Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul?

I know you... won't.

Иногда мне кажется, что лучшее, что у меня могло бы быть, я безнадежно проебала.

Наверное, так ангина с высокой температурой влияет. А может, целый выводок не пойми чего на моем лбу, который уже второй месяц не желает проходить...

Не знаю.

Я, конечно, стала сильнее за последние пару месяцев. Ощутимо.

Но все равно, нет-нет, а где-то в районе души начинает ныть старая дрянь.

Да и кому я вру.

Я не одиночка.

Мне нужна опора. Какой бы сильной я ни была.

А то ведь действительно... Однажды я перестану быть young and beautiful. Who will love me then?..

Воистину! Работа делает меня свободной. От ненужных посторонних мыслей.

Приплыла ко мне моя переводческая рутинная работа, и всё! Какие бы мысли меня ни посещали, голова занята другим, а значит, все отлично. Было, есть и будет.

Я обожаю свою работу.

Да уж, какой-то странный revival вышел.

Вроде бы столько всего можно написать. Писать о своих мыслях и думах, в принципе, можно бесконечно. Но что-то не пишется. Да так, что даже раздражает.

Ладно. Коротко суммирую неделю.

Массаж. Круто, конечно, понимать, что в результате спина будет ровненькой и кровообращение восстановится до стандартов, но бля, как же больно-то, а!!! Но ладно, справимся.

Работа. Пока не густеет. Неприятно, конечно, но я надеюсь, что загустеет. По крайней мере, я наконец-то счастлива зарабатывать деньги своей профессией переводчика. Это отличный источник эндорфина, друзья, если вы любите свое дело. Так что, когда работа есть, я самый счастливый на свете человек. А пока зависла в космо-состоянии в ожидании очередной порции счастья. :)

Дома. Хорошо. Напрягает только по утрам просыпаться. Какое-то странное состояние. Спать одной так неуютно, особенно после того, как полтора месяца поспал не один.

Книга. Aldous Huxley "Crome Yellow". Нравится. Интересно. Я пока в процессе чтения, поэтому ничего более определенного написать не могу. Но совершенно точно читаю ее не зря. Как и предыдущую, "Animal Farm" by G. Orwell (лучше поздно, чем никогда).

Музыка. В душе возродились Rage. И почему-то прочно соединились с весенним настроением. В метро - так вообще идеально. Но в метро лучше читать. Дома как-то сложнее читается.

А в целом, я довольна. Всем довольна. И да, не оставляю мыслей о возможности возрождения общения. Даже приснилось как-то. Да, впечатлительный я человек, и фантазия у меня богатая.

Well, what's done is done. Do I regret that there's nothing can be changed in my past? I would lie if I told you that. I want, I definetely want something to be changed. But no way. No possibility.
Yeah, that's right, we build our future today, right now. Every second is a lifetime. (c) And yep, it's all about positive thinking and positive worldview. I try. I'll do my best to reach this height. But...
Seems I have lost something very important, something that supported me last three years.
I lost my love.
I lost, what I thought, the love of my life.
But... Again and again.
I am mistaken.
This terrible accident with my right foot, which had happened to me for the second time, made everything clear to me. He is no man to support me. He is all about himself. Just himself and nobody else. He doesn't want to persevere through our difficulties.
All these 3 years he tried to escape. He left me, then I begged him to stay. And it happened again and again.
He is just not ready to live with me. Or maybe he is not my kind of man?..
He said I was a burden to him, that he wasted his youth on me. Did he have any right to say it? As if I had been torturing him all these 3 years! Not in the least.
I was tortured myself.
By my thoughts. And by my health during last 2 years.
And now... I've come to the point, I accept the truth. He is not created for me.
I am not destined to be with him.
He shows no respect for me, though we shared so many events and things.
There's nothing between us anymore.
I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. God knows it. I never loved anyone but him.
He thinks he is the ruler of our relations.
I'm sorry, boy, you're mistaken.
Now I feel I am free. I've let it die...
I still have numerous problems with my health but mentally I am perfectly free of him.
And I am finally glad.

I want no sex and no relationships involving sex. I want a good old boyfriend. Poison-free, hate-free, obsession-free.
And my mind brings me back to my sweet years of being with Igor. I am experienced enough to understand what was and is good in my life.
If only we could meet...

А в сущности, о чем я так страдала все эти годы?..

Looking back I see that almost everything in my past wasn't that bad as I treated it at that time. I was alright. Physically I almost had no problems. Just a few, but they didn't make me unhappy at all. I lived my life like I should have done it. Just a girl, with her drawbacks and virtues. Now I know. Everything was OK.

And what do I have now?.. I'm going through awful diseases, different medical men say things which contradict one another. There's no particular diagnosis. I have problems with abdominal cavity organs. I have problems in gynaecology. And no one knows what it is. Seems like it's a curse. No treatment - no cure. Desperation. I don't know what happens next. I am very much afraid.

I have Him. But since we've been together I've had a lot of problems with my health. And I am afraid that my unhealthy state and his presence in my life are somehow connected. HOW COULD IT BE????? The only man I love, the only person whom I believe. Is it that God doesn't want me to be together with that man? But, Father... With him I became a woman... And I thought it was forever... Our love. And now? Is it that I should be left alone forever? Is it that I have no right to happiness?

Oh God... I've wanted to have children. I've wanted Him to be the father of my children. Do you mean that I should give up thinking this way?..

I feel futility. Emptiness.

I suffer. Physically.

I feel pain and loneliness. Mentally.

Is it what I deserve?..

Help me, God. Please...

Простите мне неоригинальность и цитирование чужих песен целиком. Автор, надеюсь, всем известен... Просто задело, зацепило, разодрало старые раны и всё... Ребята, как же тошно жить такой, как я. :(

Here I stand all alone
Have my mind turned to stone
Have my heart filled up with ice
To avoid it's breakin' twice

Thanks to you, my dear old friend
But you can't help. This is the end
Of a tale that wasn't right
I will have no sleep tonight

In my heart, in my soul
I really hate to pay this toll
Should be strong, young and bold
But the only thing I feel is pain

It's alright, we'll stay friends
Trust in my confidence
And let's say it's just alright
You won't sleep alone tonight

In my heart, in my soul
I really hate to pay this toll
Should be strong, young and bold
But the only thing I feel is pain

In my heart, in my soul
Some guys cry you bought and sold
They've been strong, young and bold
And they say, play this song again...