Ksana_-San (Learning_English) все записи автора

If at first you don`t succeed,give up,no use looking like a fool.
You can only live once,but if you do it right,once is enough.
Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly,and for the same reason.
Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
A bit of hard work never killed anyone – but why risk it?
The journey of thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
How long the minute is depends on which side of the toilet door you are.

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

CupOfTea (Learning_English) все записи автора

TRY IT :" - шепнула DREAM.
"Что? AGAIN? ? ? ? ! " - возмутился EXPERIENCE.
"Хе, снова BECAUSE OF меня)))" - улыбнулась REASON.
"Нет! BECAUSE OF меня! ! ! ! "- поспорила PRIDE.
"А MAYBE : не надо? " - пролепетала CARE.
" CARE, иди в ASS! " - гаркнула COURAGE.
"Я закрыта на ADVENTURE! " - отмазалась ASS.
"HERE I AM! " - объявила DECISION.
"А MAYBE лучше завтра? " - поинтересовалось DOUBT.
"Сегодня или NEVER! " - отрезало STUBBORNESS.
"THE MAIN THING только не как вчера! " - предупредила COMMONNESS.
"Вчерашнее не REPEAT " - успокоила STUPIDITY.
"Всё будет ANOTHER WAY! " - соврало FEELING.
"На что-то это LIKE. . " - задумалась MEMORY.
"Суки вы ALL :" - вставая и SHAKING OFF процедила сквозь зубы DREAM

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

Love means never having to ask, "Does that fifty include a spanking?"
***
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
***
I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking
***
When I was young, I wrote a letter to Santa every year and he always brought me what I wanted.
Now that I'm an adult, I have my children write similar letters to Santa, but the lazy bastard never brings them anything.
***
If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your old, rotten liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will leave you a keg.
***
Q: What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
A: "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
***
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps growling when I come near him.
***
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
***
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."
But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.....

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five notifications in the mail, of traffic fines for driving without a seat belt.

There’s just no cure for stupidity.

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
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