IN PURE RUSSIAN, ENGLISH AND CHINESE, OR DEFEAT OF DENNY CRANE`S RIOT
GREAT PATRIOTIC WORD
The Russian father and son in a tram. Son exclaimes: Wow! A horse! Farther: Don't let me hear another American exclamation out of you! Speak Russian! Son: Blya!* The horse!
*Blya! originates from the formally tabooed Russian word blyad` (whore!), but the young and old alike extensively use it in Russia and in the territory of the former Soviet Union. It came from the Old Slavonic language. It`s very funny and is rarely used as a contumely in its full form (blyad`) and never used for that purpose in its abridged, colloquial form (blya). The polite Russian equivalent of `Wow!` is the exclamation `Ookh ti!` But `Blya! never dies! The common rule is, you are free to say this word in company of men if you`re a man, in company of women if you`re a woman, in company of teenagers if you`re a teenager … or if you`re in a traffic accident.
Traffic accident, the howl of despair and heartrending cries: `To where, to where? Blyad`!`Blyad`!`https://youtu.be/cZwiJerOekQ
Husbands and wives can use it in their conversation in absenсe of children. But it`s in theory, `cuz in real life this universal, multi-purpose exclamation is used in all families. If a foolish child uses it in presenсe of the unfamiliar people, all are laughing, after that the blushed parents used to explain: `We don`t know from where our child heard this word! Maybe, he did it in his ... kindergarten, from other children`. (The question is where the other children heard it from?).
Hearing this explanation everybody is nodding leerily. The drunk persons can use it more freely, but they usually use more sophisticated and proportionally more tabooed phrases like that: `Blya budu nahui!` It`s an extended exclamation, it has no definite meaning, though literally it means `I`ll be a whore on one`s penis if I … !` Now let`s fix this lesson by examples from the real life of Russia, let`s see the way the word `blyad` and its derivative exlamation `blya!` work, study its, so to say, usage.
A teenager learned from somewhere that the Russian marines and paras (paratroopers) allegedly had got a habit of breaking bottles over their own heads and tried to repeat it. Fortunately, he stopped in time, he felt himself silly in company of laughing boys of the same age who ironically commented: `Look at this man of airborne troops!`In his turn, he kept saying feeling pain: `Ai, blya!` Everything`s good that ends good! Boys, blya! https://youtu.be/1dmq2CAcs4Y
PERSONAL DISCOVERY
- Yesterday I skydived for the first time!
- What did you feel?
- I knew whence the adrenaline oozed out!
Russian teacher is teaching English in a Chinese school. Sometimes she`s using Russian word `Blya!` and is teaching the class to pronounce it! Wow! (Exuse me, blya!) https://youtu.be/usFapHVW2E8
This video was responsed in many ways in Russia, it left much room both for delight and indignation. My response is just laughter!
Firstly, she really teaches children to speak English.
Secondly, he must be severely underpaid in China, she`s sick and tired.
Thirdly, owing to her the Russian word of `Blya!` is becoming international like English word `Wow!`.
Fourthly, children feel fine and relaxed.
Summing up. Hands off this Russian teacher, blya! Leave her alone, blya! If you`re so moral, so `child-liking`, go and replace her in China. China needs good teachers, blya! `Judge not that ye be not judged!` Besides, she seems to be wanting to be fired off! But she can`t manage it! Those cunning Chinese, however, saw through her game.
Candice Bergen in the `Boston Legal`
Do you remember final episodes of the American TV serial `Boston Legal`? The character of Candice Bergen asks the Chinese partners of the company `Crane, Poole & Schmidt` to remove her name (Schmidt) from the header of company, but they act vice versa because they knew that she wanted it badly.
Denny Crane (Actor William Shatner)
As to Denny Crane, he wanted to have his name left, but they replaced his name in the header to the name of Chinese businessman Chang
Zhu Chang, a powerful Chinese attorney & investor.
And since then its header has been `Chang, Poole & Schmidt`. Denny also wanted to be fired! But in vain!
Denny`s Riot: Denny shoots Zhu and company with two paintball guns.
The stratagem thinking. Learn 36 Chinese stratagems! Or else there is no difference between you and that Russian English teacher who taught the Chinese say `Blya!` But telling lies be brief! All stratagems are brief, aren`t I right, the Chinese? Billions of people said as one: `Ye-e-es! Blya!`
MINISKIRT, YOUNG GRANNY AND LA DOLCE VITA!
Wow! Pardon! Blya! (An example of the modern Russian political photo satire depicting the Captain-in-Chief of all Russia`s military industrial complex Dmitry Rogozin and Supermegadiva of American and International showbiz Madonna). Well, there`s no business like show business! IMHO, showbiz won by one to nil!
To Madonna MY GRANNY AND HER MINISKIRT
My granny wears a miniskirt
It`s overknee to a great extent.
My granny wears a miniskirt
From the year one, I can swear!
My granny wears a miniskirt
And it makes our family laugh.
My granny wears a miniskirt
Despite this she refuses to cough!
My granny wears a miniskirt
It`s of pink crêpe de Chine.
My granny wears a miniskirt
Once it helped her pick up Jiang Jieshi.*
My granny paints her lips
She drinks more than me.
My granny wears a miniskirt
And she always feels free.
My granny`s on the stiletto heels,
She could have broken her legs, yet she`s on top.
My granny`s still in love with late Graham Greene.**
It`s with him that she danced the foxtrots.
My granny had a facelift made
And it had its effect.
She became the Playboy`s poppet maiden
And a face of the famous trade brand. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
*Jiang Jieshi (Chiang Kai-shek, 蔣介石) (1887 - 1975) was a 20th-century Chinese political and military leader, an influential member of the Guomindang, the Chinese Nationalist Party, and was a close ally of Sun Yat-sen. After 1949 Jiang Jieshi 's government and army retreated to Taiwan. Chiang had been ruling the island securely as President of the Republic of China for 22 years.
**Henry Graham Greene (1904 - 1991) was an oustanding British gentleman, spy, writer, playwright and literary critic. His novels explored the ambivalent moral and political issues of the modern world. Greene was noted for his ability to combine serious literary acclaim with widespread popularity.
SLOGANS: OUR MAJOR OBLIGATION IS NOT TO MISTAKE SLOGANS FOR SOLUTIONS
Write your blog in all situations!
DRINK, SMOKE, FUCK
If you do not drink and swear, then you don`t take interest in the latest news of your country and the world.
Secret of harmony: Love all, trust few, abuse none!
BE REALISTIC
Save your time, get disappointed in people at once!
BLONDES, BLONDES, BLONDES!
A BLONDE AND INTERCOM
A blonde is calling an intercom:
`Who`s there?` she`s being asked.
- Oi, it is me, Tatyana, don`t you see me, Tom?
Are you at home? If so, open fast.
The dude`s been merely perplexed.
As well as by her inquiry bepuzzled:
`No, shit, I have just flown away
On business trip to City of Chicago!`
- How long will you`ve been over there?
Is that Chikaka placed in Poland?
- I`ll have been spending for a year
In that remote place near Holland.
`It is so sorry! Missing you I am upset.
But you can`t help it. Nor can I.
Well, darling, try be back A.S.A.P.
I wish you have a pleasant flight!` (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
You think I hate blondes? Nope, I`m a blonde myself. My IQ is 26. I assure you many funny stories about blondes are truthful, but they do not have anything to do with them, they`re exclusively about me! By the way, sometimes I cannot understand the punch line of funny stories! Oh, yeah! People have to explain me. It`s funny by itself and so I never spoil parties. Once pupils of our class (in a grammar school) went to peep at ladies` legs from beneath of the partly broken boarded platform of the provincial railway station. The trackwalker noticed them and knowingly inquired: `I see, you`re waiting for express! Good luck!` When I was told that story from real life, I could not grasp the meaning, what `express`, why `express`? All school tried to explain me this, but in vain. A month later I understood that the trackwalker had meant an express train! Train, blya!
THINKING BIG OR MENTAL INSANITY?
If someone cries `Fire!` or `Murder!` there`s a good reason for calling firefighting brigade or police. But if one cries `Galaxy is in danger!` there`s an ambulance on the spot, and you are taken to asylum.
OPTICAL ILLUSION
Whom to believe? Pushed the door `Gents`, but found only the loo!
NO BLACK, BLONDE ONLY!
Hurra! The scientific term of the `black hole` was replaced with `Afro-Hole`! We`ve won!
WHAT IF A GRANDFATHER WERE A GRANDMOTHER?
Hey, man! Why are you getting so insisting?
In front of you I`m feeling great anxiety.
Agree, agree! We`ve split a bottle of Martini!
But `Introductions` and `Personals` are varieties.
Why are you getting so nervous, I demand?
These days what does it mean? Three drinks of brotherhood!
You told me something of your first space flight.
Remember me to the marines! Hey, Dude!*
You say, I touched your perineum with my big toe?
It`s from your trousers that I was taking out stains of mayonnaise!
I did it under table, not in the Colosseum, after all,
The heavy petting meant no marriage, triple `Nay`!
It`s just for fun that I`d brought you to my refuge
By force! I`d played a shabby trick, I`m sorry!
The fact that I am lying by your side being in the nude
Is nude, of course! Damn all! I might have had my hobby! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
RELIGION: GOD MAY BE SOPHISTICATED, BUT HE`S NOT MALICIOUS
Beatles - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. The Transformed Man, actor William Shatner's debut album released in 1968, contained Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (5th track).https://youtu.be/xxaOItEmu3U
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, OR THE OLD RULES STILL STAND
A monk is reproaching God for being merciless. God is asking:
- Who fucked the lady parisher in the church`s orchard yesterday?
Monk in reply: It's the devil's work, my Lord!
God`s asking the Prince of Darkness: Is it really your work, Lucy-in-the-the-sky-with-diamonds?
Lucifer`s answering: I see that guy for the first time!
God`s typing in the database: A new sin, talking slanderously about Satan.
NO SINS, NO REPENTANCE
I prayed and asked God to grant me with a bycicle. But in vain. Did I get disappointed in God, eh? Nope! I stole a bycicle and began to pray God to forgive me as a sinner. That`s how it sometimes works!
Happiness is a pleasure without remorse!
SEMANTIC CONFUSION
The priest: I`m consecrating this chariot in the name of ….
Young criminal: How have you called her? Don`t you see that she`s a new `Boomer` (`BMW` in the Russian slang)?
WHAT RELIGIOUS TABOO ARE FOR?
The airplane of an Israeli company was flying from Jerusalem to Verona. The passengers were mainly religious, orthodox Jews. Their children ran, shouted and disturbed the passengers and none could stop them. Then a young lady stood up in the passage and took off her blouse so that her tits could be seen. Silence! The Jews caught their children to close their eyes. But there were still young rioters … And then the lady threatened to take off her jeans! After that everything was all right!
INTELLIGENCE + SCIENCE = LOVE !
I`m Enstein in Love (from the 12th episode of the Russian TV Serial `17 instants of spring`. https://youtu.be/97y7qQgSZNo Dialogue of Otto Max von Stierlitz with a drunken Swiss lady mathematician who is interfering with his meeting with his connection in Bern, Switzerland: Voice-over: Herr Stierlitz noticed his connection long ago, but he couldn`t seem to get rid of a drunken young lady who had been chasing him since the moment he entered this place. A young lady(Actress Inna Uliyanova): You must listen and trust me! When they describe us, the mathematicians as the dried-up people, never believe it! Outrageous lie! Lie!!! Personally, I am Einstein of love! I gonna confess you just one thing, I wanna be with you, Sir! O.M. von Stierlitz (Actor Slava Tikhonov) : Fine! Get outside, my dear! I am to follow you soon. A young lady: No kidding, really? O.M. von Stierlitz: Nope! A young lady: I`m on my way. On my way! (A little bit later) Can you swear it? O.M. von Stierlitz:Cross my heart and hope to die! Now go and draw a pair of formulae! A young lady: Of course, I do! O.M. von Stierlitz: But be quick!
HELLO, STRANGER!
Do you know that Galileo spent his wedding night reading the book and was very astonished at finding out a strange girl in his bed. Galileo asked: `Who you, blya?` The girl answered: `I`m not a whore anymore, now I`m your wife!`
Galileo Galilei (1564 - 1642) with book and Theodore Mommsen (1817 - 1903) and his spectacles.
WHO YOU, KIND GIRL?
Once great German historian Theodore Mommsen couldn`t find his spectacles. A little girl who found his spectacles was asked by him: `What`s your name? `My name is Anna Mommsen!` answered the girl and added: `Blya!`. The scholar could not remember his own daughter. Alzheimer? Oh, no! Normal absent-mindedness!
According to the script of the TV serial Denny Crane allegedly revealed some signs either of Alzheimer or Cow mad diseases though in reality he was absolutely normal, but getting old. Getting old is no disease. Simply, his best days were behind, but he did not wish to recognise it and got his jollies as if he was much younger. He loved life and people. He was a man of his country and time. A good old man!
EDUCATION: IN THE FIRST PLACE, GOD MADE IDIOTS, THEN HE MADE SCHOOL BOARDS
THE DREAM OF LIFE
Lectures would be more appropriate if one could attend them smoking Cuban cigars, drinking French cognac and from time to time exclaiming: `What rubbish, blya!`
Jesus to America and Russia: `Girls, do not quarrel, blya!`
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
A little boy sitting in the loo asks his mother:
- Mom, what human beings are for?
Mother:
- For feeding mosquitos, I s`pose!
MIND HAS LITTLE TO DO WITH CALCULATIONS
- Just fancy that you`ve got ten apples, I asked you to give me two, how many will you have got?
- Ten, `cuz I won`t give you anything.
- What if a stranger will punch you and take two apples … How many …
- Ten apples and one corpse.
LIMITED VOCABULARY
Two six-year old girls:
- Just fancy, I`ve found a condom in my daddy`s purse!
- Wow! What does the word `purse` mean?
Nuptial benediction for the gay people. Price 3,700 roubles.
GENDER PARADOX
- Mommy, who are transvestites?
- I don`t know. You`d better go and ask Uncle Natasha!
SPEED OF LIGHT AND EARS Professor: What`s quicker, sound or light? Student: Light! Professor: Give proof of this! Student: When I switch on the radio, I see light first, then I hear the sound. Professor: Get out! (To another student) Professor: What`s quicker, sound or light? Student: Sound! Because when I switch on my TV set I hear sound first. Professor: Get out! (To the third student) Professor: Imagine you`re standing on top of mountain and see a cannon. Boom! What would you register first, flame or boom? Student: A flame! Professor: Why is it so? Student: Because eyes are in front of ears! Ears are farther, Sir!
NO FUTURE! NO FUTURE! Teacher: You ought to understand that if you learn good you get to Heaven, otherwise you`ll get to Hell! A voice from class: Who will remain alive then?
SEX, LOVE, REPRODUCTION AND DEATH
SEXUAL EQUATION
Bill wanted a candy very much, but he gave it to Lucy, because he wanted Lucy more than the candy.
Driver! Watch the places where children appear from!
ALL WIVES ARE COMMUNAL
- Yesterday I fucked your wife, dude!
- Lucky you`re! I had to wait more than three hours before it was my turn to fuck yours.
Who said that women were heartless?
WHAT`S WHAT, WHERE`S WHERE
- Hi, dear? Where are you?
- At home. Going to bed. Where are you?
- I`m here, in the bar, right behind you!
Children are sleeping. Garnish the silencer!
NATIONAL DISTINCTIONS
On the beach in Russia. Naked Ukranian boy and Russian girl. She`s looking at his body with interest, then concludes: `Never expected before that Ukranians and the Russian are so different!`
KABALE UND LIEBE (CABALS AND LOVE)
In the lift (elevator). Wife, husband, a girl. The girl`s screaming: `Bastard! He pawed me in presence of his wife!` Husband to wife: `I haven`t done anything, I swear!` Wife: Take it easy! It`s me who felt her up a little bit!
Great is the gift
Of a samurai`s wife.
She presents him with bright stars in the night
In one stroke of her rolling pin!
はるみの三度笠/カラオケ Miyako Harumi-san-no Sando Gasa KARAOKE of the original extended show! https://youtu.be/A6Gz2_sPZus
TRAUMATIC EPIDEMIC
Hospital. Doc`s examining the injured, all have heads hit with something heavy. He`s asking: What have you been hit with?
The patients in chorus: With a rolling pin!
Doc: Oh, I see. Traumatic epidemic!
Patients: No! That guy in the corner had been losing himself in the crowd while escaping from his wife!
FAREWELL TO THE WHITE AND JAPANESE Dynosaur: Gimme! Dynosaurine: Nope! Dynosaur: Gimme, or else we have extincted! Dynosaurine: Nope!
And they extincted!!! Blya!!!
LET THEM BETTER WORK THAN FUCK
An immigrant from Somalia came to Germany. He stopped the first person to say: `I`m grateful to German people for mercy, asylum, food, …!`But the pedestrian said:`I am not German, I`m from Afganistan!` Then Somali met another person and repeated his thanks, but that pedestrian said that he was an Iraqui. Then followed Pakistani, Indians, etc. Bepuzzled, Somali asked: `Where are Germans then?` And was answered: `This time they all work!`
POSITIVELY SLIM
What`s the ideal weight of a mother-in-law?
Two kilogrammes brutto (with urn).
Signboard: FUNERAL - SALE ON CREDIT!
DEATH MUST BE PRICEY
The best way of lowering of the death rate is to increase the price of burial.
When Fantie (I mean Fantomas) took off his mask, there occurred to be just Denny Crane under it. He was kidding! We must forgive him this caprice of a big child (caprice d'enfant)!
