What would you think or do to me if you all knew that you had become skeletons in my closet? First thing is your astonishment, second is fury, whats then?

No one would think how difficult it comes to me. I had so many various plans to celebrate new year, and who i'll do it with, but all them've destroyed. First, I thought you, my first  and the last admirable friend, would take me to your country cottage. I even had a plan (there's no sense in making plans really - its just my most harmful habit), discribing the course of our relations, but i suppose it was the first and the last time I was literally drunk with love to you, and it spoilt everything. I got so crazy that i started to look like the most faithfull and stupid woman, so it doesnt allow you to respect and adore her, it just let you leave her with clear conscience. Who needs a woman, that'll never leave you... i think maybe it was not a love with a capital letter, but a chemistry, a dream, but you were like a bottle of whisky for me - i couldnt take my lips off you.

Second plan for my new year celebration: you were strange but pretty, smart and good at some things, but you ( this time vice versa) was madly in love with me, and at the same time we spoke to each other, but did not hear what, did not understand each other, like we'd come from different planets. So there was a proposal made, a number of swearings in infinite love, marriage, children, and me moving out of my flat, changing the residence... This time I escaped from a lover. The gone bride.

Third and the most dull one. Never thought there's such a mixture of personalities:1) never thought i could like a man that is so much like my brother - just a psychological clone, 2) you were an embodyment of my sacred dream - a man of Mr. D. with a fine pair of  perfectly round glasses, who considered himself as a part of new intelligentsia 3) you were the most dull mistake, which made my hormones show off... and again I believed in a fairytale new year celebrating, aimed to buy a new cocktail dress, a good number of gifts, but everything's collapsed. Now I feel nothing. Now I  feel to have been a one-day toy and that I have been played with too much. These three men are not an exhausted list of my failures, but a small and the most recent part of it.

I am wondering if its really so difficult to find a person who'll adore you, who will be adored by you, who'll be smart and purposeful and wealthy, who'll have lots of interests to share with, who wont look down at you and at anybody else, who'll trust and respect you, who wont deceive you... a  man, who wont limit you freedom and at the same time a man you want your freedom to be limited by...