Is life always consits of love? or what place love takes in it? can person be happy without love? my life means nothing without this word. when it hapened? almost a year ago. since that time my life became devoted to thoughts about Him.
Today...really today on my ecology lesson i was reading sms, which i sent to Him in August...August 2007. far away time...year...is it too much time? what is 5 years? it is a great part of life. but what can change in life of a person who finds sense only in loving one man? in My life...
all mixes in head...dreams...this air of a country where He is...i remember it in me. i know it since February...and these memories can't let my soul go on here. smile? when was my last smile? or full hapiness? to devote all interests to Him, his country, my memories about it...yes, it is my own happiness and i won't let smb to take it from me. my words: "Life is the most beautiful thing, but it always tries to show me that it is not so"
What to believe? whom to believe? too many mouthes tell me that i shouldn't believe anybody. but how to love than? does it make sense that way?
i can't live always in fear that my dreams can be ruined in every second...just a word from Him..second word and...all is gone?!
Not to think about it...it is possible...but i feel that more time i'm not thinking about it, more pain i get in a second it all comes to my head.
Many little things collected together - a picture of Evil world where i'm completely lost...where i'm alone. where i'm so disgusting...how i hate myself in such moments.
i don't belong here. maybe childish...but more years pass more i feel that i don't belong...i belong to endless ways of road, where nobody is near me, because i have nobody more to trust. isn't it so?
Day by day i play games with my mind...doing a happy person from me...always believing in happy future. but what i see in it? now nothing, coz too afraid to create smth for myself...like a safe place in my heart and soul, where my mind can hide from connecting these little things together and seing emptiness...i shouldn't create such, because it can easily be taken from me and ruin me. Ruin me just as i am.
What is with me really? I can be different: too kind, too evil, sad, strong, dreaming, always staying in reality...i can't chose smth...only playing with myself.
Hurting Him because of my own fear to loose Him. nice way.
Today...i felt like everything comes back in me..i forget step by step about all this pain, all these little words He told, trying not to collect them in mind...but a mistake...and i fall...
