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“The rain reminds me of him… how cold he was, how gloomy he made me feel, how much tears I shed because of him, how much damaged he caused… and how stupid I am for still wanting the… rain.”
It had been two lonely years since I last laid my eyes on him. Tears were clinging in my eyes as the rain continued to pour harder after every drop. I was in a closed room while waiting for the announcement that classes were suspended. I was sitting still on my chair and looking blankly outside the window while wondering how long he would be gone. Suddenly, I felt someone grasping my hand. That was when my consciousness returned. I looked up and saw the figure of a man with a rounded face, thick, black hair, expressive eyes and a slight sweet smile. He was calling me but I didn’t see his lips move. I blinked and as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw my friend shaking my left shoulder. I glimpsed at my other classmates who were yelling and shouting. They were already packing their things and preparing to go home.
“What’s gotten into you?” my friend asked.
“What’s happening?” I asked her.
“Didn’t you hear? Classes are already suspended.” She reported with a grin. “Come on! Pack your things and let’s head home.”
“Can’t we stay here for a while? I don’t feel like going home yet.” I begged.
“You have a problem, don’t you?” she noticed.
“How come she noticed that?” I thought while finding an excuse. “What made you say that?”
“You’ve been quiet since this morning."
“I’m just so restless today. Maybe, because of the weather.”
“Yeah, right! So, I think I shall leave you. I have a lot of things to do. See you tomorrow, if we’ll have classes.” She laughed.
Finding myself alone in the room, I stood up and arranged my locker. I glanced at the clock and it read 2:00 pm. “I guess I shall leave the school.” I got my things and went down the stairs. I put on my yellow jacket and opened my gray-colored umbrella. Before proceeding to the main gate, I looked up to see the opened umbrella. “Some things just keep on reminding me of you.” I constantly thought. I heaved a sigh and continued walking. The rain had not stopped yet since that morning. It just added to my depression. Last thing I knew, I was running down the memory lane.
I had known that boy since I entered high school. We were classmates then but we looked very strange to each other. Obviously, it was the first time I met him. I felt annoyed to him and I guessed he felt the same way, too. He had that first impression of a braggart. Well, my first impression was right. I knew it when we first had a conversation. At first, I thought he was not approachable. But when he came to me just to ask a question, I considered my thought wrong. We became friends though not close at all. (You know, he’s a kind of friend to whom you can talk to when you’re bored or agitated in life.) That’s what he was. But we didn’t share a lot of secrets. I wasn’t comfortable telling my secrets to someone I had not known for long. He was an easy-going type. Yes, he really was. He didn’t care much of problems or studies or anything else except his own life. His motto was, “This is my life not yours, so, mind your own business.” Well, every time he would say that line, I would feel a kind of hurt. I guess it’s not a big deal. After all, he knew what’s best for him and he would certainly do what he thought was best.
One day, it was raining very hard and classes were suspended as expected. My umbrella was broken and I couldn’t pursue going against the rain just to get home. But when the rain turned to small drops, I went out of the gate and tried to find a shed. I was walking along the street when it rained hard again. I didn’t notice that there was a tricycle coming along. When it was just a few meters away from me, an aggressive hand pulled my arm. I looked up and saw that guy seriously looking at my wet face. I stared at him for quite a while. I realized that we were under the branches of a huge sturdy Acacia tree. I eventually avoided his stare and looked down.
“Why don’t you have an umbrella and even a sweater? You already know that it’s a rainy season. Why didn’t you bring one?” he seriously asked.
“I have one but it’s broken.” I answered.
“Because you’re not careful. See, a tricycle almost hit you.” he said. “Look at yourself. You’re very wet.”
He got something from his pocket. It was a black handkerchief with his white printed name. I thought he was going to lend it to me so I spread my palm to get it. But then, I was surprised. He didn’t hand it to me. Instead, he laid it to my face and gently wiped the droplets of water. I stared at him but he didn’t seem to notice me. He just continued wiping my face and then my hair. I tried to refuse.
“I-I’ll just wipe it myself,” I shyly told him while dragging his hand off my hair. But, instead of pulling his hand off, he held my hand and forcefully turned me about face. He squeezed my hair and drained it as gently as he could.
“Do you have a comb?” he asked.
“Yes. Why?”
“May I borrow it?”
I handed it to him and he got it eventually. He did not comb his own hair but mine. I was really amazed for his good deeds that I let him continue combing my hair. After that, he took off his black jacket and wrapped it around my upper body.
“Going home?” he asked.
“Yes. But I think I can’t get there early with this kind of weather.”
“Maybe I can take you there.” He proposed.
“Don’t bother to take me home. I’m alright.”
“Who told you I’ll take you home? I said I’ll take you there. There…” He pointed to a shed where we could wait for a bus to ride on. “So, shall we go?”
Slightly disappointed with what he was pointing out, I still took his offer. He opened his gray-colored umbrella and shared it with me. He told me to stay on his left side so I would not meet any “accident”. I felt safe with his kindness and gentleness with matching braggart personality. We stood under the shed and patiently waited for a bus. We talked to each other to stand the waiting. Out of nowhere, I heard him say…
“You know, you’re blushing.” He commented.
“What? I am?” I thought shockingly.
“I like it when you blush. It looks good on you.” He honestly said. He looked at me again and I could feel my face turning redder. He gave a slight smile at the left corner of his lips and then turned away.
After 20 minutes, I finally saw a bus coming. I felt excited but a little hesitant. I didn’t want to go home yet because I still wanted to be with him. The vehicle parked in front of us and I thought, “This is it! I have to go…”
I turned to him for a last conversation. “So, I guess I shall go now.”
“Take this!” he ordered me while handling the umbrella.
“No…” I refused. “I can manage to go home without it.”
“Of course you can’t.” he said “Come on! Take this… before I change my mind.”
I got the umbrella form him and said, “How about you? How will you go home? The rain keeps on falling hard.”
“My house is just meters away from here. You need that more than I do.” He assured. “Get on!”
“Thank you.” I said. I turned my back on him and walked towards the door. Before I got on the vehicle, I turned to him to say, “Goodbye. Take care.” He just gestured a “yes” nod.
Days had passed so quick that I didn’t even notice that they had turned into months and later, a year. He and I grew into strangers again. It only meant that we became strangers to each other. We would rarely have a conversation and shared stories or jokes. Though we’re not that close, he was still the same old boastful and funny person I used to know. I could see him everyday but I still missed him and his jokes and gestures. This simple “missing” thing changed into something deeper. At first, it was only an admiration- a friendly crush. I admired him for being extraordinary, kind, caring, thoughtful and sweet in a subtle way. Everything was fine at first until... I “fell in his trap”.
It happened during my dark days. I was in an inevitable dilemma then. I was sitting quietly on my chair for the whole day. Nobody from my friends was brave enough to ask me about it. Suddenly, he appeared out of nowhere.
“What’s wrong?” he asked in a low voice.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” I lied.
“You can’t lie to me. I can see it in your face.” He said. “You don’t trust me, do you?”
My tears were already clinging in my eyes and surely, they wanted to come out. But I restrained them from running down my cheeks. It was not that I didn’t trust him. It’s just that I was afraid he would not understand my situation. He looked directly into my eyes and searched for an answer. I could perceive those eyes were full of concern, sincerity and sympathy. There was an assurance that he’s only there. I saw him getting a handkerchief from his pocket and gave it to me.
“If you don’t trust me, then trust my hankie. It will dry your tears.” He said and eventually left. My tears then fell in a rush and I wiped them with his hankie.
The bell rang and I hurried to get home. But then, I saw him standing under the waiting shed. I approached him but I moved a little farther. I was handling the hankie to him but he refused to get it from me.
“You give it back to me when you already trust me.” He said seriously.
“Why are you doing this to me? Why are you so kind and concern and thoughtful and…”
I didn’t have the chance to finish my statement because the rain suddenly poured. And as it showered down, tears came rolling down my cheeks. Instead of continuing my statement, I narrated the story behind those tears. After I had told him, he walked closer to me and got the handkerchief from my hand. He immediately wiped the flowing tears and gently kissed my forehead.
“Don’t worry. I’m just here for you. I will listen in everything you have to say. I will comfort you and console you. I’ll protect you and keep you safe. I’ll always be here if you need me. I promise…” he said as he pulled me closer and laid my head on his left shoulder. He caressed my hair and gently hugged me as sweet as he could.
That was the most touching moment with him. Never in my wildest illusions did I imagine that he cared so much for me. But I didn’t expect that much. Maybe it was because of my situation why he said that. It was not in his personality that he would comfort a “typical” girl like me.
But then, days passed and we were back to “normal” friends again. He would always ask me if I was doing fine and would also accompany me to the waiting shed. He would always greet me with a charming smile and a soft squeeze on my cheeks. He acted like there was no one in this world cared for me like he did. Sometimes, he would bring me somewhere just to cheer me up. Whenever I had problems, he would eventually know it without me telling him and he would simply crack a joke to make me feel alright. He was just so thoughtful and romantic. And that made me fall even harder. I was afraid I couldn’t control my feelings for him. That simple admiration grew deeper and it became worse when he told me those words.
“You know what…” he began as he took a closer and earnest look at me. “I like you…”
Those words sounded repeatedly in my ears and I felt a state of excitability as blood ran into my face. He noticed that again and he just smiled… that romantic smile. But then, some things were only misinterpreted. Some things would not really seem right if it’s totally wrong. And those were the worst that would hurt me.
“There is this girl that captured my heart and I think it will be a lot deeper.” He said as we were walking along the street and as tears were falling from the dark sky.
“And who’s this girl?” I asked thinking that I was the one he was talking about.
“Maybe she’s only somewhere here.” He said. That added to my thoughts that I was really the one. I felt kind of shy as I smiled and blushed. “And here comes that girl.”
I saw him approaching a girl with a long black hair, fair complexion and a pretty face. My thoughts vanished slowly as I saw the two of them walking together. He accompanied her until she had ridden on a bus. We were the only ones left. I could still see the glitter in his eyes even though she had left a few minutes ago. I swallowed a bit before starting a conversation. But, he spoke to me first.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she? Well, everyone in the campus knows that.” He said.
“How I wish you are pertaining to me.” I thought. “I thought you said you like me.” I whispered supposing he didn’t hear. But, I was surprised when he answered.
“Yes. I do like you.” He said.
“And…. you also like that girl?” I asked hesitantly.
“No. It’s different. I like you because you’re simple, attractive, intelligent, kind and sweet. I like her… but I don’t know why.” He explained.
“So… what do you mean?”
“I think…I think... I love her.” He revealed.
The moment I heard those words really gave me a reason to cry deep inside, though I didn’t make it obvious. “Oh, come on! Maybe that isn’t love. Maybe that’s just an infatuation or simple likeness. Don’t be carried away.”
“I don’t think so. Likeness is different from love.”
“But don’t you think likeness can lead to love?”
“Maybe that’s the reason why I love her.”
“I was not talking about her. I was talking about your feelings for me. Can’t it be turned to something deeper?” I thought. “Now I know...” A bus stopped in front of us and I hurriedly entered it. I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.
After that incident, he would rarely come closer to me. He would not do the things he used to do for me. I would then walk myself to the shed alone. Whenever I would ask him to accompany me, he would say that he had a lot of things to do and I should go home first. He wouldn’t bother asking me if I was fine or not. He would not talk to me as usual as he was doing before. He would frequently avoid me. All of those happened because of that girl-- that girl who ended my dreams.
He didn’t know how much pain he was causing me every time I would see them together. I was hurting deep down there-- my heart. I couldn’t tell about my feelings because it was just too difficult and I couldn’t earn the courage. Every night, I would cry myself to sleep. It was when I realized that I really had fallen in love with him. Though I felt that way, he never seemed to notice or maybe he just ignored it. Then and there, I thought, I misinterpreted his good deeds. I was so ambitious that I didn’t realize that they were all fantasies. Maybe what he really felt for me was just “pity”… because of my problems before. I hated it when it came to my realization. The more I was enlightened with the truth, the more I hurt myself, and the more my fantasies turned into reality. I ended up keeping the pain inside me. I didn’t want him to see me crying and breaking down. I didn’t want him to see I’m too weak. I knew he would just ignore my tears.
And then, one rainy evening…
I was running along the road without an umbrella or even a sweater. I forgot to bring the gray-colored umbrella he gave me so I was wet all over. Suddenly, someone chased me and grabbed my arm. It was him who was also wet.
“Look at us! We’re both wet. Where’s the umbrella?” he asked with a grin on his face.
“I forgot to bring it.” I said.
“There’s something I want you to know...” he started.
I looked at his eyes. There was something in them I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t explain. It was as if something would likely to happen. I prepared to accept his words though I wasn’t sure if I could take them wholeheartedly. I thought he noticed my expression because he just smiled. But that smile quickly faded away.
“I’m leaving…” He said.
“So? Get a ride!” I said without taking his words sincerely.
“Seriously! I’m leaving...” he insisted with a sad look from his eyes.
I knew right then that the word “leaving” was something that would be long and could possibly mean being gone... for a long... lost time.
“Leaving...” I whispered. “When? Where?”
“Maybe next week or next month. I’m not sure.”
I was astounded. “Why?” though I had that question in my mind, I didn’t manage to ask him personally. I swallowed. Tears came rushing down my face but he didn’t see them for what he saw were only droplets of rain. My tears were drowned with the pain and the raindrops. I wanted to yell at him for hurting me a lot. I wanted to blame him for that heartache. Though chances were visible in front of me, I didn’t take them.
“Are you crying?” he finally asked.
“M-me? Crying? O-of course not.” I lied
“Good! I don’t want to see you cry.” He smiled. “So, shall we go now to the shed? We’ll get sick here.”
He accompanied me to the shed. He did what he did before. He wiped my face and my hair, squeezed my hair and drained it. He combed it again like how he did it before. Because of his actions, I couldn’t control my tears. So, after he combed my hair, I hurried to the bus waiting in front of me. I was severely hurt and I couldn’t take the pain caused by his eyes, his hands, his smile, his voice, and his motions. The more I would stay with him, the more I would feel that heartache. Inside the bus, I sobbed. My days with him were already counted. Right then, I thought, “I’ll tell him what I feel before it’s too late…”
The next day, I persistently waited for him to find another chance to tell how much love I had. But then, the day ended and I found not even his shadow. I heard my friend saying that he had left. Everything suddenly turned dark to me. It was unexpected. I thought I heard him say next week or next month not tomorrow. How come he had left so fast? I waited under that same shed again with a hope in my heart that he would appear just to say goodbye. I cried with the rain. It had been more than an hour but still, I didn’t see him. I never managed to tell him about my feelings. It was too late.
He... was... gone.
But what hurt me more was that I didn’t even hear him say goodbye. I didn’t even know where he had gone, how long he would be gone and when he would come back... if he’s still coming back. My hopes were all shattered and there’s nothing left to me but the melancholy.
There was nothing... nothing to blame but my own foolish self. He had fooled me not only once or twice. He fooled me every time he would show that care and concern. He made me hope that far and expect that deep. My stupidity didn’t make me realize that I had fallen unfathomably that’s why I couldn’t fix things the way they were.
I was hurt so bad that my wounded heart didn’t know how long it would take to heal... I hope it would not be as long as forever, for I would rather die than suffer this pain.
It had been two years since I last laid my eyes on him. Two years was long for happy moments but for me it seemed like it was only yesterday. The rain would remind me all those moments I spent with him. But, at the same time, it would remind me how much grief he had caused. The rain was my companion. It cried with me. We shared laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, hopes and expectations, fantasies and reality. I had always wanted to see it pouring although my heart would refuse to view it because of the pain it would cause me.
I’ve always known that stories don’t always have a happy ending. My story has not ended yet. I still have to wait for its ending to start a new beginning again… a brighter and better one. Somewhere, some time, it will soon approach me. And if that story ends, I hope it is something I deserve… and he deserves.
LIFE LIKE ROSE.IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL,BUT SO SPINY..... =))))))
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