stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't “HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess"

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Keep on reading all y'all

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Welcome to Oban and АпельсиниЦа !

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Uglier than homemade soup (alternate: uglier than homemade soap).

2. He's so ugly his mother had to borrow a baby to take to church.

3. Ugly as a mud fence in a rainstorm.

4. So ugly she'd run a dog off a meat wagon.

5. Give me a fly flapper, and I'll help you kill it.

6. Looks like she's been hit in the face with a bag full of nickels.

7. He's so ugly he has to slap himself to sleep.

8. She's so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

9. He's so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.

10. He looks like something the cat drug in and the dog wouldn't eat.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Steven Spielberg was holding a very special meeting where he discussed his
new project...an action biopic about famous composers starring top movie
stars. Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all
present.

Spielberg needed the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was
prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray.

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Stallone. "I'd
like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach." :-)

В колонках играет - Eddie Cochran - Skinny Jim

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.

The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."

A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many
gorillas round these parts"

The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices...”

paranoid (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Rodney Dangerfield... The great comic (R.I.P.)
---
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
...
I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
of them had V.D.
...
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
...
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
...
Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
...
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
...
My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
She's up to three packs a day.
...
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
said, "So will you."

Настроение сейчас - Moody :)
В колонках играет - Sex Pistols "Who killed Bambi?"

Белая_Мышь (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. "What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period." – "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?" – "Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one... Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy nextdoor shot himself."

Flamewalker (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Stop on, hey you train,
Let your wheels don`t be knocking...
Conductor, press-down the stop-machine!
I`m hurrying to my mother
With last congratulations
And now by her eyes I should be seen.
Don`t wait for me mother,
Your son is not a good son,
Your sone will never be the same...
Today I`ve been sucked
By dirty bog of danger
And now all my life is like a game.
Stop on, hey you train,
Let your wheels don`t be knocking...
It`s now time to look eyes fortune`s in...
Until it is not late
For making stopping station,
Conductor, press-down the stop-machine!

Источник - www.pesni.ru

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора ...no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening... Читать далее...

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are pigs, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 & I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north & south. Pick one. Читать далее...

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Welcome to Die_Tigra ;)

Flamewalker (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Yesterday Good and Evil seems so far away
Now it looks although they're here to stay
And hobbit has to go away

Suddenly I'm not Frodo that I used to be
There's a shadow flying over me
Oh, war of rings comes suddenly

Why I have to go - I don't know,
But Gandalf said
It should be destroyed in the flame
Where it was made

Yesterday ring was just an elvish toy to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh Elberet Gilthoniel!

(с) не помню

aistoff (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Все правильно сделал! =))

modelenka (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Welcome to modelenka and Шатци :) :)

Шатци (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Northern Hemisphere = Северный Хэмпшир :)

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.


There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?


Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."


Roses are red,
Grass is green.
You have the shape
Of a washing machine.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Most poems rhyme,
But this one doesn't.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора RATED

В колонках играет - Matia Bazar - Elettrochoc

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Немножко запоздалый welcome to hopeless_goddess, Low-necked, Сэнди, aistoff, opium_eve and stuart1861. Располагайтесь.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора This is a hilarious video of Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert arguing which religion is better Islam or Christianity.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day -
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора :-)

opium_yves (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора

opium_yves (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора

 

opium_yves (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора

Why call a spade a spade if you can call it bloody shovel?

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot
car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4) Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isn't that handy?

6) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7) Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

A. Because no one wants to quit.

8) Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if
you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

A hitman was looking for me.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

My monkey died.