Ryan: Uh what? Does Dad know about this?

Ashley: Who cares? It's my life. I really enjoy working on cars.

Ryan: Oh, I get it. You want to study auto mechanics because of your new boyfriend. What's his name? Jimmy or something? Listen, auto mechanics is a man's job.

Ashley: No, you got it all wrong. [What?] First of all, his name is James, and second, he doesn't work at an auto shop anymore. He had a job there for five years, and he really liked his job because he learned how to identify problems and fix things. You, on the other hand, can't even change the toilet paper roll in the bathroom.

Ryan: Hey, that's not fair.

Phil: Ah, Sharon and I are calling it quits. We're breaking up. Divorce time. [What?] I need to find a good divorce lawyer.

Tonya: What? Phil You've only been married two months. What's going on?

Phil: You just don't understand. There are just some difference we haven't been able to work out.

Tonya: Well, you've only been married two months. Like what? Things can't be THAT bad.

Phil: Oh, yeah. Yeah, they are, sis. I thought married life was going to be filled with bliss, but things are really terrible right now.

Tonya: Like what? You haven't give me a reason yet for breaking up.

Mr. Smith: Oh. I know I'm ready. I've been practicing in my driveway all week.

Driving Officer: Okay. Mr. Smith. As I'm sure you are aware, you will not only be tested on your knowledge of the rules of the road, but on your behavior toward other motorists.

Mr. Smith: Okey-dokey.

Driving Officer: Okay. Now you can start your car.

Mr. Smith: Yeah, right. Here we go!

Driving Officer: Whoa! Take it easy. The speed limit in this business district is only 25 miles an hour. [Oh]. All right. Now, turn right at the next corner . . . [This corner?] Na, not here! Wow! You forgot to signal too!

Mr. Smith: Gosh. I didn't see that one, and . . . Ah, Could you grab my cell phone under my seat. [Huh?] Nah, I'll get it.

Driving Officer: Oh, Mr. Smith. Keep your eyes on the road!

Mr. Smith: Oh yeah.

Driving Officer: Okay. Now, pull over here and show me that you can parallel park.

Mr. Smith: Sure. Wait. Hey bud. Move your car. I was here first!

Driving Officer: Ah. Forget it. Just keep driving.

Mr. Smith: So, how am I doing? Can I just take a peek at your notes?

Woman: Yeah. Me too. So, what's your major?

Man: Well, I've been batting around the idea of going into business, but I haven't decided yet. And my dad keeps telling me I have to choose a major, but I'm undeclared at the moment.

Woman: Ah, that's what happened to me my freshman year.

Man: Oh, so what year are you in school?

Woman: I'm a senior, and I only have to take 10 more credits to graduate. Yeah!

Man: Well. That must feel great to be almost finished with school.

Dad: A movie today? Well, I don't know. Here. Let me look at the newspaper. Okay. Ah, here's a movie that starts in the afternoon at 2:45. Well, should we take mommy with us?

Girl: Yeah.

Dad: Okay, we have to wait for mommy because she's at a meeting right now.

Girl: Okay.

Dad: Alright. And what should we do after we see the movie?

Girl: Go on a walk.

Boy: Um, the zoo.

Father: The zoo? Oh, that was so fun when we went to the zoo. What did you like best about the zoo?

Boy: Um, the porcupines.

Father: They were big, weren't they. And what else . . . yeah. What else do you remember?

Boy: Um, the two giraffes.

Father: The two giraffes? And were they taller than me or shorter than me?

Boy: Over your head.

Father: They were over my head. They were pretty tall. And what else do you remember? I remember . . . didn't you see an elephant? [Yeah] What about the elephant do you remember? [Um] What was he . . . was he eating? [Yeah] He was eating. And then, mommy said something happened with the elephant. That he did something.

Boy: He throwed dirt on us.

Father: He did? Oh, how did he do that? With his foot?

Boy: No, with his trunk.

Father: And then you fed some ducks. What color were the ducks?

Boy: White.

Father: And what other animals do you remember?[Um] Wasn't there some type of show.

Boy: Yeah. A bird show.

Father: A bird show? What did the birds do?

Boy: Um, flied.

Shawn: Fine. How about you?

Norman: Okay. Huh, by the way, my wife and I are going out of town this weekend, and I was wondering if you could take care of some of our animals while we're gone. You know our dog, Jaws, don't you?

Shawn: Yeah. My leg still hurts from the last incident.

Norman: Hey, he's just a playful little beast.

Shawn: Right.

Norman: Hey, he likes to bark a little, and his bark is worse than his bite.

Shawn: Oh yeah.

Henry: They're for my wife.

Sam: Oh, a wedding anniversary or something?

Henry: To tell the truth, it couldn't be worse. [Oh]. You see, I have to pick my wife up from the airport this evening, but while she was gone, there were a few minor mishaps.

Sam: Oh really? What happened?

Tim: Thanks. As you know, he had been sick for some time before he passed away, so we were somewhat prepared.

Heather: So, how's your mom taking it?

Tim: Oh, it's been really hard on her. I don't think you get over something like that.

Heather: Yeah, I'm sure. My heart really goes out to her. [Thanks.] Uh, so how's your mom going to be able to manage things alone?

Tim: Well, financially, mom will be able to live a secure life from now on. I mean, Dad had life insurance and substantial investments in property and stocks, so returns on those should take care of her. [That's good to hear.] But our main concern at this moment is her emotional state. [Yeah.] She's really down, so a call now and again should brighten her day.

Stereos, video machines, refrigerators, light fixtures, dining room tables, washers and dryers. You name it; we have it! Low on cash? We have an easy rent-to-own plan that will put you in your favorite sofa tonight. Big color TVs as low as two hundred and twenty-five dollars; digital pianos starting at three ninety-nine ($399); king size beds from two hundred and fifty dollars. Free delivery on all major appliances.

So come on down to Frontier Furniture. Located downtown two blocks east of city hall, across from Union Square. We're open daily from 10:00 AM to 9:30 PM. So, come on in, and let us make your dream home a reality.

Mark: Uh. Yeah, but maybe not for long.

Susan: So, how can we help you today?

Mark: Okay. Uh, my wife is really into gardening, and about five years ago, she received a beautiful climbing rose bush . . . I think an Agatha Christie [That's a nice one.] from her mother who has passed away. Anyway, the rose plant seems to be on its last leg.

Susan: Really? Nomally, that rose is really quite hardy [I know.], and it's very disease-resistant, too. [I know.]

Mark: Yeah. Well, this situation ISN'T normal. You see about a week ago, I was doing some yard work, and I was using some weed killer [UH-oh.], yeah, to try to get rid of some terrible weeds and . . .

Susan: Did you spray the roses?

Mark: Uh, well, not exactly. I set the spray container down near the roses while I was trimming a bush, and the container must have gotten knocked over, and the weed killer soaked into the ground near the roses.

Susan: How much weed killer are you talking about?

Randall: Uh, yeah, I stopped by to see if you were still looking for a roommate to share your house.

Dave: Yeap. I sure am. Ever since I cut back on my working hours to go to school, I've been really strapped for cash.

Randall: Oh.

Dave: Hey, let me show you the place. Uh, here's the living room.

Randall: Oh. It looks like you could use a new carpet . . . and those stains?

Dave: Well. I've had a few problems with some former roommates. I know it needs to be cleaned, but I just don't have the money to do it right now.

Imagine that it's Monday afternoon, and you decide to step out and buy a few things for dinner before the kids get home from school. You look at your watch. It's 1:30 PM, and you need to be back in 20 minutes. When you get back, you notice nothing out of the ordinary, and everything is just as you left it. Then, as you are looking through your dresser drawer, you notice that the contents are in disarray. You realize money you had hidden carefully at the bottom is gone. Nothing else in the house has been taken. And the only evidence of entry is a dirty footprint through an unlocked window .

Sound untrue? Not to our family because it happened to us.

Hotel Clerk: And your name?

Guest: It's Nelson. Charles Nelson. Hotel Clerk: Okay. Mr. Nelson. That's a room for five, and . . .

Guest: Excuse me? You mean a room for five dollars? I didn't know the special was so good.

Hotel Clerk: No, no, no. According to our records, a room for five guests was booked under your name.

Guest: No. No. Hold on. There must be some mistake.

Hotel Clerk: Okay. Let's check this again. Okay, Mr. Charles C. Nelson for tonight . . .

Tenant: Well Mr. Nelson. That's what I would like to talk to you about. (What?) Well, I want to talk to you about that noise! (Oh) You see. Would you mind talking to the tenant in 4B and ask him to keep his music down, especially after 10:00 o'clock at night?

Apartment Manager: Ohhh. Who me?

Tenant: Why yes. The music is blaring almost every night, and it should be your job as manager to take care of these things.

Apartment Manager: Hey, I just collect the rent. Besides, the man living there is the owner's son, and he's a walking refrigerator. (Well . . .) Hey, I'll see what I can do. Anything else?

Paul: Yeah, well, as you know, I really don't like to hunt. [That's okay!] But I only came because my sister twisted my arm.[Ah, that's okay!] I didn't realize I was marrying into a family of hunters.

Dan: Shh. Quiet. I can see some deer down there, I think. You'll scare the deer away. They have a great sense of hearing and smell, so we have to remain out of sight.

Paul: Well, as you know, I really don't eat much meat . . .

Dan: You don't have to eat it. I'll take care of that. Just get ready. As soon as the sun comes up in a few minutes, you can often see the deer down in that meadow. You see that stream down there. [Yeah. ]We just need to quietly get a little closer.

Well, folks. The Cardinals are now down by 3 runs entering the bottom of the ninth inning with Mark Sosa up to the plate. The bases are loaded. Sosa has gone 0-for-3 this game with two strike outs and a walk. Expectations have been high, and I'm sure Mark has felt the pressure trying to rebound from his five-game-home-run drought.

Mark is up to the plate. Here's the pitch. Oh, an inside fastball. Strike one. Mark has been batting 279 this month, and he needs one more home run to pass the all-time home run record set back in 1961. And here we go. Here's the wind-up and the pitch. Oh, a monstrous belt to left field . . . it's . . . it's . . . gone. And Mark has just earned himself the title of Home Run King, plus the Cardinals have picked up their 70th win of the season.

Josh: No, but, I have a few leads, so things are looking up.

Kelly: But isn't that what you always say?

Josh: Well . . . uh . . . this time is different.

Kelly: What are you looking for this time, then?

Josh: Actually, I want to work for a Web hosting company.

Kelly: What would you do there?

Josh: Well, in a nut shell, Web hosting companies provide space for people to store and run their Websites. Does it sound like I know what I'm talking about?

Kelly: Oh, yeah, sort of.

Neighbor: Listen. Even though the trees are in your yard, some of the branches hang over into mine, and I am getting sick and tired of raking up your leaves and picking up all the branches that fall off during storms throughout the year. And the walnuts off this tree . . . they litter my yard and damage my lawnmower when I cut the grass. And my dog eats them, and he ends up with terrible diarrhea.

Man: Still. You can't cut off those branches.

Neighbor: Watch me. It's completely legal. I check the city code and law regarding this issue, and I am well within my rights.

Man: I'm not sure about that. Anyway, It's just not right. You didn't say anything to us about it . . .

Father: Uh, what, what, uh, uh!?!?

Daughter: The movie is over. You slept through the best part.

Father: Ah, ah, I must have dozed off during the last few minutes.

Daughter: Right. You were gone for so long you should have brought your pillow and blanket. So, what did you think about it?

Father: Well, overall, I'm a little disappointed with the movie. I mean, the story was a little bizarre, you have to admit. I mean, really. How believable is a plot about a captain who navigates his spaceship to the far reaches of the galaxy and encounters a race of frog people. I mean, come on.

Daughter: Ah, I thought it was fantastic [Uhhh]. I mean, you have to admit that the special effects were awesome, and the acting wasn't bad either.

Ron: Ah, nothing. I'm just looking up some information on the Internet.

Heather: Like what? Let me see.

Ron: No, no, it's okay. I mean, you know . . .

Heather: Baldness? What are you looking that up for? [Well, you know . . . ] I . . . I mean, you're not that bad off.

Ron: Ah, there you go. Bringing it up again!

Heather: No. I mean it. You look great! Honestly, it's not that bad.

Ron: Hey, I get enough of it from friends, and the people at work, and now from you!

Heather: Well, maybe you could wear a toupee? I think you'd look great.

Mr. Adams: Ah, Yes. You must be Kelly. Thanks for coming.

Kelly: Here's my card.

Mr. Adams: Oh, the entrepreneurial spirit. It hard to find a good babysitter on a Friday night.

Kelly: Well, I like watching kids, and I need the extra money.

Mr. Adams: Well, I heard you were one of the best and most affordable babysitters in the area, and . . .

Kelly: Uh, well, I'd like to talk to you about my new rate increases.

Mr. Adams: Rate increases?

For one, you can lower your monthly mortgage payments by taking advantage of lower interest rates. This amount can be significant depending on the market rates.

Second, refinancing your mortgage can provide you with additional funds to finance other home improvements, like repairing that leaky roof, adding a garage, or building an addition on to your home.

Furthermore, by refinancing, you can greatly reduce the length of your loan. After several years into your mortgage, people often earn more money than when they first purchased their home, and thus, have a surplus to pay their off loans quicker.

Customer: Yeah. I'd like to rent these movies.

Store Employee: Okay. Do you have your membership card?

Customer: No I don't. Do I need one to rent movies here?

Store Employee: Yes, but it's free. It's just a card we issue to help us keep track of rentals and customer billing.

Customer: Okay, and how much are movie rentals anyway?

Store Employee: Well, new releases are $3.50 (Okay), and all other movies are two dollars (Alright), and you can rent up to six movies at a time. (Hum) We also have a five buck deal where you can rent any five movies for $5.00 (Hum), but this doesn't include new releases.

Customer: Oh, well, I'll just take these tonight.

Dad: Yeah, sure, but wait. Weren't you supposed to get a report card sometime this past week?

Girl: Well, oh yeah. Can I call Sharon now?

Dad: Uh-hum. You didn't answer my question. Did you receive it or not?

Girl: I love you Dad! You're the best!

Dad: Don't try to butter me up. I can guess that your answer means that you didn't do well in some of your classes?

Girl: Well, my English teacher is soooo boring, and he blows up every time someone talks.

Dad: In other words, you're not doing so well?

Robber: Uh, this is a stick-up . Put all the money in this bag . . . now.

Bank Teller: What? What are you talking about? I'm going to get the manager.

Robber: Wait! I have a gun.

Bank Teller: Where?

Robber: In . . . in my pocket . . . see?

Bank Teller: What? Ah, that's not a gun. That's your hand made to look like a gun.

Robber: That's what you think, so don't do anything funny . . . and don't press any alarms. Nothing. Just put the money in the bag.

Customer: Yes, I'd like to return this sweater for a refund. I bought a week ago.

Store Clerk: Well, first of all, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, isn't it obvious by just looking at it? The first time I washed and dried it, the thing shrank at least five sizes. It wouldn't even fit an emaciated snake.

Store Clerk: Uh, I see what you mean, but did you follow the washing instructions? I think it says here . . . yeah . . . right here on the label to hand wash it and then to dry it on low heat.

Customer: How was I supposed to know that? The label is written in Chinese! And something else: The stitching is coming undone and the color faded from a nice dark blue to a seaweed green. What kind of merchandise are you trying to sell here anyway?

This is my fifth day at summer camp. Life in the great outdoors isn't exactly what I expected, but I'm not starving . . . yet . . . so don't worry about me.

I guess I should tell you about what I do every day. First, everyone has to get up at 5:30 A.M. They have this silly old rooster named Harry who loves to wake us up. Next, we have to make our beds and tidy up the cabin before our camp counselor, Jeff, comes to inspect the place.

Then, we have breakfast around 6:30 A.M. After that, we have some free time, so I've been going down to the nearby stream to fish for a couple of hours. But yesterday, the only thing I caught was an old shoe and a tree branch. Great catch, Huh? Then when I was trying to swat a mosquito buzzing around my head, I slipped and fell in the stream and lost my fishing pole. That ended my fishing career.

Driver: Where to?

Passenger: Well, I'm going to the National Museum of Art, and . . . .

Driver: Sure. Hop in. No problem. Hang on!

Passenger: Uh. Excuse me. How long does it take to get there?

Driver: Well, that all depends on the traffic, but it shouldn't take more than twenty minutes for the average driver. [Oh]. And I'm not average. I have driving down to an art, so we should be able to cruise through traffic and get there in less than twelve minutes.

Passenger: Okay. Uh, sorry for asking [Yeah?], but do you have any idea how much the fare will be?

Telemarketer: Good evening, Sir. Is this Mr. Charles Philips?

Man: Yes, it is.

Telemarketer: Well, Mr. Phillips. This evening, I'm calling to offer you a special discount on . . .

Man: Ah, no, let me guess. You want to sell a subscription to the newspaper or a great deal on airfare to Hawaii, right? [Well, . . .]. Or, you want to offer me an unbelievable bargain on flamenco dance lessons.

Telemarketer: No, no, actually . . . Mr. Jones. [Huh?] Oh, sorry. That was the last guy. [Ah, great.] Uh, we want to offer you a free trial membership to our sports club downtown at the introductory price of $39.95 . . .

Ed: Hey Rocky! You've been sitting around all night. Get out and dance with someone like that woman over there.

Rocky: No way! She looks like the intellectual type.

Ed: Oh come on man! What kind of woman do you like?

Rocky: I want a woman who's affectionate and fulfills my every need, and that woman over there is just not the right type.

Ed: Hey. Where have you been? Times are changing, and you're never going to find a woman who will shine your shoes and pick up after you all the time. Wake up.

Rocky: Oh really? I meet a lot of women like that, but not at this party. [Oh.] I also prefer a woman who'll stay home, cook, clean, and watch the kids.

Police Officer: Uh, what does it look like I'm doing? I'm having your car towed away for parking illegally.

Man: Officer. You can't do that. That's not fair.

Police Officer: What do you mean it's not fair? You parked your car in a no-parking area.

Man: What? What do you mean?

Police Officer: Look, sir. There's a sign right there that says [Where? Where?] . . . right there! It says, "Tow away zone. No parking between the hours of 7 a.m. through 6 p.m."

Man: Oh, that one? Those tree branches are covering it.

Okay, Julie. In order to win the grand prize, you must answer all four of the bonus questions correctly. All of the questions are true or false. If false, you must make the statement true by giving the correct information. If not, you go home with our consolation prize: a fine set of encyclopedias on home repairs. [Oh]

Remember. When the buzzer goes off, you must give your answer. Are you ready?

On the first day of your tour, visit the capital of historic Salt Lake City, Temple Square, home to the world-famous Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and other local historical sites.

Then, your tour will take you on a four-day adventure of a lifetime to central and southern Utah where you will hike and backpack through Arches National Park, Goblin Valley, and Bryce National Park. You'll also explore the magical world of Little Wild Horse Canyon. This very narrow, winding chasm, with its steep walls on either side of you, will leave you in amazement knowing that it was formed from rushing water and erosion over millions of years.

Dad: A Game Boy? Those are too expensive.

Boy: No, they're not. There only twenty-five dollars. I've got forty-two dollars before, but Mom didn't let me buy one.

Dad: Well, let's look. Let's think of some ways so that . . . Hmm. Well, maybe we can come up with some ways that you can earn money.

Boy: Let's see . . . allowance.

Wife: Oh, thank you. They're beautiful. You shouldn't have . . . especially since our anniversary was last week.

Husband: What? Oh, I completely forgot . . .

Wife: Again?

Husband: No Way. I can't believe it.

Wife: Neither can I, but you did.

Husband: Ah, how can I make it up to you . . . again? Anything!

Wife: Okay, let's negotiate. [Negotiate?] First of all, I want to go on that dream vacation you've always promised me.

Husband: You mean, to Chicago?