stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A Southern editor wished to compliment Confederate General Pillow and wrote a notice in which the general was referred to as “battle-scarred hero.” Due to a typographical flub the phrase was printed as “battle-scared hero.” The irate soldier demanded a correction, to which the editor agreed. The next day’s paper spoke of the general as a “bottle-scarred hero.” It is not believed any further correction was requested.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора This is the Bank of America, can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.

Bank: Why?

Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number?

Customer: (gives account number)

Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?

Customer: No.

Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are.

Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?

Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. and...it's also very cute if you type in a command that's not recognized...!!

Make sure you type in "Kiss" too, but do it last.

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора This basic vocabulary guide to our language down here is offered as a gesture of our hospitality to visiting Northerners who truly want to be able to understand what it is that we're saying.

Ah - The pronoun "I." i.e., "Ah done did that."

Ah'd - Contraction of I would. i.e., "Ah'd ruther be out huntin'."

Ah'll - Contraction of I will. i.e., "Think Ah'll mosey on down to the lake fer sum fishin."

More Fun

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos from around the U.S.:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." More Fun

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" More Fun

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

stranger_forever (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора

Получила сегодня партийное задание составить брошюрку по Правильной Замене Колеса у а/м на двух языках. Чтобы не париться, стырила материал из инета.  И поняла, что так хорошо нам не жить никогда.

Русская версия: "на всякий случай.. перед тем, как начать замену колеса, закройте на замки все двери и багажник автомобиля"

Материал с буржуйского сайта: "You may want to open the hood to indicate to other drivers that you are stopped for repairs."

 а вот еще: "Make sure everyone is out of the car before jacking it up."

.. Мало ли что;)

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Can you name at least half of them?

sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Дело было в Анталии (Турция). Приятным летним вечером девушка, приехавшая отдыхать на берег теплого моря, решила ознакомиться с городом и вышла вечерком прогуляться одна. Надо при этом заметить, что девушка перед поездкой изучала английский. Не буду утверждать, что она вышла в город также с целью найти себе собеседника и потренировать свой иностранный, однако...

К девушке подошел молодой человек и завязалась беседа: привет-привет, какой приятный вечер... И вот, парень спрашивает девушку: "Что Вы делаете в этом районе города в такое время суток?". Девушка, не долго задумываясь над вопросом, отвечает, что... В общем, после ее ответа молодой человек меняется в лице и наспех попрощавшись, растворяется во мраке ночи.

Девушка, совершенно обескураженная, стоит и не может понять что произошло! Ведь она всего-навсего сказала, что прогуливается (walking) по улицам... Однако, мысли вскоре приходят в порядок и она с ужасом понимает, что слово walking произнесла... в общем, это прозвучало, как "I'm working..."

История умалчивает, что же было в полной фразе (я гуляю/работаю на этой улице или что-либо подобное еще), но этот пример ясно показывает, что нужно четко различать звучание и уметь правильно произносить все слова, чтобы не попадать в неприятные истории.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Dinner: Get reservations early, at least a month in advance or longer. If you cannot get reservations, start scrambling to find restaurants that do not have reservations and do offer call-ahead seating. Call ahead on 15 minute increments starting 2 hours before you want to go. If you are with your "Valentine", you may need to slip out of the room to do this to keep the destination secret.

Once you are there, take a restroom break, find the waiter, and hand him enough cash to cover whatever you might purchase, plus a great tip - this will cost you more, but when the waiter says "thank you for dining with us Mr. so-and-so" and doesnt give you the bill at the end of the evening, it will be very impressive.

Dancing: Not a Club. Dear God, don't go to a club. There is nothing less romantic. Rent a nicer car than yours with a decent sound system, get a CD of old Frank Sinatra romantic songs, and pull off somewhere scenic and just dance together.

Presents: Everyone gets chocolate and roses, except your Valentine! Get. Something. Else. Sure, a chocolate or two and a rose should accompany the evening, but the primary money should be spent on something else. And not just lingerie. That is for you. Not her. Get recommendations from the florist.

Cards: Do get her a card. I know guys don't exactly care about the card, but she does. Even if she says she doesn't, she does. And even if she really doesn't, she will wonder why you didn't if you don't. Confusing? Just get the card.

Poetry: Write your own, even if it sucks. She knows you can't write. She knows that you will probably use a crayon to scribble it out to the beat of some 80's hair band ballad, but hey, its you. Rhyming is not important, in fact it is kind of cheesy. When you don't rhyme, it sounds more sincere. Really.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Приветсвую всех новых гостей сообщесва! Пипл, не знаете, где скачать Хроники Амбера на инглише?

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Jesse Dorris, an inmate in the Lincoln County (Neb.) Jail, demanded to be removed from his cell because, he said, his cell mate, Brian Bruggeman, 38, had "bad gas." Jailers moved him to another cell but, at the next meal, Bruggeman cut in line to be by Dorris so he could fart on him. Dorris hit Bruggeman, who was serving 90 days for violating a protective order. County deputies were called in to investigate, and "smelled a liar but quickly sniffed out who was guilty," a spokesman said. "It was an air tight case." Bruggeman has been charged with assault on a confined person -- a felony punishable by up to 5 years in state prison. Dorris was not charged. (North Platte Bulletin) ...We all know guys like Bruggeman, and no one will be surprised if he ends up in the gas chamber.

Copyright http://www.thisistrue.com

paranoid (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора ICQ log with a brit (Real one :)
======================================

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:28:37
BTW do you know what a "chav" mean?

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:28:55
yup

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:06
not on wikipedia yet :) you should add it

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:32
yup - I know what a chav is

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:37
what's your guess?

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:42
I was watching the standup comedian the other day, who were performing
in UK. He used the word many times, and people did seem to understand it.
But it's not in the MW :)

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:51
well,my guess was pretty simple

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:57
Since he was referring to the 3 UK reporters as a 'chavs'
- and the next minute called them 'whores' and 'cunts' -
I believe it's kinda offensive, isn't it?

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:36:22
a chav is like an uneducated person who drinks a lot and
gets into trouble - usually teenagers or in 20's who
booze it, might have bikes, and are generally loud and
offensive and appear uneducated (but may not be uneducated,
in which case, read: 'city wankers')

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:37:38
Oh, I was wrong then. I thought it indeed is kind of a "whore"
- but it surely isn't. OK, thanks for the explanation.

Настроение сейчас - above normal
В колонках играет - Van Halen "Panama"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Uglier than homemade soup (alternate: uglier than homemade soap).

2. He's so ugly his mother had to borrow a baby to take to church.

3. Ugly as a mud fence in a rainstorm.

4. So ugly she'd run a dog off a meat wagon.

5. Give me a fly flapper, and I'll help you kill it.

6. Looks like she's been hit in the face with a bag full of nickels.

7. He's so ugly he has to slap himself to sleep.

8. She's so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

9. He's so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.

10. He looks like something the cat drug in and the dog wouldn't eat.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Dear contributors, if your posts contain any reference to sexual stuff or perversion, will you please put it under "RATED" cut. Otherwise you will be banned. Thanx.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Товарищи, признайтесь, кто последнюю симпу прислал? Дедуктивный метод пока не помог установить личность пославшего и бросить ему ответную ;)

paranoid (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjU22L6UX-0

RATED

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора По предложению paranoid создана рубрика Limerics, куда и трансформирую ваш первый взнос.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Добавлен новый раздел - Light Side of Dark - потому что, как оказалось, студенты умеют выдавать не только ляпы, а и вполне обдуманные приколы. Вот их сюда и скидываем. Кстати, товарищи, проявляем активность!