“Divorciado, en realidad. Nunca pude encontrar a una mujer con la que no tenga peleas todo el tiempo”

“¿Qué? ¡Eso es imposible!” exclama el viajero, pero el lugareño le asegura con certeza que es la verdad.
 
El viajero siente que debe corroborar la  historia. Así que se dirige al lugar donde vivía esta pareja y al llegar, es recibido por un hombre, quien le invita una taza de té. Charlan tranquilamente y el viajero le explica la historia... el hombre asiente con una sonrisa.

“Bien”, dice el anciano, “Todo comenzó unos 60 años atrás, justo después de nuestra boda. Estábamos montando una mula de regreso al pueblo. Cuando el animal se tropezó con una roca, mi esposa le dijo “esta es la primera”.

Continuamos montando, hasta que la mula volvió a tropezar y mi esposa inmediatamente le dijo “esta es la segunda”.

Dos minutos más tarde, el animal tropieza una vez más con una roca, entonces mi esposa dijo “esta es la tercera”, sacó un revólver que nunca supe que tenía y le disparó en la cabeza sin pensarlo dos veces. Yo quedé perplejo y le grite “¿Qué diablos crees que estás haciendo? Necesitábamos esa mula, ¿Estás loca?”

En ese momento, mi esposa me miró directo a los ojos con cara de enfado y me dijo: “Esta es la primera”.
 
"Desde ese entonces, nunca más volvimos a tener una pelea."

Imágenes: depositphotos.com

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.

They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. 

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

John and his wife are getting ready for bed.

John y su esposa se están preparando para la cama. 

The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love," she says,

"¿Sabes mi amor?", dice,

"I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.

My face is all wrinkled,

Mi rostro está arrugado,

my boobs are barely above my waist

mis tetas apenas llegan 

and my bum is hanging out a mile.

 a la cintura y el trasero me cuelga.

I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.

 Tengo las piernas gordas y mis brazos están flácidos

" She turns to John and says,

". Se vuelve hacia John y le dice:

"Tell me something positive

to make me feel better about myself." 

  "Dime algo positivo para que me sienta mejor conmigo misma".

He thinks about it for a bit

and then says in a soft voice. . . .

 Lo piensa un poco y luego dice en voz baja. . .

"Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

When God created the dog, he said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years." 

The dog replied: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
 

And God saw that it was good.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man answers it,

engaging the loudspeaker function as he does so.

Suena un teléfono móvil en un banco y un hombre lo responde,

activando la función de altavoz mientras lo hace.

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Первая жена тщательно прибралась в доме: помыла полы, окна, вытерла везде пыль и приготовила изумительный ужин. Едва держась на ногах, она открыла дверь мужу, когда он позвонил. После приветственных объятий и поцелуев, она проводила его за стол.

Erste Frau sorgfältig aufräumen das Haus: wusch die Fußböden, Fenster, wischte Staub überall und kochte ein erstaunliches Abendessen. Kaum in der Lage zu stehen, öffnete sie die Tür zu ihrem Mann, als er genannt. Nach der Begrüßung Umarmungen und Küsse, sie folgte ihm auf den Tisch.

«Спасибо, любимая, ты меня так балуешь! Я наелся на год вперед!» — сладко зевая, изрек насытившийся муж.

«Ну что? Поели, а теперь — пора прилечь отдохнуть! Как же я устаааал…», — промямлил муж, а замечательная жена, утомленно вздохнув в унисон засыпающему супругу, поплелась мыть грязную посуду.

Вторая жена поступила диаметрально противоположно.

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Немного прибрав в доме, она приняла расслабляющую ванну, надела любимый шелковый халатик, включила романтическую музыку и прилегла на кровать с умной книжкой. Когда она, сверкая глазами и посвежевшим лицом, встретила долгожданного мужа, он тут же, не раздумывая, прыгнул к ней в кровать.

«Как же я устала!» — проговорила она после головокружительного с*кса, — «как же мне теперь идти на кухню и готовить нам ужин?»

„Wie bin ich müde!“ - sagte sie nach einer verwirrenden * Sex - „wie soll ich in die Küche gehen, zu gehen und uns das Abendessen kochen“

«А пойдем-ка в ресторан!», — услышала она в ответ.

„Und lassen Sie sich ins Restaurant gehen!“ - sie als Antwort zu hören.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Tras superar el choque inicial, se dijo a sí mismo: "¡Ah, amor joven ... la primavera, el aire, las flores ... es magnífico!", Y siguió observando, recordando el buen día de que él " D una vez disfrutado.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

De repente, se quedó sin aliento y dijo: -¡Mais ... Sacre bleu! ¡Zé está muerto !, antes de ir tan rápido como pudiera a la ciudad para decirle a Jean, el jefe de policía.

Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

The Response

John,  feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead.  He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air.  He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.

The Second Text Message

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. 

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. 

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." 

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Images (including cover) by Deposit Photos.

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?"
 

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied.
 

"Medicine for rheumatism?"
 

"Definitely," he said.
 

"How about Viagra?"
 

"Of course."
 

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
 

"Yes, the works."
 

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
 

 "Absolutely."
 

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
 

"All speeds and sizes."
 

"Good," Bob said to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters.

Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.

They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant.

Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.

Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could. 

To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.

“How can I possibly be the father of that ugly baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”

Linda blushed, which made him suspicious. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.

“Not this time, honey.”

- My God! Where did you hear that word?

- At kindergarten. Vadka said I pr @ stitutka. Because I do not give him more. And I give Valerik.

- What?!

"What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.

A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.

A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"

"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"

He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."

He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.

"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him."

"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"

"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"

Images (including cover) by Deposit Photos

 True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

"Benny...Benny..."
"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens). 

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Wow, Dan!  Heaven sounds amazing!"

"What heaven?  I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

The logic on top!

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school. 

There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally". 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet. 

She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!

The husband said: "We've got to give it back". She said, "Finders keepers" and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic. 

The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.[ more]

One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She said: "No."

The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"

Images (including cover) by Deposit Photos

Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it.

Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.

When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said: 

"Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."

Images (including cover) by Deposit Photos