-Подписка по e-mail

 

 -Поиск по дневнику

Поиск сообщений в angryrat

 -Сообщества

Участник сообществ (Всего в списке: 4) Любовь-это Девичьи_секретики Репортажи_Лиру Learning_English
Читатель сообществ (Всего в списке: 3) Любовь-это Репортажи_Лиру WiseAdvice

 -Статистика

Статистика LiveInternet.ru: показано количество хитов и посетителей
Создан: 19.12.2006
Записей:
Комментариев:
Написано: 6213






- // -

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 23:00 + в цитатник
Хороший способ борьбы с гопотью придумали британцы. Способ очень простой. Они включили в подземных переходах трансляцию классической музыки, в результате подросткам стало западло тусоваться в них и совершать разные противоправные поступки. На стенах стало меньше граффити, а в переходах стало более безопасно.
Наверное, стоит перенять такой способ. Если вас задолбала гопота на лавочках с пивом и полуночным ржанием, выставляешь в окно колонки с качественной классикой, и у них резко пропадает желание тусоваться. Главное, не переборщить, чтобы соседи вам морду не набили. :)
alexderev



Процитировано 1 раз

Car Lovers

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 14:14 + в цитатник

Deaf Bookeeper

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 14:01 + в цитатник
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Wally's wedding night

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 13:55 + в цитатник
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding
she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected
'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85
year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond
goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I
was here already?'



Процитировано 1 раз

Ducks in Heaven

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 12:28 + в цитатник
Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.



Процитировано 1 раз

Курицы...

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 12:23 + в цитатник

Забавные)

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 12:20 + в цитатник



Процитировано 1 раз

Irish Understanding of Life, Death and Heaven

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 12:14 + в цитатник
How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out "YUV GOTTA BE FooKN' DEAD

Admiring our work

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 12:04 + в цитатник
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

Mental disorder?

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 12:03 + в цитатник



Процитировано 1 раз

Weight loss programme

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 11:56 + в цитатник
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs., as
promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me.' Well, he's out the door after her
like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with
him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight
on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost
another 20 lbs., as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I
haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass
is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.



Процитировано 2 раз

Не повторяйте)

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 11:46 + в цитатник



Процитировано 1 раз

- // -

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 00:21 + в цитатник
"Геи ничего не боятся. Самое страшное у них уже было."
pimenov

- // -

Среда, 12 Августа 2009 г. 00:20 + в цитатник
"Идея (создания народных дружин по охране порядка из числа "неблагополучной" молодежи), как я считаю, просто изумительная. Только неблагополучным подросткам нужно еще раздать боевые пистолеты, бейсбольные биты и железные пруты, после чего разрешить изымать деньги у тех прохожих, которые не смогут предъявить едросовский партбилет. Изъятые деньги частично отдавать государству в качестве насильственно поступивших налогов, а другую часть использовать на покупку вооружения и политинформации о руководящей роли ясный хрен какой партии."
Алекс Экслер

- // -

Воскресенье, 02 Августа 2009 г. 19:57 + в цитатник
Нельзя считать себя достаточно взрослым, если у тебя школьные фотографии - цифровые...

Действительно, лучший друг человека - собака. Не верите? Попробуйте такой эксперимент: закройте в багажнике машины вместе собаку и свою жену. Через часок-другой откройте. Кто, по-вашему, вам больше обрадуется?

Продюсер говорит с молодым исполнителем:
- Вчера жене обещал, что назову в ее честь звезду. Так что, Сергей, поздравляю - ты станешь звездой. И звать тебя будут Анжела.

Dog biscuits!

Среда, 29 Июля 2009 г. 13:45 + в цитатник

Fun summer job

Среда, 29 Июля 2009 г. 13:44 + в цитатник

Call before you dig!

Среда, 29 Июля 2009 г. 13:42 + в цитатник
You may or may not know about your local laws requiring
You call for utility locating before you do any excavation.


The pictures below are a result of a farmer using a post hole
Digger without calling for "locates" and he hit an underground,
High-pressure cross country gas pipe.

They never did find the guy???. Took out 2 homes.


Getting a hairdryer through customs...

Среда, 29 Июля 2009 г. 13:37 + в цитатник
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Finally together

Среда, 29 Июля 2009 г. 11:59 + в цитатник
LORD
THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER

Jane got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Jane again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Jane finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:
"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."


Поиск сообщений в angryrat
Страницы: 56 55 [54] 53 52 ..
.. 1 Календарь