or may not read it...  I still want to be acknowledged... so much... at least a short casual email... it would be something, wouldn't it? Dare to dream, it what my mind keeps saying, so that other idiotic part of me does, and when my mind sreams for it to stop, it's already too late, and I'm already in a happy fantasy where everything is just as I want it to be. But if course, everytime that happens -

And it's happening again.. I remember this feeling... for nearly a year it was there, and I cried myself to sleep every night because of it. Love. That filthy bitch who swoops you under her wing when you least expect it. Last time it was gradual, and I accepted it readily, because there was hope. Now? There is none. There is no hope whatsoever. However, my sick intuition tells me there is, and my heart believes it, though my head knows its so blatantly wrong. Never met, never spoken, never even heard his voice. How is it possible? His words. Not his voice, but his words. I hear them. I hear his thoughts, the thoughts all hear, the thoughts he writes down. Inside he's like me, and I know this, but he doesn't. He quite literally doesn't even know I exist. Hopefully this won't last long. If I'm lucky, it'll be gone soon. It was like a bolt of lightening. Bam. And suddenly I found myself doing something i had NEVER done before. I feel very strongly about putting people up on a pedestal ( people in power, but most importantly celebrities), I've never done it. Not even a poster in my room, let alone doing something obsessive like looking it up on the internet. I keep hearing the words, but I don't want to. It's compulsive now. I feel like I'm slowly losing my sanity. How desperately I want to talk to him, to know if the person behind the words is really the person I think it is. I need to know. Right now at least, I quite desperately need to know.  When it happened, I thought it was because I liked it in general... but it wasn't general, it was pinpointed right there. I desperately wanted something, and I didn't know what. I know now- I wanted to be recognized, talked to at least, talked to as another person who you would enjoy talking to, not like someone who worships you. Oh how desperately these thoughts invade my mind. I am not all here. I need to be acknowledged. Please, someone, hear me.... make it go away...

Настроение сейчас - so longs I'm not in school I'm BEYOND happy :P

Болею... сижу дома хех... хорошо мне... сплю до десяти... на компе сижу.. а в школе слышу происходит чёртечё.. одна злится на меня и ещё на две девочки( А и Т) а другая не понятно от куда злится на неё и на Т а я слава богу сижу дома и меня это не будет косатся пока в школу опять не пойду... не хоооооооочется... I don't wanna go back to that evil hell hole... ну что зделаеш... надо... слушай как мне всё это надаедает.... как одна девчёнка злится на другую и не понятно за что... и сплетни все... достало мя все это...

Но что ж это за идиотизм когда анти посылают посто так? без причины, и даже не подписываются??? чёрте чё... а то симпашки естествино приятно получать, а анти ведь нет.... кто это зделал... скожу одно... проблемы у вас точно есть... ну лвдно... хватит... сёдня в школу чёрти за что попёрлась... все равно не чё не делали... седили с подругой болтали после обеда а утром дали одну несчасную строничку математики... а математика совсем легкая...нуууу сёдня время потратила... мм... ну хоть с подругой по балтали...

Настроение сейчас - meh... i won't rip your head off...

cегодня был день... нормальный... ну хотя бы лутше чем вчера... Эми приехала... в Тим Хортонс сходили... моку по пили  няяяяяями  потом погуляли чуть... и кино посмотрели "The Notebook" называется... мне нрава... ну вот... день хороший.. my computer is screwed up though... when I type in russian it says EN and when i type in english it says RU... but what ever, so long as I can type in both :P

continuation of previous... well sort of... just shit in my head... i dunno... i think i put one like these up before, i don't remember... if anyone actually reads them... well... if lets say 2 or 3 people comment on it i shall add another...im a hopeless romantic - if you laugh ill slit your throat. and im not joking. ill seriously hunt you down and slit your throat. and beware... i do know whether or not you're laughing... *morbid little thing aren't i?*

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She sat staring at the chalkboard, watching the teachers mouth move, but not hearing any words come out. The only she was aware of was him behind her. Honeslty, it made her tense, but inside she was jumping for joy. She could be near him... it felt nice. She turned around to "look at the clock" for the 7th time in the past 5 minutes. She knew she was being way too obvious, but she didn't care. The bell for next class rang, and everyone got up eagerly. The teacher smiled nastily and reminded them it was a double. Everyone groaned and sat back down. It seemed she was the only one who rather liked this class.

"May I go to the wash room?", she asked the teacher quietly.

"Yes, you may. ", he answered without looking up from his work.

She left the class and walked out into the deserted hallway. She didn't really have to go to the bathroom, but since he had left the room the class had become boring. She opened the door into the stairwell. Looking out into the blizzard outside, she sat down on the stairs. It seemed like forever had gone by, and then she finally heard the door opening behind her. She knew it was probably the teacher, realizing the not even she could take so much time in the bathroom, had decided to come yell at her for skipping his class himself. She turned around, and there he was. Not the teacher. it was him.

"Um...hi?", she said cautiously. She didn't want him to leave. No matter what. She wanted to stay here and talk to him.

"Hey,", he answered, "Whats up?"he answered, taking a seat beside her on the stairs.

(HIS POV)

I opened the door to the stairwell, and there she was. On the stairs, lost in her own private thoughts. I wondered if she minded any company. They only thing I wanted at this moment was to sit in this stairwell and talk to the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen.

(END HIS POV)

And so the conversation dured. With a sigh she rested her head on his shoulder. she felt him tense up - he tensed up at her touch- and realized what she was doing. She lept up, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. Realizing what it seemed like he put his arm around her shoulders and drew her down again. They were so close... he kissed her forehead, then he nose, and with a slight hesistation, leaned down and kissed her lips. When she didn't protest, he deepened the kiss. She moaned quietly into his mouth, and he drew away slowly. Somehow while they were kissing she ended up on his lap. She cuddled against his chest, and felt his hand go under the back of her shirt. She looked up at him with a smile-

"Hello? Miss? Maybe you should answer the question?", the teacher was standing in front of her with a ruler. She answered the question, and turned around to check the time.

It looked like she was lost in her head again, he thought... it was what he loved about her, she wasn't afraid to dream. The teacher slammed the ruler on her desk impatiently, and jolted her out of her dream. Idiot... he muttered. She answered his question, and turned around to check the time, he looked at her eyes, and just for a moment, they seemed to rest on him for a second before going back up to the clock. He shook his head. Hoping was pointless. It was a pointless dream.

And just as before,

He (she?) Felt

Just as

Unbearably

Lonely.

these are just little day dreams I put down on paper... or in this case the computer. It may have at one point been about someone, it may still be, but that is for you to wonder and for me to know. now if you could give some comment...twould be nice... doesn't have to be positive either. if it's negative its called *cconstructive critisism*.

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She sat quietly in the cold. Her fingers were numb a long time ago, and the feeling in her toes had ebbed away. Frozen tears stopped in making their way down her face. Her stomach was in a cold knot... she knew no one would come here. It was late... she was alone. Looking down she noticed her fingers had gone slightly blue. It didn't matter. She was alone. Unloved.

He made his way through the field and noticed a figure sitting beside the door with her back against the wall. As he came closer he saw her and his breath caught in his throat. How long had she been sitting there? She could get sick. Just looking at her face he knew she wouldn't talk. Her lips had gone blue. The frozen tears on her face answered most questions. When he tried picking her up she didn't object so he did. He carried her inside the building, and luckily, it was empty. Sitting down with her still in his lap he smoothed her hair down. Sheunconciously snuggled against him, and he buried his face in her hair. After an hour she had unfroze, and the numbness was gone from even her fingers and toes. They both knew he was no longer needed, but neither of them cared. She revelled in the feeling of warmth near her, and he held her closer.

"Thank you...", she rasped out, her mouth dry from unuse.

"I love you...", he answered without thinking. She looked up at him with a plea in her eyes. He held her closer, and whispered beautiful things in her ear. She cuddled against him, and he lifted her chin and ever so softly put his lips to hers. She deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck. Pulling away she buried her nose in the crook between his neck and his shoulder.

"I'll always love you...", she answered at last, hoping he felt the same way.

"Hello? Heeeelllooooooo? I'm asking you a question you nitwit! Wake up! Her friend pushed her slightly.

"Wha?... Oh.. right.", she answered, the loudness of the classroom waking her from her daydream. Glancing across the room, she saw him staring out into space, lost in his own mind. With a small smile she wondered... no... too small a chance. With a sigh she turned back to her friend.

A guy being shoved into him made him jolt out of his daydream. Looking over he saw her animatedly talking to her friend. With a smile and sigh he went and pushed the guy who pushed him.

And each felt just as

Alone

As before.

omg... i trust people... and consider them to be really good friends... and it seems like they agree... and then im ditched cuz they find a new "close friend". and then when i get upset at being left out i get the : "oh ur mad at me cuz i have friends?" and " we are SO not leaving you out, you're imagining things" and then when these friends of mine get together and then call me *note they didn't invite me and say oh we're calling czu we wanna talk to u... well wtf, why  didn't u invite me if you wanted to do that? seriously... its so screwed... i sure am gonna enjoy life with my dozens of cats... geez...

Why is it that the people telling me that im pretty are the people considered prettier then me by everyone except them selves? Why is it that the only reason i seem to be friends with the people im friends with is to make them look good?  Why is it I feel like an ugly duckling in a world of beauty queens? Why is it that some days I wake up not caring, and others i try to erase reality? what's the point? I hate it when people tell me im pretty. not like it makes me feel any prettier. is it supposed to?  i can't wait until i finish school. Then ill move out, and live alone. and probably distance myself from the rest of the world. and ill like it that way. and everytime i want love - ill remind myself of reality. maybe look in a mirror with no make up on to reinforce it.  and when im alone, with no friends, just with family, who love me because they have to, ill find a quiet place to live with my dozens of cats, maybe dogs too, and live there happily. because animals don't care what you look like. somewhere out in the country probably. far away from everyone. and ill come to the city once or twice a year - for dinner with my family. and eventually maybe ill forget the truth. and try again. and then remember. and be so depressed the second time round, that i crawl into a dark hole and cry. stop eating. i wonder if anyone will find me? if they don't itll be for the better. eventually ill crawl out. skin and bones. find something to eat. then crawl back in. metaphorically speaking. my head hurts. i feel bloated. my fiingers are cold. i have a headache. i just finished talking to someone who quite obviously is pathetically naive and try not to seem that way, or just wants to get rid of me. doesn't really matter. it doesn't both me all that much. my mom's calling me. i have to go do dishes. i think that the person i was talking to before went and told a bunch of other people that i thought i was ugly. i hate it they do that. too much fucking gossip. and then they all band together, thinking that they're gunna make me feel better. what a pathetic waste of time. my god. i wish they'd all find lives.

 

YAY! Finished my homework! Hallelujah! I was supposed to do it over the break, but then i figured ah what the hell, I'll do it at the last minute lol stupid eh? Alright, there's something I need y'all to do for me, whoever reads this journal, has to put a comment kk? I'm sorry I can't type in Russian because I don't have that font on my computer now, but I'll try to get it. Just a warning to all you sillies, my Russian SUCKS. SUCK SUCK SUCKS!!! lol... well it does! anyways, if i get enough comments, maybe I'll start writing everything down here, everyday, and give you something to read! surprise surprise! once in a lifetime offer people! my keeping a journal is NOT common!  but I understand if you don't... I mean why would anyone comment in my poor little journal... with only 2 thumbs up... *hint hint* lol, I'm just joking. Hey, if you want all the people you are going to comment (*ahem* i am just assuming that you ARE going to!) put your msn on there too and I'll add you and we'll be friends, and won't that be fun!

 

PS. I am so crazy hyper, cuz i juss finished my evil homework, do if this message seems a little weird it will selfdestruct in

 3

2

1

BOOM!

I am so confused... I don't understand why I even care.... Today I went to my parent's friends house, whose son happens to be a former crush of mine, strange isn't it? I got over him forever ago, but I didn't stop liking him, like as a friend... So me and Emily were there, and we did shit and talked to strange little Jewish boys (lol Emily), and then he came home, and started being all mad at me, and I don't even know why I care... Why can't I just say screw him and move on.... I thought it might be that I still like him, but see, here's the thing.... I kind of DON'T.... I guess before I was kind of mad at him for changing (I mean, you know poeple change over time), because he wasn't the same guy I had liked.... but then again, I don't know why I care about that either... It feels so weird... like I should KNOW something really obvious but I don't... like the sky being blue for example... It's like someone asls me what color the sky it, and I look up, but I don't see it... Like I'm color blind.... Really, sometimes I think something is seriously wrong with me...

В колонках играет - Tierra Marie- No Daddy Настроение сейчас - at peace... я всё таки поняла....
    Я так долго ждала любви...  и в один момент.... я поняла... что я любовь я некогда не найду... только если она меня найдёт.... у меня есть конечно фантазии про любовь... но сейчас об это безсмыслино думать... у меня её нету. Не лутше делать другим легче в место того чем думать о себе? Приятно мне делать другим хорошо...мож со мной что то не так? хихи... может быть....
    Я думаю что жизнь сильно короткая что бы тратить только на себя...
    Любви есть сильно много что бы её оставлять внутри... зачем?

Unrequited Love

    She appeared in the room, and noticing him, crawled into bed with his sleeping form. Absent mindedly his arm snaked around her waist as he pulled her closer, but when he realized what he was doing his eyes snapped open and he drew away. Looking at him with confusion and hurt in her eyes she tentatively inched closer to him, wanting his warmth. He relaxed as he remembered, settling down on the bed, his hand once again around her waist. She snuggled against his bare chest, feeling his warmth. He shivered as the bare skin of her arm touched his stomach. Burying his face in her hair her breathed her scent deeply. Ajdusting their positions so their foreheads touched and so they were facing eachother, they entangled themselves together. The happy tangle of arms and legs held each other close. Feeling his hot breath on her skin she lifted her face from his neck and they shared a passionate kiss, full of unfufilled longing. Once again they relaxed into their happy embrace. She wanted to stay this way forever, but she knew it would never happen. He wanted to stay this way forever, but he knew that in reality she didn't feel the same way. With an agonized gasp one disappeared from the other, and they both sat up, in their own beds. Cold, empty, and very

*~Alone.

A tear slid down her (his?) cheek...

"This can't go on..." , a whisper into the night.
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If I get any comments on this little thing (any POSITIVE comments) I might add another part to it. If not well then. Obviously. NO.
Если будут сомментарии (позитивные) тогда может даьовлю ещё что небуть.

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Для тех кому интересно- да, опять влюбилась....ёёёё... дура...

    Он что? Не понимает? он не понимает как мне от его......недавно была игра хокейа (россия и канада) и почти все русские в виннепеге туда пришли... он там тоже был... и вот в тот момент я на него была очень злая ... потому что он меня ещё когда то обозвал "smart ass bitch" . Ну вот, после того я сним не говорила, и на хокейи, в перерыве, моя подгуга его увидила и мя поташила туда... потом я от туда ушла... и потом не выдержала и пошла ему в тык дала... он извенился.... и конечно опять мне понравился.... но теперь об этом никто из друзей (кроме одной потому что она это прочитает) не будет об этом знать. вчера я с ним опять по МСН-у с ним болтала....ну и правда... иодиотизм...

    Сегодня день не очь... праснулась, позанималась музыкой (пиано), и почистила аквариум у рыбок. Потом Настя приехала, и мы в панике пробовали доделать гармонию (это часть музыки) ипотом побежали на урок. Мы почти зделали всё, но так получилось что сегодня не было урока. хех... продолжения идиотизма.... мряк... пришли домой и сели по смотреть фильм... смотрим и вдруг захотелось пойти посмотреть если он на МСНе (насти не мне), ну пошли, и потом насте захотелось прочитать о чём мы вчера говорили... я ей не дала... она разозлилось и поехала домой. Идиотизм. ну вот. хех.... я опять влюбилась и на мя злая подруга... хех...

Настроение сейчас - ...я не могу... я не знаю если я это выдержу.... мне так трудно... я не могу.... это уже было и я боюсь... я боюсь любви.... но всё равно... я не могу это остановить... я его люблю... и он любит её.... не меня... не когда меня... всегда её.... и они булут в месте.... всегда.... и я буду рада для него.... что он нашел любовь.... даже если я не часть этой любви.... это она.... только она... и сколько бы я не плакала это не изменится.... потому что он это не прочитает.... и он это не когда не будет знать... и даже как подруга... я ему не нравлюсь... в его словах я "smart ass bitch" и мне от этого так обидно.... потому что я его люблю.... у меня остались одни слёзы... ничего больше нет...

ну вот... сижу на компе в чужом доме...  притащили мя сюда родители... и главно не хоть куда.... а ктому про которого я написала давным давно...и ужас ужасов.... помойму я ы него опять в любляюсь.... ёёёёёёёёёёёё ..... у мя проблемы..... пошол бы урод куда по дальше......нннуууууууууууу..... мне хочетсья плакать..... какая ж я ДУРА......