Tired... Hell knows how I'm fucking tired... It's like I'm a teenager again...- the one and alone... It's like an abyss of solitude... I would rather commit some quick suicide and forget it all at once... It's not only becase of my mum... I feel I lose her... I lose my MUM, but instead I still know one person who used to be my mum, and who's now - too busy and too self-busy to carry out any mothering duties...She'd rather I lived somewhere happily with my rich husband and visited her once in a while to show her grandkids... Till these future prospects come true she wishes to keep clear... and it's OK...
It's not because of R... I don't want to push him any more... and it's also fabulously OK... His family is going through some bad times... My dreams, what are they comparing to his reality? It's OK, I say... Let it be... Crossing out your dreams you steal any sense from your present... I do... I see no dreams... only crashed ones... And I'm a dead deal tired to cook up any new ones...