Season 6 - quotes

Пятница, 15 Августа 2008 г. 23:51 + в цитатник

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Season 6

She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]

Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.

Al: Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.

Marcy: That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?

Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Al: So, we're having a new baby. The gods are on a roll, aren't they? Must've been playing another round of 'Can you top this?' One started off, 'We'll make him a shoe salesman.' Then another said, 'We'll give him a red-head.' Then another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, 'But let's have him be a mighty athlete in high school first so his fall will be all the greater.'

Kelly: But the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.

Al: Yeah, give those gods a Miller. Will someone please tell me, how did this happen?

She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]

Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.

Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?

Kelly: Oh.

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?

Al: Oh, I don't know, some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.

Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy, there was a fixin' man.

Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?

Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!

Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Jefferson: Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you just wrecked.

Al: Well luckily Peg pulls into self service.

Bud: My story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York and I am hiding out in Chicago because I killed a man or spray painted a sign or something.

Peg: Isn't that the plot of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Bud: Yes, but that's an NBC show, so who would know.

(Al objects to the idea that the baby will sleep at the foot of their bed)

Al: I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.

Peg: You're not really thinking about moving out?

Al: Thinking about?! I've done it! Begone jackals!

Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]

Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Al: You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.

Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.

Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.

Peg: Our countries are very much alike.

If I Could See Me Now [6.7]

Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that tv

Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro...

God's Shoes [6.8]

Al: How long was I in there?

Bud: Forty-five minutes.

Al: Forty-five minutes! Why didn't you come and get me?

Bud: Dad, you're always in there forty-five minutes. You did forty-five minutes in the neighbor's bushes once.

Al: Their roses won prizes that year, you know.

Al Bundy, Shoe Dick [6.11]

Al: (narrating) So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al: Don't shoot me! I'm a shoe salesman.

Al: (To a beautiful woman) My name is Al Bundy. I'm Jack Dallas' new partner. Sit down show me your tail. I mean. Tell me your tale.

Al: I be a great private eye. Yep. Al Bundy. Trouble is my business. I carry a mop. I clean a detective's bathroom. Oh God! (Starts sobbing)

Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is you mother...

Bud: Repulsed by you?

Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?

Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?

Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Al: (narrating) As I watched her leave, I can see where they put the Bumpshebumpshabump.

So This Is How Sinatra Felt [6.12]

Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.

Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.

Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!

Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?

Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

The Mystery Of Skull Island [6.14]

Peg: (Reading "Sexual Intimacy" card) "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." (Al lowers head) "and was a shoe salesman, and named 'Al'..."

Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. Oh, my God, it does!

Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "would you have a sleazy affair with him?" (brief pause) Yeah.

Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.

Kelly: Yeah like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Al: "I Care", by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I swear!

Rites Of Passage [6.16]

Al: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks - the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants - the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut - the nudie bar.

Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.

The Egg And I [6.17]

Al: Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.

Steve: You couldn't tell me that she was married?

Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the kids

My Dinner With Anthrax [6.18]

Bud: Dad...

Al: Go away.

Bud: This isn't about money.

Al: Go away anyway.

Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.

Al: All right, what?

Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?

Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Charlie Benante: It came out of the fridge... why is it hot?

Psychic Avengers [6.19]

Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?

Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?

Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.

(Al enters)

Al: Why doesn't the world die?

The Goodbye Girl [6.22]

Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?

Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her mumu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could've left through either an itty bitty turnstyle or a huge gate. Guess which one she picks. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has ever gone before. She went flying like vegetable out of Dad's mouth and landed right in "The Facts of Life" fan pavilion. Thank God it's always empty.

Al: Bud, you know that I'm just sitting here on the couch and I know that I'm just sitting here on the couch, but you see, the rest of the days of the year, I'm selling shoes. Ladies' shoes. Fat ladies. Very, very, fat ladies. And what does fat do best? Fat sweats. So after selling fat sweat all year, one needs a little vacation. Besides if I didn't think that I was having a good time, I might just run amok and destroy everything and everyone I see.

Bud: We'll discuss it when you get back.

Al: Mais Qui

England Show: Part 1 [6.24]

Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I’m choking to death.

Peg: AL!

Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

Al: I’d like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask “Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?' then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I’m not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I’d just like to say “I don’t like ‘em.” Now could I get a 'Whoa, women. I DON’T LIKE ‘EM?'

Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON’T LIKE ‘EM

Al: Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.

Crowd: No!

Al: I though not.

Poxilda: Lower Uncton shall always be in darkness, though other towns nearby stand in sun.

Seamus McBundy: Will you be floating above us, blocking the sun?

Poxilda: Shamus McBundy, are ye done with me horse?

Shamus McBundy: Ah, no, ma'am. I had to send out for extra parts, to reinforce its feet. Yeah, that and a sign to go around his neck saying, "I'm with Fatso."

Poxilda: You save your tongue for picking the flies off the pools that dance beneath your arms! Go to, I'm in an 'urry.

Shamus McBundy: Oh? Is it the Festival of Pork Pies and Pigs' Waller you're late for? While you're waiting I got a plump pony out back you can snack on.

Poxilda: You be warned! I am a great and powerful witch!

Shamus McBundy: Ah, not as powerful as yon mighty seams in yon dress, to keep yon belly off yon floor!

England Show: Part 2 [6.25]

Villager: Bad news: we can't hang 'em until tomorrow.

Winston: Why not?

Villager: The scaffolding's not here. We had to sell some of the wood to buy nooses.

Winston: Oh, yes? And what do you plan to hang the nooses from?

Villager: Well, we've thought of that. We're gonna have two of our taller fellows hold them.

Winston: I don't want to hear any more. Right, we're just going to have to stab them!

Villager: But the village children were so looking forward to a hanging.

Winston: Oh, yes. Oh, the children.

Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!

Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?

Peg: You're the king, baby.

Al: Make me believe it.

Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?

Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.

Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!

Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!

Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!

5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?

England Show: Part 3 [6.26]

Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."

Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then un-hitched the horse!

Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.

Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.

Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?