Carabinieri (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Рассказал один итальянский друг

paradiso: luogo in cui:

1. i meccanici sono tedeschi;
2. i vigili sono inglese;
3. i cuochi sono francesi;
4. gli amanti italiani;
5. е tutti sono organizatti dagli svizzeri.


Inferno: luogo in cui:

1. i meccanici francesi;
2. i vigili tedeschi;
3. i cuochi inglese;
4. gli amanti svizeri;
5. е tutti sono organizatti dagli italiani.

Перевод

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

More Fun

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
17) Give it to me baby..................... . . . Suk Mai Dong
18) Who's been eating all the pies?.............. . Yo Fat Wan Ka
19) England will win the World Cup........ . . . . No Fu Kin Wai

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.

carcinoma (n), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.

esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

(c) Max Brooks, from The Zombie Survival Guide

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and A-- holes". Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem!!!!

Espectro (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away...
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a deadline hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed
something wrong
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
Аnd I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay...

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. it's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. More Fun

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 10 young programmers began to work online, One didn't pay for Internet, and then there were 9.
9 young programmers used copies that they made, But one was caught by FBI, and then there were 8
8 young programmers discussed about heaven, One said "It's Windows 95!", and then there were 7.
7 young programmers found bugs they want to fix, But one was fixed by the bug, and then there were 6
6 young programmers were testing the hard drive, One got the string "Format complete", and then there were 5.
5 young programmers were running the FrontDoor, The BBS of one was hacked, and then there were 4.
4 young programmers worked using only C, One said some good about Pascal, and then there were 3.
3 young programmers didn't know what to do, One tried to call the on-line help, and then there were 2.
2 young programmers were testing what they done, One got a virus in his brain, and then there was 1.
1 young programmer was mighty as a hero, But tried to speak with user, and then there were 0.
Boss cried:"Oh, where is the program we must have?!" And fired one programmer, and then there were FF.

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора - Hello, are you there ?
- Yes, who are you, please?
- Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what is your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes.
- ?????? I'll call you again.
- All right. Are you Jones?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name's Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott!
- What.....

Белый_Лич (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора In the immigration office:
- Name ?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex ?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no... male or female ?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

пушистая_ведьмочка (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора the more we study, the more we know.
the more we know, the more we forget.
the more we forget, the less we know.
the less we know, the less we forget.
the less we forget, the more we know.
so why study?

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
Читать далее...

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes the cows and puts them in a barn with everyone one elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows but the government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as current regulations allow.
CONTINUED

paranoid (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора For those out here who dig "the big Lebowski"...

http://www.dudeism.com/

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:

"English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess
with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from
all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't “HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess"

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Keep on reading all y'all

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Steven Spielberg was holding a very special meeting where he discussed his
new project...an action biopic about famous composers starring top movie
stars. Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all
present.

Spielberg needed the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was
prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray.

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Stallone. "I'd
like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach." :-)

В колонках играет - Eddie Cochran - Skinny Jim

Flamewalker (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Stop on, hey you train,
Let your wheels don`t be knocking...
Conductor, press-down the stop-machine!
I`m hurrying to my mother
With last congratulations
And now by her eyes I should be seen.
Don`t wait for me mother,
Your son is not a good son,
Your sone will never be the same...
Today I`ve been sucked
By dirty bog of danger
And now all my life is like a game.
Stop on, hey you train,
Let your wheels don`t be knocking...
It`s now time to look eyes fortune`s in...
Until it is not late
For making stopping station,
Conductor, press-down the stop-machine!

Источник - www.pesni.ru

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are pigs, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 & I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north & south. Pick one. Читать далее...

Flamewalker (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Yesterday Good and Evil seems so far away
Now it looks although they're here to stay
And hobbit has to go away

Suddenly I'm not Frodo that I used to be
There's a shadow flying over me
Oh, war of rings comes suddenly

Why I have to go - I don't know,
But Gandalf said
It should be destroyed in the flame
Where it was made

Yesterday ring was just an elvish toy to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh Elberet Gilthoniel!

(с) не помню

modelenka (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора RATED

В колонках играет - Matia Bazar - Elettrochoc

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора This is a hilarious video of Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert arguing which religion is better Islam or Christianity.

opium_yves (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора