also i have broken the tooth and now have to go to dentist. and there is another tooth which i had broken a year ago. it will be interesting what he would say about all this mess. i have to assume that it could not turn up that easy. it could take much time to fix. and it is all just to say. what i really wanted to say is how i feel about the purpose of writing this. in general i want to be calm and to acquire the strength to stand up and go, what is the thing i have to do at the first place. now i am drinking and it is driving my fear off at least for now. i know men who take life easy or it seems that they take life easy and i always envied them at least if that is not contrived. but much more i think it connected to their obligations and nerve which drives them to keep obligations given to themselves and other people and to look good and happy at the same time. it is the thing they have i envy at the first place. the nerve which i never had