2.06.09 (Day of Anger)
A Skylit Drive is playing.
Today was a day of Great Anger! I was killed by progression of my hair and love depression at university. I come to pass the exam, but forgot something and became sad… Then I went away and meet NeeDLe. As I told to Sarah Brody – “I haven’t seen her, only silhouette. But that was fucking enough to blame me out”. Blame! Blame! BADABOOM!!!
I felt myself sucker again and ran away to Van, Shawn and Manson.
I was so drowned, so heartbreaking… I had angry speeches with my friends… I wanted to get my scissors from the bag and cut my arms… Then find her and hug her to make crimson embrace of my sweet grief, salt blood and broken dreams… And die. I don’t want to die, really. The main reason – I don’t want to be in a coffin with short haircut. Heh… And die at her arms, like fool crawling in the dark for black pregnant cat. Rah…
Senso wrote that maybe she will be in my town for a long time and even work here. Wow… I need to purchase glasses and Clearasil! Heh… Her short messages always make something with me… Don’t know what… It’s a pleasure with taste of chocolate donuts. Yeah…
Maple Brother has got a lot of strawberry! Heh! She invites me to eat some. Maple doesn’t know that I’m eating too much strawberry. Heh… I will eat every berry by myself! HoHoHo!
Worked in a garden with my mom today. Fried by the sun… We have grown a blue rose! It’s amazing! I want to present one for Chelsea. She will be shocked.
Some news about Scar… Chelsea said to him, that Evan needs him to come back and bla-bla-bla. I don’t admire his acting… Scar left me and my friends in a past year without any right motivations. And what did he answer yesterday? Read and say “fucking fuck up”… He answers:
- Chelsea, please say to the Evan that I’m not his friend anymore. Let him not to think about me.
I was in a top of my anger in the moment when this shit crawls before my eyes. And I scream into myself:
- WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENED WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!??????
My wife and my best friend from childhood at this year…THROWS ME AWAY LIKE DIRTY PIECE OF PAPER!
Ok… I love him… And I will not go against his will. I fought t for NeeDLe, I fought for Scar, but no one of them needs me.
The interesting thing is – I’m not fucking change to the worst side! Van said to me: “-You changed, yes. You became better and more adult”. That’s what said VAN!!! The main objectively critical person I ever met! Hell…
Today I played the sixth song of Leafs Will Fall Forever. It’s my band. Yeah! Van likes my drum notes and I tried to play it. It was successfully!!! It was awesome! I realize that everything will be alright at August, when we will rent a repetition place.
Wanna play in emo band right now! But there are no people around. I am drummer with ability to play fast songs with two legs and I have drums and I can’t find members… That’s the country curse… A provincial musician sucks. Pathos boy with looser hairs! Hah! Rah…
Taking Back Sunday is playing.
I’m going for a tea…
Hate Heavy Metal. This genre is funny like my granny’s photo in a passport.
I’m still here? Lazy freak… Went away for a tea… Really…
Shit… Yesterday died our cat. She was killed by a car at the street. She was a mother of newborn kittens. And now they are screaming at the night… Lonely… I don’t know what’s gonna be with them… Fuck! Everything is killing me…
Wanna die. I’m gonna sleep for it.
It’s a shame that I couldn’t play drums at night… It will be great if I could.
This summer is without any purpose...
This life is without any reason…
I will count the seasons, which are killing me…
One Winter + One Spring + One Summer = Three dead seasons already.
Probably nearby 90 days of blood loss static…
Improvident, careless looser…
WHERE IS MY NEW LIGHT STRIPE OF LIFE?
Robots aren’t funny, that’s very serious subject, okay?
- Farewell mister “I wanna happy end in the ass with beautiful emo girl”.
- Bullshit.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- HAHAHAH!!!
- Hah… Rah…
- Happy end…
- Yeah.
Interesting – Does you though about me at least one time ever when you feel “happy end” with this motherfucker, bitch? Oh, I guess yes… I guess – “Oh, Evan such looser as no one could be”.
Ya? I know… You have nothing good about me in your head, because I was nothing for ya. Nothing at all. Just number in the list… Just ugly sucker… Just silent time spending before you could find cool guy like this traitor with big dick to be happy with… I’m just another fucked up victim of this game…
You know what I will say? It will sound like kindergarten bullshit, but I still know, that everything is fucking lie… But… Shit! Wow… I’m really stupid… Nope… Yes… Nope… NOPE!!! FUCK!!!
It’s better to get in the bed before I made something with myself…
Hate! Because of undying love.
I will remember you
Into this Spring city
With forbidden streets
Of our March and April Glory…
And May will be wonderful
June and July filled of crystal tears
Because of happy sunny days…
And August full of shame
Will take virginity for ever…
September brings warm kisses
At windy streets of our Autumn city…
November and December
Will be as long as universe could be
Because it is the last of our
Beauty – our love…
Shit, my poetry isn’t poetry. Another curly heart tears.
Goodnight diary.
I pray my dreams come true.
I pray, I pray, I pray
Bluff prays…
But unstoppable prays.
