A giant crocodile attacked a man walking his dog along a river in Australia. Fortunately, the man beats the beast back with a rock as the man's dog bites the reptileon the face. Both man and dog suffered minor injuries but are expected to recover.

Next, a huge tornado catches a woman trapped in her vehicle and carries her a quarter of a mile from town. The woman suffered a broken leg and minor neck injuries, but she was more worried about her cat swept away by the storm. She's offering a $1,000 reward for her feline friend.

In another part of the world, a man gets his hand stuck in a kitchen garbage disposal and is trapped for three days. His cries went unanswered until breaking the kitchen window and signaling for help with a fire extinguisher. The man said that his wedding ring disappeared down the disposal, and he was trying to fish it out.

And finally, a Canadian family of four gets lost trying to drive across a mountain pass in a blizzard and is stranded for a week, surviving on a banana, 10 cheese crackers, and a cooked ham. Temperatures dipped to fifteen below as the family stays warm by singing Christmas carols. The family is finally rescued after the father hikes fifteen miles to get help.

And that's the news today.

Caller: Yes. I'm calling to find out more information about your program. For example, what kind of courses do you offer?

Receptionist: Well, first of all, the purpose of our program is to provide language learning opportunities to this area's community [Uh-hum], whether a student's goal is to master basic functional language skills, let's say, for his or her job, or to study intensively to enter a US college or university.

Caller: Okay. I'm calling for a friend who is interested in attending a US university.

Receptionist: And that's the kind of, uh, instruction that we provide, from basic communication courses to content-based classes such as computer literacy, intercultural communication, and business English.

Caller: Great. What are your application deadlines for the next semester?

Receptionist: Well, we ask applicants to apply no later than two months before the semester begins. [Uh-hum] This gives us time to process the application and issue the student's I-20.

Caller: An I-20?

Receptionist: Oh, an I-20 is a form that indicates that we are giving permission for the student to study in our program, and then the student takes this form to the US embassy in his or her country to apply for the F-1 student visa.

Caller: Alright. What is the tuition for a full-time student?

Receptionist: It's two thousand thirty dollars.

Caller: And how does one apply?

Receptionist: Well, we can send you an application and you can mail it back to us, or you can fill out our application that's online at our Web site.

Caller: And are there other materials I would need to send in addition to the application form?

Receptionist: Uh, yes. You would need to send in a $35 non-refundable application fee [Uh-huh], a sponsorship form indicating who will be responsible financially for the student while studying in our program, and a bank statement showing that you or your sponsor has sufficient funds to cover tuition expenses and living costs for the entire year of study.

Caller: And how can I send these materials to you?

Receptionist: You can either send the application packet by regular mail or you can fax it.

Caller: And the application fee?

Receptionist: We accept money orders, travelers checks, or credit cards.

Caller: Alright. I think that's about it.

Receptionist: Okay great.

Caller: Oh and what is your name?

Receptionist: Ok. My name is Tony Nelson. You can just call and ask for me.

Caller: Great. Thank you for help.

Receptionist: No problem and please don't hesitate to call again if you have any other questions.

Caller: Okay. Goodbye.

Uh, let's see. Okay, everyone should meet at the airport at 6:00 a.m. This will give you time to check in and get through security. Our plane departs at 9:00.

Uh, our plane arrives in New York at 3:00 p.m, and we will take a bus from the airport to the hotel. We've been able to get great rates on this hotel because we're staying on a weekday instead of the weekend.

In the morning, for any of you who like to get exercise, we will be meeting in the lobby around 6:00 a.m. to go jogging around Central Park for about 45 minutes, and we'll get back to the hotel about the time when the restaurant opens, so you'll enough time to grab a quick breakfast before we leave the hotel at 8:00. We'll be taking a ferry ride to Ellis Island and then to Liberty Island to visit the Statue of Liberty. I mean, this is something that you really can't miss, and later, we will go to Times Square where you can have lunch on your own for about an hour from about 1 to 2.

Later in the afternoon, you have the choice of visiting the Empire State Building or the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Either one of these is . . . are great*, and we have some great, uh, group discounts. Uh, we will meet back at the hotel at 6:00 p.m., and we'll have dinner at a very nice Italian restaurant downtown, and then we'll catch an exciting broadway musical around 8:30 p.m.

Uh, any questions?

*"Either" generally takes a singular verb as in "Either of the students is available to help the teacher after school."

Ashley: Well, what do you have?

Carl: Well, let's see. I have a science book called, Today's World, and I'm selling it for thirty dollars.

Ashley: Thirty? That's a little expensive for a beat-up book like that.

Carl: Maybe so, but I bought it for sixty. Plus, I wrote a lot of notes in the book that should help you with the class . . . if you could read my writing.

Ashley: What else are you selling?

Mrs. Smith: Excuse me? What do you mean? The test ended 10 minutes ago, and you weren't there to take it. Sorry.

Student: Oh, Mrs. Smith. Come on. Come on. That's not fair.

Mrs. Smith: What do you mean it's not fair. Everyone else was there. So, why weren't you in class?

Student: Uh, my bus didn't come this morning on time. That's why.

Mrs. Smith: Um. Are you sure? Your friend, Tony, made it to class, and he said you were still in bed an hour ago.

Student: Uhh, yeah, well, that might be true, but I really need to take the test.

Mrs. Smith: Wait. Don't you realize that you just lied to me?

Caller: Uh, yes, I have a problem . . .

Phone Recording: Your call is important to us, and we will answer your call in the order that it was received. You are number 47 in the queue. Your approximate waiting time is 47 minutes.

Technical support: Jason, speaking. How can I help you?

Caller: Oh, I'm saved. I thought I was going to have to wait all day.

Technical support: Okay, what's the problem?

Caller: Yeah, well, I bought one of your laptop computers about three weeks ago, but it just isn't running right.

Technical support: Okay, well, sorry to say, but your computer is no longerunder warranty. [What?!] It ran out yesterday.

Caller: What? A three-week warranty? [Yeah, great isn't it.]. Ah!!!

Technical support: Okay, okay, what seems to be the problem?

Caller: Well, first of all, the thing always freezes [Yeah.] and has crashed azillion times . . . [Always.]

Technical support: Uh, sir . . .

Daughter: Coming. Oh, I'mstarving. [Good, good.] Oh yuck! What's that?

Father: Ah, now don't complain!

Daughter: But what is it, and where is mom?

Father: Now, mom put me in charge of dinner because she's not feeling well tonight.

Daughter: But what is it . . . and that smell!

Father: It's pizza. I just followed an old family recipe here, and . . .

Daughter: Let me see that . . . Oh, Dad. [What?] You're missing a page!

Father: Oh, uh, well, uh . . . well I couldn't find the second page of the recipe, but don't worry. I have plenty of experience around the house. Plenty of experience cooking.

Daughter: That's not what mom says.

Mother: Great. That's super.

Father: What's going on? So, what did you get me?

Daughter: Nothing. I got my driver's license. Okay. Bye.

Father: Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

Daughter: Mom said I could take the car to school this morning, and . . .

Father: Hold on here. I've prepared a few rules regarding the use of the motor vehicles in this house.

Daughter: Like what?

Father: Let me get my notes here.

Daughter: Dad! That looks like a book? Mom, Dad's being mean to me.

Taxi Driver: Help. Help. Please help me!

Operator: Yes sir. Please calm down and explain exactly what is happening.

Taxi Driver: Calm down! My car is stalled on the freeway, I have a lady passenger, and she's going into labor.

Operator: Now relax sir. Explain exactly where you are.

Taxi Driver: I'm . . . I'm in the southbound lane of the Lincoln Expressway, about 15 miles from the Washington Tunnel, and this lady isn't going to wait.

Michael: Yeah, I think she'll be impressed with my new exercise program.

Josh: What? What are you talking about? What exercise program? What did you tell her?

Michael: Well, you know, I enjoy staying in shape. [Right] First, I generally get up every morning at 5:30 a.m.

Josh: Oh, yeah. Since when? You don't roll out of bed until at least 7:30 p.m.

Michael: No, no, and on Mondays and Wednesdays, . . .

Josh: Ah, not another tall tale . . .

Caller: Hi. I'm calling about the ad for the apartment found in today's newspaper.

Apartment Owner: Okay.

Caller: I'm kind of desperate, and I need something right away.

Apartment Owner: Okay. What would you like to know?

Caller: First of all, how big is it?

Apartment Owner: It's a two-bedroom apartment with a living room, dining room and kitchen, and one bathroom. There's also a place for a washer and dryer.

Caller: Okay, and how old is the apartment complex?

Woman: Wow! Do we really need all this stuff? Let me see that receipt.

Man: Hey, I only bought the essentials.

Woman: Okay. Let's see. Dog food. Twenty-four dollars and seventy cents ($24.70)? We don't even have a dog!

Man: Well, it WAS going to be a surprise, but look in the back of the truck.

Woman: What?

Man: Ah, ha, hah. Speechless. I knew you'd love him.

Man: Hi. Uh, haven't we met before? You look so familiar.

Woman: Yeah. We met on campus last week, [Yeah!] and you asked me the same question.

Man: Oh, oh really? I'm really sorry, but I'm terrible with names. But, but, but . . . Let me guess. It's Sherry, right?

Woman: No, but you got the first letter right.

Man: I know, I know. It's on the tip of my tongue. Wait. Uh, Sandy, Susan. [Nope. So, was I that memorable?] Wait, wait. It's Sharon.

Customer: Yeah. I'd like to get my hair trimmed a little. Nothingfancy. Just a basic trim.

Beautician: Well, can we interest you in today's special?

Customer: Um . . . Nah, nah . . .

Beautician: We'll shampoo, cut, (and) style your hair for one unbelievable low price of $9.99 (nine ninety-nine). Plus, we'll give you a clean shave and a back massage to help you relax.

Customer: Well, I don't know. I don't have much time, and . . .

Beautician: Best service in town!

Customer: Well, okay, I'll have the complete service today, but as I said before, I just want to get my hair trimmed. A little off the top and sides. That's all. I mean, that's all.

Beautician: No problem. Relax. You're in good hands. Okay, here we go. Now, how does this thing work?

Customer: Huh? Wait. You know what you're doing, right?

Beautician: Relax, sir, relax. I've been doing this for ten [cough] [Ten what?] Sit back and relax. So, what do you do for a living?

Customer: I'm a lawyer, specializing in workplace accidents, and I'm in town for a very important job interview, and . . .

Beautician: Oops.

Customer: What do you mean oops. Hey, can I see a mirror?

Beautician: Nothing to worry about, sir. Relax. I'm just making someadjustments to the hair trimmer. There we are. Okay . . .

Customer: Ouch. That hurt. That really hurt! What are you doing anyway?

Beautician: Nothing to worry about, sir. Relax.

Customer: That's what you just said a minute ago, and look at all of my hair on the floor. And how much are you really cutting off? And where's a mirror?

Stuart: Amy. So, how are you doing?

Amy: Oh, hi Stuart. School is so crazy these days, and when I'm not at school, I'm at work.

Stuart: Hey, listen. I'm getting together with Sara and Paul tonight, and a few of our other friends are going to join us. [Oh.] And, we're . . . well, we're going out to eat and then catch a movie. Why don't you come with us?

Amy: Hey, I'd love to, but I have to cram for a test tomorrow.

Her father, Jesus Cavazos, was originally from Victoria, Texas, but his family moved to Mexico around 1855.

Ana's mother, Juana Castro, was the oldest of six brothers and sisters. Juana and Jesus were married in 1880. Ana's family came to the United States during the Mexican Revolution in 1913. Their family experienced much hardship. Ana grew up in Texas and met her future husband in 1929. Ana and Abel Contreras were married in 1931 and were the parents of eleven children.

Thank you for joining this short presentation.

Daughter: Hi Dad. I love you.

Dad: Ah, the three magic words: I NEED HELP! I've heard those before.

Daughter: Uh, Well, we'd better sit down.

Dad: Uh, this doesn't sound good.

Daughter: Well, first of all . . . hey, is that painting on the wall new?

Dad: No, no, no, no, no. Let's get back to the conversation now.

Police Officer: Okay. Can you tell me exactly what happened.

Man: Well, I was walking home from work two days ago, enjoying the nature all around me . . . the birds, the frogs, the flowing stream . . . [Okay, Okay] when this woman knocked me right off my feet, grabbed my stuff, and ran off through the trees. [Hmm]. I was so surprised by the ordeal that I didn't go after her.

Police Officer: Yeah. Can you describe the woman for me?

Man: Yeah. He was about a hundred and ninety centimeters tall . . .

Customer: Yes. I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with mushrooms and green peppers.

Employee: Would you like anything else?

Customer: Well, wait. Uh, can I make that a half-and-half pizza?

Employee: Sure. What would you like on each half?

Customer: Uh, what toppings do you have?

Employee: Well, we have Italian sausage, ham, mushrooms, onions, pineapple, black olives, green peppers, bacon, tomatoes, shrimp, clams, and squid.

Hey you! This is your carpet speaking. Helllooo! Hey, I take a real beating from you and your family everyday. The kids track mud all over me, the dog leaves a bunch of fur balls everywhere. You spilt coffee the other day while entertaining guests, and your husband left a trail of potato chip crumbs from the sofa to the kitchen last night while watching the football game. Don't you think it's about time to give me a good cleaning?

Now pick up that phone and call Master Cleaners now. I see them on the TV all the time. They'll clean any three rooms for $29.95, and any connecting hall is free. Plus, they'll throw in a free bottle of their amazing stain remover. And if you call now, you'll receive a 15% discount off their already low prices. So come on! Give them a call at 637-5001, and make life for me a little easier. Uh, nice doggie, nice doggie . . .