В колонках играет - ночь...
Настроение сейчас - sometmes i think i should have never been born at all...

зачем это все? все эти дни, проведенные зря, вся ложь, все предательства? зачем, по сути, сама жизнь? как комок событий, которые нельзя изменить. клубок, который при попытке что-то исправить запутывается еще больше? и вот, после всех попыток сделать еще что-то хорошее, приходится наблюдать, как на клубок наматывается все больше и больше темных ниток, а все радужные остаются под ними, и скоро их не будет видно совсем?
почему, когда любишь, забываешь обо всем? а потом любовь уходит, и остается какое-то низменное презрение к самой себе, что когда-то могла любить и хотеть подобного человека?
почему, когда на тебя наплевать, больше всего хочется стоять на месте и подставлять плечи под поток грязи, которым тебя обливают, и при этом удовлетворенно улыбаться. и в который раз убеждать себя, что в мире есть много хороших людей, и что этот человек перед тобой - тот самый, от которого можно потерпеть и унижение, потому что "надо принимать людей такими, какие они есть"? смолчать. в конце-концов решиться. и бросить все это к чертям... а не получается, и самые убедительные доводы, которые представляешь себе, куда-то улетучиваются при одном виде того человека, и ты снова опять как щенок, который все возвращается к хозяину несмотря на постоянные пинки и пондачки...
а когда действительно хороший челоек в тебя влюбляеся и часа не может прожить без тебя, обязательно нужно отстранятся, уходить в себя, молчать, грустить, не отвечать на звонки, избегать присутствуя, и врать, врать, врать... чуствовать себя плохо оттого, что делаешь больно хорошему человеку, который пальцем тебя не тронет, не обидит и никому в обиду не даст... а вот никак. а потом бояться, что чем дольше общаешься, тем больнее будет когда-то расставаться. мы в ответе, за тех, кого приручили... умно сказано, а что с этим делать, если нет покоя ни тебе, ни ему, прирученному...
что же делать-то...

В колонках играет - Adriano Celentano. Ancora vivo.

Настроение сейчас - killed

sometimes fate plays on us her jokes we don't always understand. today this lady with a weird sense of humor played hers on me many times. too many for one day.
i was going to college this morning to the last exam (yeay me!) and i met my ex. funny, huh? not for me. we crossed the road, but he pretended not to notice me and turned the face away from me. nice. i started giggling...
then i got to the college building, and got my last grade (finally). then i had some free time, and we went to the pizza hut with my friends, and returned to the building in an hourto get yana's grade. it wasn't good (if only you could call 50 good...), poor thing... so we were waiting for a re-taking the exam the same day. we got comfortable on the window sill. i went to the restroom, and passing by the nearest room to our location, i saw my ex again. i started thinking the day wasn't lucky from the very morning. i just got more sure in that.
when i got back, he suddenly decided to go somewhere by me. he haaad to say "hey". then he returned back, by me again. i was probably giggling too loud.
after re-taking the exam, and finally getting my friends to go with me to a nice restaurant, we left college (till feb 4)!!! we were walking to the restaurant, when natasha took my hand and said i was gonna laugh to death. i noticed him again with my sidevision... what the hell was going on? i felt like he was following me everywhere today! spying on me...
what d'you think? he took the same turn as we did and sat downstairs at the restaurant to see me! what the heck....
so i was in his vision for that hour i was in the restaurant... then i left. and hurried home. especially cuz valerie said he was getting his stuff to go. damn it. i ran to the car.
natalie said it wasn't all of this story and said we just had to get into the same car... and this wasn't really the end! i was on my halfway home, when i got a message from him "where are you? are you still at the restaurant or did you already leave home?"... i answered (cuz i'm polite enough) "the second one".
i didn't get any response, so i calmed down and went home. i though it was all of this story. i was wrong...
he called my house. my brother said some guy asked me to pick up the phone.
-wassup, dasha?
-nothing much.
-did you have fun at the restaurant?
-yes.
-did you have an exam today?
-yeah.
-what was it?
-math.
-hard one?
-idk, i had it automatic.
-wow! it was kolesnichenko? you got an automatic grade from kolesnichenko?!
-yeah.
-well done!
-i know.
-when is the next exam?
-that's the last one.
-cool! than we should meet!
-why would that be?
-lets celebrate! whatcha doing tonight?
-i'm busy.
-with what?
-with a very important thing.
-when do u get outta that?
-late.
-ok, i got you. bye then.
-bye.
so that was a very strange day. first he ignors me, then says hello, then ignores again while spying. then he asks me out. must be thinking i'm a whore. well, i it's not the first time i tell him i am busy, and i guess not the last one. weird things like fate happen. damn this day. i am dying.

В колонках играет - On dit dans la rue.
Настроение сейчас - same one...

ok, lemme say something about what happened lately.
so, i still hate my ex, who i hear about literally at every corner.
so, i keep blowing off and dumping my current boyfriend, who is the sweetest guy and plus who can make a split (no kidding, he's a boxer).
so, i get shocked by the reaction i get from ppl when they see me in a short skirt - never gonna do that again (the driver was staring at my legs all the way up and winked at me, when i got out of the car 1 stop earlier for just not beeing the last person to get out).
so, i feel awful.
so, tell me smth good =9

В колонках играет - Le duel. Romeo et Juliette
Настроение сейчас - depressed

i'm so depressed... nothing helps. i'm just dying from being bored.
as i recently found out, i cannot live without having to do something urgent. i can't live without the necessity to work 24/7. some four of the days lately i have tons of free time. that is awesome! at the beginning of it. but in the next 15 minutes i feel like spitting into the ceiling. this feeling scks.
i feel like an idiot who has been punished by the need to stay inside and to stay out of trouble.
i'm gonna visit my lil sis, and she's a reaaal trouble. that's gonna be fun.
i need help, cuz i am ready to kill my boyfriend already, and i keep avoiding him. do you think it is normal - to avoid a person you like for 5 days?? my friends say it is not and kick me out for a date, being more happy than myself that i'm going out...
i need help from depression. or i gonna do smth to myself.

haven't been here in a while. a lot of stuff happened.
first of all, i'm a real student now, not the "abiturient" as the professors say. that's cuz i passed all the exams!!! yeah! i feel free...
so, i got 90 in chem, and that was so freaking out! i didnt expect it though. plus i got the passed in obzh, and an automatic grade in applied math! turned out that i'm a smartey.

alors, tout le monde est alle dormir... c'est juste moi, qui ne dort pas encore... dieu, j'ai besoin de mon cours de francais... j'en ai besoin. il me manque, comme une chose qui est deja devenue indispensable chaque jour pour que je reste calme.
depuis ma fenetre, je vois la neige froide. pas trop. je voudrais plus.
mais quel sense? je vais rester chez moi de meme, et je vais etudier la chimie stupide. j'attends les vacances d'hiver. ca viendra a la fin de janvier... et mon cher ira aux carpates sans moi.
j'attends la continuation du cours theatral. tous ce qui sont connus a l'academie, sont lies avec le theatre.

so the winter session started. i could not finish the msg cuz my computer went down. whatever. so the profs are going crazy and escaping us. the math one is hiding from me... i just got the first exam grade. well, im happy cuz it's an a... chemistry is coming up. i gonna blow it off...
oh, and as the spectr guy informed the two of us (he's just random... a friend of my ex who i don't know and who is not supposed to know me), has started with the first passing grades. its freaking me out. oh, that guy is weird. the junior...?
so, i gave my zachetka to a friend and i don't have to go to college tomorrow! yeah. relaxing feels good.

В колонках играет - tu dois te marier
Настроение сейчас - pretty much ok

friday nite was just stupid. my babe drinks too much, i guess, cuz he didnt remember it was friday and sent me home. so now, he's sad about that. well, who's his doctor, as one girl says... =)
i can talk to him about nothing for hours. i guess, he's too jealous, cuz when im going out somewhere, he's asking with whom and stuff like that... especially about boys... so now he's asking me to come by his house, and to go with him to the carpathians... =)
damn it, today it's a holiday again...
ok, happy holidays!

В колонках играет - la haine
Настроение сейчас - tired

the world is going crazy. well, im running in college (i did the math, yeah!). today my ex is coming up to me and asking when he could pass the class. i was shocked. as if i know better in my first year than he does in his fourth. and plus the fact that he does not talk to me (for like 2 months). so i am surprised.
oh, i met my actual boy at the entrance of his college building. he was glad. i wasn't. cuz its freezing freaking cold -15C. damn it! my brain freezes 2.
so, nothing much.
p.s. I got an "f" in math, but i still hope not to go to the exams... im cool, yeah?

В колонках играет - Verone, Romeo et Juliette
Настроение сейчас - happy

Life:) service sucks! I cannot talk to my new boyfriend for two days already. Fuck it! Today was just awesome, not taking to consideration the fact that I woke up a 4:30 a.m. and left for college, where I could not go. I had just one block (one-lifetime event!) and decided to go home. So I had a math class afterwards and slept and showered! So I'm clean and happy.

Фотографии oublie-moi :

alors, c'est just moi. pas de jugements, s'il vous plait. mais bien, comme vous voulez...

in college, i have 2 good friends. we r almost always together when in college. and there's also a junior guy from the french project too. he is considered to be the cutest boy in our college. we like making fun and spying on him. and two weeks ago here's what happened.
i was outside the classroom with the girls talking. that guy was right behind the corner with his friends. he was looking out around the corner like a hundred times. i started thinking that he was waiting for someone. then my ex-boyfriend, who is in the same class with the cutie, came by and i noticed a strange nodding to me.
the next day i got a text message.
-privet.
-hey. who is it?
-i hate doing that on the phone, but i also hate when ppl start saying: like guess and so on. sasha.
-what sasha.
-r.......
-so what do u want?
-to get acquainted. but ill understand if u dont wanna to.
-well, that's fine. where did u get my number?
-vova gave that to me. i had to work him for 2 days.
-ok, so u know that im dasha.
-yeah, but thats pretty much all that i know about u.
-what do u wanna know?
-we'll think it out.
-ok. whatever.
in the evening he mssged me again.
-im all alone downtown. so bored.
-is it an allusion for me to come?
-r u faraway?
-well, like 50 km now.
-ow. what do u do tomorrrow nite?
-im not going to college.
-at all???
-yeah.
-why not?
-busy.
-hm... what kind of stuff does such a gorgeous girl have in the college time?
-family stuff.
-ok! that changes all. =)
-in a good way?
-how do u think? yesss. so can we meet later? like friday?
-maybe.
so he did not appear the whole next day. soon i get these:
-so can we meet?
-i dont know. how many blocks do u have today?
-4 plus the rehearsal.
-ok, me too.
-can we meet after?
-we'll see.
after the rehearsal he had a great evening. the thing i dont get about that is why my ex who begged me on his knees, gave my numb er to him.

В колонках играет - silence
Настроение сейчас - ok

i dont know where it starts, but i feel i need to give smth out of myself if i dont wanna go crazy.
so, recently, i was in a relationship with a guy who dared to tell me that he just wanted a fling for a moment. i felt like a hooker. that sucks when someone thinks u r a hooker. whatever.
so i told him to go to hell, and now he does not talk to me when he sees me, which happens a lot (we r in the same college). well, at least he's a senior, and that he's not in my class.
but the fact cuz of what i was surprised is that... well, i'll tell u later about that. im just saying that sometimes ppl r jerks.
ok, i feel all better now.

im actually writing this for myself, so its not gonna be interesting for u. but u r free to read it.