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Dr. Beckett: How come I never make friends like that?
Dr. McKay: You really need to get out more.
Dr. Beckett: We're in another galaxy. How much more out can you get?
Dr. McKay: What are we going to tell them, Teyla? "Listen, kiddies, everything you believe is wrong, and trust us because we've been here for-" [checks watch] "-almost an hour!"
Dr. McKay: You know, if people could just learn to keep their secret underground hatches locked…
Lt. Ford: I've never seen so much nothing.
Maj. Sheppard: And I've never walked so far to see it.
Commander Kolya: You said this would work.
Dr. McKay: I don't know if you noticed or not but I'm an extremely arrogant man who tends to think all of his plans will work!
Maj. Sheppard: I can’t hear you threatening to suck the life out of me ‘til you hit the button on the radio.
Dr. Beckett: I can barely make it to the main land and back without crashing. For the last time, I'm a medical doctor, not a bloody fighter pilot!
Dr. Beckett: What shall I say?
Lt. Ford: "I miss you"? "I wish you were here"?
Dr. Beckett: I wish who was here?
Lt. Ford: I don't know. Who do you wish was here?
Dr. Beckett: Nobody! I wish I wasn't bloody here!
Dr. Weir: Are you sure you want to do this?
Dr. McKay: I'm sure I don't.
Dr. Weir: Ok, what are our options?
Dr. McKay: Let me see, we've got quick death, slow death, painful death, cold, lonely death...
Dr. Weir: Pack up what you need.
Dr. Beckett: I don't think an operating room and bloody army would fit through the gate.
Dr.Beckett: You have a date Rodney? With a woman?
Dr. McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly— Yes, with a woman!
Dr. Zelenka: Yes! I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want to try and fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?
Dr. McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the DHD?
Dr. McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Right now, uh, ten minutes, give or take.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: How's it coming, Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.
Dr. Weir: You destroyed three-quarters of a solar system!
Dr. McKay: Five-sixths, but it's not an exact science.
Dr. Weir: Rodney, can you give your ego a rest for one second?!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Any way to figure out what they're saying?
Dr. McKay: Yes, of course, it says right here, "Why is the smart one having to stop and answer so many questions?"
Dr. McKay: The communiqué's been erased.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Why would the Wraith do that?
Dr. McKay: Well, it says right here, "I, the Wraith, delete this important information to keep you from seeing it."
Lt. Lorne: Do you think this is it?
Dr. Beckett: It certainly smells like there’s something living in there.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, or dying.
Dr. Weir: You took some of the enzyme?!
Dr. McKay: Nonononono, I didn't took some of the enzyme, I took a lot of the enzyme…
Dr. McKay: Just, um, back out if you encounter anything problematic.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Problematic?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, like poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere….
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Operation 'This Will Most Likely End Badly' is a go.
Dr. Weir: I'm sorry to put you in this position, but you are the only person besides Col. Sheppard and Gen. O'Neill who's actually fired a drone from that Chair.
Dr. Beckett: Ironically, they're the two people I nearly killed when I did that.
Dr. McKay: Col. Sheppard would have already had hours to try to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena!
Dr. McKay: Well, you don’t exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think! So, really the idea was mine. [realizing] Oh, wow! I’m arguing with myself about who had an idea first—me or me. I really am petty, aren’t I?
[The lights are out and Beckett is about to operate on Ronon]
Dr Beckett: Bloody dark ages.
Dr. McKay: We don't need to go far. Any old orbit will do!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And then what?
Dr. McKay: [as sarcastically as humanly possible] Well, then, Norena and I were planning a small dinner for us all, nothing fancy ...
Norena: Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Well, what does he mean, "Then what"?! Then we won't die horribly!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What happened?
Dr. McKay: You mean what didn’t happen?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Are you tellin’ me the bomb didn’t go off?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Do we have weapons yet?
Dr. McKay: Sort of.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What does that mean?
Dr. McKay: Well we can fire, but not in any particular direction.
Dr. McKay: Excuse me, why am I lying here?
Dr. Beckett: You have an arrow, Rodney, in your gluteus maximus.
Dr. McKay: Well, that sounds painful. Gluteus maximus... glooo-tus maaa... ximus... [mildly surprised] oh my god, that's my ass, isn't it?!
Dr. Beckett: Aye.
Dr. Beckett: What are you doing?
Dr. McKay: I'm going.
Dr. Beckett: You can barely walk!
Dr. McKay: I can walk fine, I just can't sit!
Dr. McKay: [staring at Beckett] What?
Dr. Beckett: What?
Dr. McKay: Well, it's that look. That's the same look I get when I have a brilliant idea.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: How would you know how you looked?
Dr. McKay: 'Cause it's happened more than once in front of a mirror, okay?
Dr. Weir: We’ve said goodbye to a lot of friends today. Our mission is a dangerous one. We lose people – a fact we’re all painfully aware of. But Carson was ... I can’t remember anyone coming to me with a complaint against him – ever. He was a kind soul. He was ... he was a healer. And he will be very deeply missed. George Fabricius said, “Death comes to us all, but great achievements, they build a monument which shall endure until the sun grows cold.” Every single life Carson saved is a monument to him. And that gives me great comfort.
Dr. McKay: You know, the universe is a big place. Who knows, maybe we’ll bump into each other again.
Dr. Beckett: Aye, who knows?
Dr. McKay: You were the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I’m really, really sorry. I should have just...
Dr. Beckett: Hey. This isn’t your fault.
Dr. McKay: You’re just telling me what I want to hear.
Dr. Beckett: Well, that’s what best friends do sometimes. And in this case it also happens to be true. Take care of yourself, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Goodbye, Carson.
Dr. Zelenka: It's been down there for a very, very, very long time.
Dr. Mckay: Give or take a very.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Shouldn't you guys be bickering or something?
Dr. McKay: Ah, we've got nothing to bicker about. He's run out of bad ideas... finally.
Sheppard: Sure you wanna go through with this? If you don't make it, I'll feel responsible and, well I really don't need the guilt.
Larrin: I'll be fine as long as you don't shoot too early. I'm sure that's not the first time you've heard that from a woman.
Sheppard: On the other hand, I might be able to live with it!
Ronon: Don't worry. They're primitive. We can handle them.
McKay: Define 'primitive'.
Ronon: Clubs and arrows.
McKay: Hey, arrows can hurt!
Ronon: Only if you're stupid enough to get hit in the ass with one.
Dr. McKay: You can't kill an unarmed upside-down man!
Jeannie: So, are you gonna marry her?
McKay: I don't know.
Jeannie: You've been dating over a year now.
McKay: [irritated] I'm aware of that, thank you!
Jeannie: You think you're gonna find someone better?
McKay: No, it's not that.
Jeannie: [laughing] 'Cause you're not!
Col. Caldwell: Colonel.
Col. Ellis: Colonel.
[They turn to Carter]
Col. Caldwell: Colonel.
Col. Carter: Colonels.
[They turn to Sheppard]
Col. Ellis: Colonel.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Colonels.
Dr. McKay: Seriously?
[Talking over the radio]:
Genii: Theoron come in.
Dr. Mckay: If we don't respond, they're gonna investigate.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [disguising his voice badly] Theoron here.
Genii: What's your status?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Good.
Genii: Elaborate.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Real good.
Dr. Beckett: No wonder I've felt like a dog's breakfast ever since I got here.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Oh, yeah, did I tell you? The ocean’s gone
Dr. McKay: Sorry, what?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The big blue thing out the window! It’s gone, it’s a desert.
Wraith: Kneel.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You know, what'd be really creepy and unexpected is if you knelt instead.
Dr. McKay: Last supper huh?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, suits your messiah complex.
Dr. McKay: True.
Dr. McKay: Look, this isn’t one of these PBS brain surgeries when my scull is wide open and I’m having a conversation?
Dr. Keller: I have enough anesthetic to put you out. You're not going to feel a thing.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, it's probably a hammer.
Ronon: "Mission report: Michael invaded Atlantis, tried to blow it
up, we stopped him. End of report."
Dr. McKay: I'm Doctor Rodney McKay! Difficult takes seconds, impossible, a few minutes!
Dr. McKay: Yeah, FYI, this conversation ended six seconds ago.
Dr. Zelenka: Yeah, um, anyway, on the way back I had an idea.
Dr. McKay: Well, have a little lie down. It'll pass.
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